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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Feb 17, 2011.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i can't stand this any more - feel like absolute shit

    just came from a meeting with my manager to be told i'm not really bringing value to the company

    i can't be what he wants me to be - i'm not going to be able to keep my job much longer i can feel it

    it already feels like i'm dead on the inside

    i'm fucking everything up - my kids, my job, my life - and it justs hurts too damned much

    i'm so fucking worthless and that's what hurts most of all

    started counting the items in my kit, making sure they're ready

    i'm sure you're all as sick of my bullshit as i am

    tried thinking of family and at this point i just don't care - they'll either deal with it or they won't but i want this life to be done
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    If the job is making you feel like this then jack it in. Why does it matter. Never let a job make you feel like you want to end your life.

    On that subject you should speak to someone in a crisis team or something. Is it that you can't handle the situation now. As I have been told suicide is a very permanent solution to a fixable temporary problem!
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    matters because i need it to pay for my kids' education

    matters because i need it to pay for the house

    matters because i'm supposed to take care of my family - that's my job and i've been fucking it up for too long

    there is no comparable job for me ANYWHERE that brings in nearly enough money - i've been looking - for years now

    i've given and given until i have nothing left to give

    i'm spent, exhausted

    i'm finished
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    You obviously care about your kids a lot then. So think if you went how they would be affected. Do you want to inflict un-necessary pain on them.

    Go to your boss explain how you have been and state that that may be the reasons for your performance.
    Go to your doctor get some help etc. You can't be expected to do it on your own. If you took time off sick would you get paid etc?

  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member


    i've never made a secret of it - it just doesn't fucking matter

    and like i said before my kids will deal with it or not - they're all 20 or older

    after years of putting everyone else's needs ahead of mine i think it's time for me to do something for myself and all the rest can just go to hell
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    on the train now - adrift amidst a human sea and it's taking almost everything i have to hold in the tears and the screams

    i am diminished - insignifcant - small

    i am nothing

    nobody misses nothing
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Tried sleeping -thought maybe things would look different in the morning but it just feels worse

    I want to thank everyone who tried to help me but there's no fixing this

    Kit is ready

    I'll be gone by the end of the day
  9. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    :( please don't. We're all here for you. :hug:
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't handle this any more

    completely crumbled on the train - any idea how hard it is to not let people see you crying in a crowded car?

    all i can think of is my kit and all the alternatives at work

    still physically sick as well - antibiotics for almost a week and still can't clear my lungs

    sitting here KNOWING how FUCKING USELESS I AM

    crying in my cubicle

    i want to die

    i need to die
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    counting my pills - all lined up

    already took xxx so i should be able to keep them down this time

    just need to stop at the drugstore next door to get some xxxx to throw into the mix
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2011
  12. Fedupforreal

    Fedupforreal Well-Known Member

    Your posts are probably going way over a lot of heads. What goes along with wanting out for good is a lot of rage and feeling worthless. Feeling like your current situation is a hole that's far deeper than you could dig, claw, or crawl your way out of. I have a few close friends and they can't understand this stuff in me either. And you try to tell people, can't control the rage, and at best, you get a couple of bumper stickers and a shove.

    I won't tell you things will get better. I don't know that so it would just be a lot of banana oil.

    I won't tell you that your wife and kids love you. You already know that. I know my son loves me. It doesn't ease the pain or stop me from hurting and crying.

    And I definitely won't tell you you're being selfish and cowardly. You're not being either of those things, and saying that would be nothing short of selfish and cowardly on my part. When logic fails me and I can't come up with a way to counter your arguments, grasping at emotional manipulation and blackmail actually aggravate the problem. It's nothing more than an attack and I don't like attacking people.

    All I can say is that with your feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness and the uncontrollable rage and wanting to cry--that's where I live. I can say, therefore, that I completely understand where you're at right now and how much you want to escape that.

    Try to hold on. I know that sounds completely stupid. Try anyway.
  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Please call or text me...I am always available...and you are never worthless to many of us...J
  14. Silverpuddle

    Silverpuddle Some kind of geek SF Author SF Supporter

    Please don't. You've obviously thought about this a lot, and I have no magic fairy dust to give you. But please don't do this thing.
  15. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Some will clock on somethings not right and call 911. OD's are long drawn out processes that usually don't work. They are painful, make you very sick and can cause organ damage which could leave you in a worse position than you are in now!
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    echo please get yourself to the hospital...get help
    that feeling usually passes if you hold on..
    I know I was where you are a few weeks ago...
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    fucked it up again

    never been able to get the timing right - last time it was too much too soon

    started with one thing then waited too long for the next - ended up knocking myself out

    now i have to wait to try again

    sitting here now listening to the shower running, radio playing

    don't feel any better than yesterday - i still want to die
  18. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    You need to get help rather than planning. If you put as much effort in to getting help as you are doing with making plans to kill yourself you may find that you are supported and can get some help. And it would give you another focus.

    As I said before unlikely OD'ing would work and would be a long, painful drawn out process. Just look at other peoples posts on here about how they haveOD'd in the past and now they have organ damage and things are now worse for them. So reconsider if only on that basis!

  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    there is no help

    unable to talk to psych/counselors

    cannot go back to hospital - too horrifying - i know i will die there

    if i'm going to die anyway want it to be on my terms

    is that so wrong?
  20. Crotalus

    Crotalus Member

    Probably very few people on here will actually agree with me, but I'm going to say it.. If things are that bad that you feel this way, and you wont seek help then there's not a lot anyone on here can actually do for you.

    They can say "I hope you are ok" or anything along the lines, but it's not going to change the way you're feeling.

    At the end of the day the choice is yours you can either fight to sort out your life, even for your kids as people have said as they'll probably be traumatised after this.. Or you can take the easy option and end it all, I would never judge someone for doing it. Life is hard and sometimes there is no fixing things.

    Just my opinion, dont do anything hastily. Think hard and decide what you want to do, you only get one life when it's done there's no going back.
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