Wothless Always

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Iain, Jan 14, 2012.

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  1. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    If you have been following my posts in the crisis forum, you will know that I have had a couple of crises, the latest being over Christmas. As I am not necessarily in crisis at this point I thought it more appropriate to post here.
    Long story short...
    I have underlying depression and have been medicated for this for numerous years and have reached minor crises on and off, but was able to climb back down with the support of my wife. Well 6 months ago, after 24 years of marriage she decided that she no longer wanted to be married to me, or to be the mother of our 3 children. Needless to say it was a complete shock to me and it precipitated me becoming very suicidal. The police were called my parent intervened and I was sent off to a psych ward for a couple of weeks followed by a couple of weeks of intense therapy. After this I felt that I was slowly recovering and taking each day as it came. There were of course bumps along the way, but I thought I was recovering and I was on different medication.
    My GP and I discussed that I wanted to come off the meds eventually, so I began cutting back on two of them so that I could be weened off them. ... Then Christmas came...
    I relapsed... was unable to see outside of my own pain... and my ex decided that it was appropriate to tell me she had moved in with someone else... I had been holding out secret hopes of some form of reconciliation... If you read my other threads you might also see that my ex has a bit of a record of telling me things which she should not... her high point was mocking me for going into a psych ward....
    So Christmas came and I relapsed. I made it up until 2nd of Jan then had to take myself off to the emergency department. I was then sent off to a psych hospital where I stayed until I saw two of my kids on the Friday. One look at them told me that they were suffering because of me being in the psych ward. There are choices I made in putting their needs ahead of mine, so on the Monday I discharged myself against doctors orders.
    Since them I have been back at day therapy and will keep going until Monday of next week when I have to go back to work. My therapist and GP have told me to make small changes in my life, to find time for myself, to realize that my ex is being driven by her own demons and that it has nothing to do with what I have or havent done.
    Right now, Im back on meds I will provide a list if you want me to. Each day I take as it comes. Im trying to make small changes and to give myself time to grieve properly (something else my therapist tells me to do)

    So here I am recovering from some very scary moments.
    Anything you might want to add or ask is welcome.
     
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I've no questions or additions, but would like to congratulate you for moving forward in a positive way. It takes a lot to push ourselves when we feel so horrible, but you did and you are really trying and what more can you or anyone else ask or expect? I hope that you can continue on this path. As for your ex - I would agree with her having her own demons - definitely. Your concern is for you and your children. And karma does exist ;)

    I hope things continue to be brighter for you :hug:
     
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with everything Mo said Iain and also commend you on trying your best and succeeding in those small 'one at a time' steps
    I wish you well on your return to work
    we'll be here beside you all the way :hug:
     
  4. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Sunday morning, it is 13 days since the last crisis and the medication seems to be working. I spent yesterday painting part of the outside of the house. This is an ongoing project over the holidays and needs to be completed by sometime next week. The painting is strangely relaxing as I put my music on the ipod and focus only on the job at hand and nothing else. Im wondering if other find similar task a way to get their heads straight.
    The kids ... well they are their usual selves.. teenagers, self centered, what more can I say? They do a good job of cleaning up around the place so I am blessed.
    My problem right now is that I feel sort of flat. This is no doubt the medication kicking in, and I wonder if I will be able to feel the highs and lows again. If being flat is all I will feel then I will need to revisit medication in the future. But I gave my GP and psychiatrist an undertaking to stay on them for 7 months at least. So I will keep my end of the bargain.
    Last night before bed I did have a couple of anxiety attacks. My mind wandered a bit and the thoughts started to cascade. There is an old tree in the back corner of my yard. I started to worry about it falling over, dont know why. Then the thoughts cascaded to it falling on the neighbour's house, and from their me having to pay damages, then to me being financially ruined, then to being homeless, then to thoughts of self harm. And of course the anxiety flowed freely. Logic tells me that this is a silly way to think, but the logic gets over ridden by the cascade of thoughts. Perhaps by writing it down I am able to partly free myself.
    So here I am. Sunday morning. Ive survived this long.
    I wonder what the day holds?
     
  5. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Monday morning, 14 days since the crisis and I feel as though I am a different person. But perhaps I am being a little optimistic. Who knows?
    Yesterday I read for the morning, finished another novel. I seem to be averaging a novel every couple of days. It keeps my mind occupied away from the cause of my crisis. I also sent off an email to my university asking if I could take some time off from my PhD studies because of illness. If they cant give me the time Im afraid I will have to withdraw from it. I know though that I need some time to get my head well and truly straight.
    In the afternoon I took two of my kids off for a Sunday drive. Took them up to Serpentine Dam and took a couple of photos of them. It felt good just to drive around with them and not to be rushing from one place to another. I think I will do the same thing next week as well. When I got back I got the paint out and painted the outside of the house for about 3 hours. This was also good time for me as my mind was only focused on the job and the music from my ipod. Then dinner, medication and a nights sleep. At least the medication is allowing me to sleep through most of the night. And there were no cascading thoughts for once.
    Today I have to take my daughter to an interview with an employment agency. She desperately wants to find some part time work and our local employers are not willing to take on a young lady who is profoundly deaf. So we are going to ask this agency to help us. Then in the afternoon I have an appointment with the therapist.
    So here I am again. Monday morning. Ive survived this far. Another day ahead of me.
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I am following your journey with interest Iain..
    I can see you making many positive steps forward
    ''making memories'' with your kids is good!!
    good luck to your daughter with her employment seeking
    :hug:
     
