Wothless Always
- Thread starter Iain
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Sunday morning, and the day feels a lot more hopeful today. The heat has passed us by for today it seems, its only going to be about 33, which is almost winter in comparison to the past week of temperatures at an average of 41 degrees. Thankyou to those American readers who totally confused me. I thought you all were from Australia. I got very confused for a little while there.
The day holds hope for me. Yesterday, I had to run from one side of Perth to the other getting things for my daughter so that she is ready to start school on Wednesday. Essentially I was going from an air conditioned car to air conditioned shops which actually means I felt the heat a lot more when I finished. Then later it was rushing to pick up sons from work and finally home for the day. Thank goodness we have a pool which enabled us to cool off. Then in the evening I was reading a bit on critical ethnography. I had promised myself that I was going to give up on this second PhD. I felt that it was adding to the pressures on me. But the sad reality is that I wrote to my supervisors and told them that I had been ill and asked them for 6 months off study. So the reality is that I will probably continue it. Like the working with my hands stuff, I find that focused study enables me to focus my mind completely on the job instead of all the little things that lead to cascading thoughts. All of this means that the study stays and consequently I was trying to get my head around critical ethnography and how I will use it in the study. More importantly how I will use it to write a chapter on methodology.
One thing that I promised my therapist was that I would write down my thoughts, well this forum seems to have become an avenue for doing just that. I suggest to some of you that perhaps writing on a daily basis has got some theraputic value and that if you read this perhaps you should give it a go. What will it hurt? And it sometimes gets those thoughts out of your head.
I am going to enroll in an evening art class tomorrow, not because I am trying to weigh myself down, but because art therapy was useful and I want to continue the theraputic value of it. I also need to socialize more. My past posts have dealt with how difficult it is for me to socialize, well this is one way to socialize with others. So wish me luck please.
On Tuesday, I have to visit my therapist after work. She is helping me explore the breakdown of my marriage. It is painful, but I think that I cannot continue ignoring the harm that my ex has done. And I need to stop blaming myself. Im not the one who broke their vows..
If you read this, and I hope you do follow my recovery, know that there is hope. When you are in the midst of the crisis please read back over my posts and see that there is hope. You might even want to read what I wrote during a crisis and how dreadfully sad I was. Know there is hope and please hang on.
Until tomorrow.
The day holds hope for me. Yesterday, I had to run from one side of Perth to the other getting things for my daughter so that she is ready to start school on Wednesday. Essentially I was going from an air conditioned car to air conditioned shops which actually means I felt the heat a lot more when I finished. Then later it was rushing to pick up sons from work and finally home for the day. Thank goodness we have a pool which enabled us to cool off. Then in the evening I was reading a bit on critical ethnography. I had promised myself that I was going to give up on this second PhD. I felt that it was adding to the pressures on me. But the sad reality is that I wrote to my supervisors and told them that I had been ill and asked them for 6 months off study. So the reality is that I will probably continue it. Like the working with my hands stuff, I find that focused study enables me to focus my mind completely on the job instead of all the little things that lead to cascading thoughts. All of this means that the study stays and consequently I was trying to get my head around critical ethnography and how I will use it in the study. More importantly how I will use it to write a chapter on methodology.
One thing that I promised my therapist was that I would write down my thoughts, well this forum seems to have become an avenue for doing just that. I suggest to some of you that perhaps writing on a daily basis has got some theraputic value and that if you read this perhaps you should give it a go. What will it hurt? And it sometimes gets those thoughts out of your head.
I am going to enroll in an evening art class tomorrow, not because I am trying to weigh myself down, but because art therapy was useful and I want to continue the theraputic value of it. I also need to socialize more. My past posts have dealt with how difficult it is for me to socialize, well this is one way to socialize with others. So wish me luck please.
On Tuesday, I have to visit my therapist after work. She is helping me explore the breakdown of my marriage. It is painful, but I think that I cannot continue ignoring the harm that my ex has done. And I need to stop blaming myself. Im not the one who broke their vows..
If you read this, and I hope you do follow my recovery, know that there is hope. When you are in the midst of the crisis please read back over my posts and see that there is hope. You might even want to read what I wrote during a crisis and how dreadfully sad I was. Know there is hope and please hang on.
Until tomorrow.
Well it is Monday evening, and Im a little tired. Back at work again today, I had to sit for the entire day through endless talks about new approaches to education. It is not how I would have enjoyed spending my day. But I guess they pay me for this stuff so I have to attend. Let me just say that the day has not been all that inspiring.
I expected to be able to enroll in an art course this evening, but have managed to get the days mixed up too. Apparently it is tomorrow so that was one more thing that was not really achieved. Looks like a common theme is emerging for the day.
All in all there is not a great deal to tell you. I am writing this as a form of journal now so that I can at least get some of the stuff out of my head, and so that if perhaps you are in crisis and happen to read this stuff, you might see that there is hope beyond the crisis.
So I will leave it here. Sorry to have jumped around a bit. I will try doing better tomorrow.
I expected to be able to enroll in an art course this evening, but have managed to get the days mixed up too. Apparently it is tomorrow so that was one more thing that was not really achieved. Looks like a common theme is emerging for the day.
