I just came back from buying more cookie dough.. I went to the store and bought enough for a while.. Just feel like shit and want to end my life.. As I was walking back was just thinking about it.. If I ended my life I prob would hurt a lot of people.. And in some ways I feel like I just want people to be fucking hurt!! What use am I in this world??? To be used? To be dumped out on the side of the road as trash? Why do I even bother trying to live?? What is the point in living..? When every fucking relationship I've ever had has only caused pain on both sides.. When I sit here stuck at the bottom of human existence.. When I don't even feel human.. I'm an alien to the world! The whole fucking world!!! Why can't I be mean? Why can't I even get mad at other people??? Yet, I get mad at myself.. And yea.. now I'm finally mad at my family for giving me to the damn government when I was 16... GAVE ME UP... So what use am I?? I sit here used, betrayed, beaten, alone, isolated... I can't handle people.. I can't be with anyone in person for a long period of time.. I just get too nervous and need an escape to be alone!! Yet at the same time I want to not be alone.. What can I do? NOTHING... I'm never going to feel good.. I worry too damn much.. I'm never going to have any significant purpose or ANY purpose.. It's all gone.. I have no reason to live.. No real reason.. I have my cat and I have SF.. but really.. I can't even trust anyone in person.. My life of opposites.. I give up my childhood to be betrayed... I help someone only for them to hate me.. I try to kill myself and end up still here.. I want to have people, yet I can't trust anyone and am too nervous around every single person I meet.. I want help.. Yet I can't go to the hospital anymore.. They all know me.. Last time I went they told my dad I didn't even have PTSD and I was lying about shit.. Just because I couldn't tell them why I had PTSD.. They sent me home with NOTHING.. So I guess I'm useless trash to them.. The Crisis lines don't do shit for me except call the ambulance to take me to the fucking hospital.. And then the hospitals just trigger me to hell.. I can't even sleep there.. My PTSD is so bad there.. I just can't handle it.. I saw my therapist today.. She asked if I thought I could manage.. Told her I would try.. I couldn't tell her I was suicidal.. I knew she would most likely put me in the hospital.. considering my Brother, Aunt, and my first pets death were around this time of year, as well as my most severe suicide attempt.. And every year since age 15 I've had at least 1 attempt this time of year.. and I'm about to be 20 in April.. Sigh.. I just need to die already... After 30+ attempts I shouldn't be here.. I have no purpose.. I have no goals.. I'm worthless..