Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cloudbreaker, Sep 4, 2008.

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  1. Cloudbreaker

    Cloudbreaker Member

    I'm really starting to try to figure out my numeric worth.

    I figure it's really low. I'm 18 so I don't really know if being young is worth more or less. I'm a high school drop-out because I tried to kill myself, failed and just stopped showing up to school, I imagine that brings my worth down a lot. Also, the fact that I was a born from sexual assault and only kept due to religious reasons really makes me feel like crap. I recently found this out.

    I now think of how can anyone look at me and see something they want, wanted, need, or needed? Since my dad died I've lost hope of ever doing anything with my life because he was supposed to help me get back on my feet and now I have nobody to help me do that that I want to burden anymore. I feel like my brother isn't my brother anymore since I found out my father wasn't my real father.

    I live with my brother, his wife, and his children and I feel so unwanted here. I suppose the only reason he lets me stay is because of my mother. His wife doesn't like me, sees me as another bill they can't pay. I can't find a job and my 'brother's' friends continuously insult me for it and look down on me.

    My mother lives with her boyfriend now in Arizona, US while I'm here in Texas, US. Everyday since my father died I haven't felt the slightest shred of hope or desire for anything. Even since before I started living with my father, I've felt worthless, unneeded, and unwanted. Especially since I had no real friends or academic prowess. I can't remember a day I haven't wanted to and thought of killing myself just like my father did.

    No one wants me around. I can't pull myself up and I'm having serious doubts I can find help online. I don't know what to do anymore and I just feel like dying. I mean a person without friends, family, hopes, or desires... is that even a person anymore?

    I imagine my worth is at most 0. Could go into the negatives. Maybe a 1 since one time I did... nah, can't really think of one useful thing I've ever done.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Cloudbreaker. Finding out that you were the product of rape must have been devastating. I can only imagine. But instead of terminating her pregnancy, your mom chose to keep you and saved your life. Now it's up to you to show her that she made the right decision, and do something good with your life. You're only 18. You still have plenty of time to take courses and earn your diploma. You need your high school diploma if you want to be able to find a job. After getting your diploma, then you can consider college if you want.

    And you mentioned that you're wondering about your worth? If you mean your net-worth as in how much money you have, I would guess that it is pretty low, but if you mean your worth as a human being, then it would be priceless, because every life has value. :hug:
  3. Cloudbreaker

    Cloudbreaker Member

    The point is that she didn't keep me because she wanted me. Only because to get rid of me would be religiously immoral. I was not desired and I can never ever look at myself other than anything other than an memory of a terrible thing.

    I'm only 18, yes. I might have the time, but the will to and the how to are absent. Many things are holding me down and I've lost hope of having a happy life, even more so than when I tried to kill myself last December (As that was the reason for attempting).

    Also, yes I was figuring my human value as I don't have a dollar to my name, I know this. I can't believe someone like me can be worth anything, let alone priceless. So many things are wrong with me and I've done mean and selfish things to the people around me. No wonder I've barely ever had a friend in my life.

    I'm getting tired, just like my father used to tell me he was. I don't even have the strength he did to go on for years and years and years feeling this way and never getting to feel better.
  4. My birth mother gave me up for adoption because she couldn't handle the horrors of her pregnancy, and it was illegal for her to do otherwise. But 2 wonderful people adopted me and loved me, my parents.

    Your father, whom you say was not your real father, was your adopted father. He obviously loved you, giving you a sense that he was going to take care of you and be there for you. He supported you because he loved you and thought you were valuable.

    He would not want you to give up the way that he did. He put effort in to you, who was not really his child, because he saw you as having value. Because he did in fact see you as really his child.

    Everyone hits a low spot. Some of us hit several throughout our lives. I can tell you that even in your position now, where you feel helpless and hopeless, you can take initiative and you can change your life.

    You can enroll in a local GED center. Many of them have volunteer work you can do while you take GED classes, at least in my state. This will give you some work experience to put on a resume, even if unpaid.

    Once you get your GED, there should be technical centers where you live. A good 2-year Technical College can get you a good job doing something specific with your hands. This will help your self esteem a great deal. And it will give you a career, which can lead to your own place to live, etc.

    You cannot control how people feel about you. You cannot control the circumstances of your birth, family tragedy, or what you may have done in the past. But you can control today.

    When I go through my hopeless phases, I find that keeping busy helps. And that keeping busy makes me feel better about myself. The processing of feeling better about yourself can be a long one. But you have to start somewhere.

    So, get up and call that Technical College. I know you can do it!
  5. Cloudbreaker

    Cloudbreaker Member

    Wether anyone wants/wated me not to go is not really an issue to me anymore. I see the people around me crumbling and I can do nothing but watch. This isn't all about me right now. I see the people I care aboutbreaking under this weight of losing my father and so many bad things happening around me to the people who cared about him; his friends and his family.

    I already try to keep myself busy but it usually fails because I drift to places as I do anything. Even when I sit down, try to go to sleep, play a video game, watch a movie, clean the house, mow the lawn, organize the garage, look for a job, the hammer of regret, shame, and hopelessness keeps pounding on my head over and over and over and cracks are forming. You can't fix cracks.

    I've accepted the uncontrollable, really. I accept that some of the things that hold me down were out of my control. That I can't change them and must simply move past the, but I can't for reasons I don't really know.

    AS for motivation for the school thing... if I had any, I would have gone back to school after my attempted suicide rather than stay in bed for 2 months and let all the people I knew and chances I had close their doors on me. I dug my grave here. I can't stay where I am and I have nowhere else to go. For the first time since last december, I've reopened old, harmful habits and begun weighing the benefits and outcomes of certain methods of finally doing this.

    I already lost any shreds of hopes I had when my father died. I don't have any left and as for any dreams I once had, I accept they're far beyond someone like me's reach. I'm getting tired of being the middle-man, the nobody, the decoration, and virtually alone. i'vve always tried to never get on anyone's bad side, but there are people that hate me. For reasons I can't control. For reasons of choices I made. For reasons of mistakes I couldn't make up for. For reasons I don't even know.

    My Father didn't get a happy life or a happy ending and obviously didn't feel like I was worth sticking around for! He left me alone and what do I do now? What am I supposed to do? He didn't teach me anything yet and I don't know how to be a man like he was. I'm not prepared for this world or made for it. Sometimes among the roses you find a shriveled unbloomed bud. That's me. It's too late to try and bloom. It's too late to get to the light. It's far too late.
  6. Aw, hon, it's never too late.

    No one falls off the face of the earth.

    Over 12 years in Social Services and I can tell you that everyone gets a second chance. If they want it. If they try.

    Drug-dealers, drug-takers, child-molesters, wife-beaters, husband-beaters. No one falls off the face of the earth. Everyone has to keep going.

    So try. Leave the past in the past for a change and try something new.:smile:
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