  7. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Hi IV thanks for the kind words. I cannot emphasis enough how much these kind words and the words of others in the crisis forum have helped in my gradual recovery.
    so Tuesday morning. Another day I have survived. I think of those words of desperation I wrote in the crisis forum and feel that was a different person talking then. It looks like the meds are working, but I am still worried that at some point I cannot stay on them and will need to stand on my own feet without an artificial prop. But those days are a long way away.
    It was a good day mostly yesterday. However I did make a mistake of seeing on my daugher's facebook page that my ex's boyfriend had become a 'friend' of my daughter. This caused about an hour of anxiety for me. I need to put these things to another place in my mind.
    I did go to this employment agency with my daughter and they seemed really helpful. Hopefully something positive will come from this for her. There was no therapy, instead I had to go and spend a small fortune on books for my kids to go to school in a couple of weeks. Then I painted the outside of the house. I need to emphasize how positive this is for me as I listen to my ipod and just paint for a few hours. I also did some reading. I have to be back at work in exactly a week. My therapist feels I should take more time to recover. She tells me that I need to stop thinking so much of others and spend some time finding myself. Which is great advice. Unfortunately if I dont return to work there will be a whole different series of pressures on me, so it is a bit of a balancing act.
    Not much else to add for now.
    I just want to remind anyone who reads this that there is light on the other side of any crisis you might be experiencing.
     
  8. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Wednesday morning, I have survived another day. Yesterday was a fairly normal day, did some chores around the house then off to therapy for a few hours, then home. Late in the afternoon my daughter and I worked on building a new banister for the outside balcony. When I started painting the house I started to see the other repair work that had to be done. It feels good to spend some time working with my hands, trying to figure out how to build this thing, using the tools, being frustrated, having small successes. Therapy was alright yesterday although Im also aware that it has to end on Monday then I need to stand on my own. Although my therapist tells me that I will still have to come to visit one day a week. Yesterday we talked about the anxiety attacks I have had and how to deal with them. I talked about how the logical part of my brain was able to see how silly the anxiety was but the emotional part just ran with the cascading thoughts. She suggested that instead of fighting the thoughts I should let them run their course but also allow my logical side to just observe the anxiety. I will try this next time.
    If anyone does read this, please be heartened to know that their is light at the other side. I know in the middle of a crisis that it never seems that way, but you need to just hang on and let others help you. I have certainly been helped by the kind words of others on this site.
     
  9. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you know there's a light on the other side. I've had moments where I wanted to end my miserable life because of pain. However sites like this one tend to help me. Emotional words help others it really does... The encouragement you can get is amazing especially from others who are in similar crisis's. Your brave for seeing a therapist because I haven't seen one yet. I have in the past but I find it difficult to open up to them... So, really in the end I don't get much out of it as I should. Please continue sharing your feelings here on SF. Remember you have others here that experience similar pains and crisis's.
     
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    great advice Iain and I'm sure this will help others here reading your thread..
    I've picked up a few tips from you re your therapists advice already..
    wishing that you do more than survive another day but actually 'live' it in the future *hug*
     
  11. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I agree with IV on this one. It's a good feeling to live it in the future.
     
  12. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Thursday morning, and Ive survived another day. Perhaps I will eventually live my life IV but right now it is one day at a time. Yesterday was productive, I was able to finish off making the first piece for the banister on the front balcony, only two more to go, then I have to fit them and hope that the measurements are adequate. I was in therapy for only half the day. I should say that what I am doing is intensive day therapy, which is similar to having the hospital supports except that I get to come and go as I please. It takes up the days and I am finding it helpful although I am a little concerned that on Monday I have to stop going and then stand on my own for a bit. I hope that I remember all of the advice of my therapist... So yesterday was art therapy, I painted an upside down row boat washed up on the beach. The art therapist then asked me to do another type of boat so I drew an old cargo boat. She tells me it is about where I am right now, washed up on a beach, and where I am going, taking a lot of cargo to another place. Im not sure about it all, I find the physical acts of painting and drawing to be soothing for my mind as that is the only place my mind is at at that time.
    Then in the evening it was Yoga, which always helps to calm my mind. Overall a productive day.
    I have received a call about a possible job for my daughter which is encouraging. She is going to do a trial on Tuesday and hopefully that will lead to other things. Fingers crossed. And I went down to centrelink (Australian social services) and made enquiries about helping my eldest son to find full time work. So more positive things.
    Lets hope that today is also a good day.
     
