I need to do this. I am not happy unless I am perfect. I can't be perfect if I don't follow my rules. I can't follow my rules because I'm not perfect. I know this makes no sense but I am broken, I have nothing left. I don't even know if everything I do is for me or for her. I don't even know if this is who I am, or is my entire identity a product of her. I had several panic attacks in the past month. I won't stop worrying. I hate feeling worthless because I got a B+ on a paper. I hate that I count how many people do better than me in the class. I hate that I can't be happy with who I am unles she is. I hate that I won't let anyone too close. I hate that when my friends worry about me, I get pissed. I hate that I gave in and ate too much today. I hate the way those pills taste. I hate that I never sleep yet I have lots of energy. I hate that I can never be normal and relax. i always hav to do something, always have to be productive. I hate that she did this to me. I hate that now, she is a totally different person. I can't confront the new her, about the old her. I hate that whenever I stop I want to drink. I really hate that if I stop and not drink, I want to die, I want to quit. I think about jumping in front of buses, or overdosing. Sometimes I feel like my life is a big lie, a big false memory.