  13. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I hope you have another good day, and I agree yoga helps me calm my brain down for a little while. Hopefully you keep having productive days because that seems to help you out a little bit.

    Trevor,
     
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    sounds like you are a very handy person and are being pretty productive
    which helps distract our overactive minds?!

    I'm pleased to hear things are going forward with the job hunting for the kids
    I can see how much they need their Dad there for them
    I think you're making an amazing effort and hope things continue to improve
     
  15. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    IV's is right. I'm pleased also that your being proactive and pressing forward. I know my proactive nature helps me get through long weeks where I typically want to give in. But, being able to be productive is great because it lessens the mind a little bit.

    Trevor,
     
  16. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I also have those "cascading thoughts", especially when I am depressed. My psychologist told me to visualize a container with a lid (mine is a blue ceramic jar with a cork lid) and then put the thought/worry in the container. Put on the lid. Know that you can take it out at any time to revisit it. I often have to think through that visualization several times before I can let go of the thought but it does work for me most of the time.
     
  17. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Thankyou Anneinside, for the suggestion, part of my problem has been that I have bottled up far too much over the years and as a consequence, it comes out at the least expected times. I know I have to work on the cascading thoughts. I find that writing them down at least gets them out of my head for a while and it allows the analytical side to see how silly they are.
    It is Friday afternoon, I have been to therapy, Monday will be the last day going full time. My therapist tells me I need to drop in about once a week so that we can explore some of the many issues that I have. Of all things, when talking to her about my relationship breakdown and my need to move forward, I could feel the emotions bubbling to the surface. So I guess it is all still there just waiting to leak out at the odd moment. I found the art therapy useful as I was asked to do a self portrait split down the middle. I ended up doing one side dark and angry and the other side peaceful and serene. I guess that says something about my state as well.
    It is a funny day, yesterday evening I had a few stiff drinks, the first since my relapse, and of course had a rotten nights sleep. Before the relapse, if I drank at all then the following day always involved suicidal thoughts. Im coming to the realisation that I cannot drink at all, which is also a shame as I do enjoy a good cold beer. Perhaps this will be one of those small changes that makes a big difference over time. Anyway the day has been, tense for me, and I just dont know why that is so.
    Thats about all I have for you. Sorry that it is a bit jumbled and a bit on the down side. I have survived though and hope that tomorrow will bring a little joy into my life.
    Hmm interesting word joy. It feels as though joy has been missing for the better part of a year. And I do so miss it.
     
  18. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Saturday afternoon, I have spent the better part of the day tracking from one side of the city to the other trying to buy the kids the stuff they need for going back to school. It has also been a rather expensive day as this stuff is not cheep. And of course one of the places that I went well and truly off the beaten track for wasnt open, not amused about that. Overall though, I have managed to get pretty well everything that the kids need.
    All of this means that because I have focused on this for the day, I havent had time to allow my mind to turn to the more negative things. Mind you, my ex has asked my two sons to visit her on Monday and Tuesday, One of them has an appointment on Tuesday, and she expects me to drive them there, some 200 km one way. That did turn my mind onto the negative and yes the thoughts did start to cascade. I tried my therapist's advice by letting the thoughts come and trying to observe them from a logical position. That sort of worked. Im thinking that perhaps I should put the thoughts in a jar and see how that works. I guess I will find a way to deal with them.
    So this afternoon, Im going to take two of the kids to the movies. I also need to get onto the next phase of the balcony. Working with my hands is definately theraputic. I wonder why that is?
    As I have said before, if you read this thread know that there is an existence beyond the crisis. Know that there is hope. Know that when you are in a crisis, there are people her to listen to you and to give you kind words.
    So I have survived another day, perhaps I will look to the future tomorrow.
     
  19. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    At least your posting about your days and it seems like your doing stuff. School supplies aren't cheap... Spent over $50 dollars worth a couple weeks ago to start my winter quarter with supplies. I typically burn through so much paper it's not really that funny. I tend to run out of ink fast because we do lots of reading and writing in English - math is also a pain because I have to do mostly everything in pencil. So, sounds like your staying active Iain. At least your looking forward to the future of tomorrow. Hopefully it goes by well for you.

    Trevor,
     
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I see you doing great things to move forward Iain and I like reading your posts
    as well as seeing you taking those forward steps you seem to slip in a bit of very good advice for those of us reading
    thank you for helping us when you are struggling yourself
    hope tomorrow is a good day
    what movie did you see? :hug:
     
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