All in all there is not a great deal to tell you. I am writing this as a form of journal now so that I can at least get some of the stuff out of my head, and so that if perhaps you are in crisis and happen to read this stuff, you might see that there is hope beyond the crisis.
So I will leave it here. Sorry to have jumped around a bit. I will try doing better tomorrow.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better for you Iain. At least your using this thread as a type of journal. At least it's working by getting some stuff out of your head, and hopefully it makes you feel a little better when you do it. Remember were here to listen to you. Continue to share your thoughts with us when you feel like it.
Trevor,
Trevor,
Tuesday afternoon and it feels as though I have not been away from work at all. You know that funny feeling when a holiday is simple a distant memory, well that is how I felt today. There were meetings that seemed to go on for ever and then I had to help my staff get their things together ready for the kids arriving tomorrow. I am tired as I write this, but it is a good sort of tired. I actually feel as though I have achieved something of worth today. Im not going to write a great deal again today as my brain is a little muddled. So sorry if you are expecting more.
After work I had to rush to an appointment with my therapist. She is a good person. She worked me through an exercise of looking at the positives and negatives of my relationship, then the positives and negatives of being alone. Following this we looked at where I was headed. It feels good to talk through some of these things with someone who isnt really actually involved. She talks a lot of sense. She again emphasized that I need to sometimes stand back from thoughts and just observe them as they occur and perhaps explore where the thoughts have come from and where they try and take me. I was tired when I went in to see her, but I feel better after talking to her. So that is a positive. I have also finally been able to enrol in an art course for a term. Well it is a drawing for beginners course. That starts on the 9th. I hope it is productive. At the very least it is an attempt to break from this mold that I am in.
Finally, I had a colleague suggest that I try online dating. I told him that it has only been six months and a bit and that I am not very good at that sort of thing. In fact I was making excuses to avoid it. I remain almost phobic about socialising, but know in my heart that I will have to at some point.
Thats it for the day. I look forward to your input.
After work I had to rush to an appointment with my therapist. She is a good person. She worked me through an exercise of looking at the positives and negatives of my relationship, then the positives and negatives of being alone. Following this we looked at where I was headed. It feels good to talk through some of these things with someone who isnt really actually involved. She talks a lot of sense. She again emphasized that I need to sometimes stand back from thoughts and just observe them as they occur and perhaps explore where the thoughts have come from and where they try and take me. I was tired when I went in to see her, but I feel better after talking to her. So that is a positive. I have also finally been able to enrol in an art course for a term. Well it is a drawing for beginners course. That starts on the 9th. I hope it is productive. At the very least it is an attempt to break from this mold that I am in.
Finally, I had a colleague suggest that I try online dating. I told him that it has only been six months and a bit and that I am not very good at that sort of thing. In fact I was making excuses to avoid it. I remain almost phobic about socialising, but know in my heart that I will have to at some point.
Thats it for the day. I look forward to your input.
Thursday evening. In case you havent guessed, I am using this thread as a sort of journal and as a way to share my long road to recovery in the hope that perhaps someone else will read it and see that there is a road back even when the crisis blind us to it. One important thing to take away is how simply writing stuff, sometimes jumbled, helps me to get some things out of my head. If you read this please know that there is hope.
So, another day at work. Having been a teacher for twenty years, I find that as soon as that first class of kids fronts up, that I just go straight into that whole performance thing. I liken it to putting on an old comfortable pair of shoes. I hope that makes sense to you. Anyway work helps a lot because I feel needed and I feel that I am actually making a real contribution to the wider world. My last crisis coincided with Christmas and a long holiday, which I now think allowed me to spend a lot of time looking inward. And what I see, I dont always like.
I have stopped one of my meds. On doctors advice. That means no more serequel at night strangely it hasnt effected my sleep, as I expected it to. I have faithfully promised to stay on my current meds for at least 7 months. That means that round about July I might start trying again to come off them. I believe, rightly or wrongly, that I should be able to stand by myself without the meds. I think that the meds are a sort of artificial world. Yes my doctor says that I should think of me as having an illness and the meds as a way to combat the illness, but I guess Im a bit old fashioned about putting chemicals into my body. So we will see what happens in July.
I forgot to add the other day that my therapist likened my marriage as a way to boil a frog. You know that if you put a frog in boiling water it just jumps right out. But if you put it in normal water on the stove and slowly apply heat it will not jump out and instead be boiled to death. Not nice I know. But her point was that my ex did all these things to me and the kids while she was here, and I allowed her to. Things got really awful, but I still clung to the marriage, like a frog in hot water. It is only now that I am out of the relationship that I can see how destructive she was. The breakdown was not about me. Although I will admit that I am far from perfect. The breakdown was about her having her own issues.
So that is it for today. It has been a good day and I am starting to live for the future.
So, another day at work. Having been a teacher for twenty years, I find that as soon as that first class of kids fronts up, that I just go straight into that whole performance thing. I liken it to putting on an old comfortable pair of shoes. I hope that makes sense to you. Anyway work helps a lot because I feel needed and I feel that I am actually making a real contribution to the wider world. My last crisis coincided with Christmas and a long holiday, which I now think allowed me to spend a lot of time looking inward. And what I see, I dont always like.
I have stopped one of my meds. On doctors advice. That means no more serequel at night strangely it hasnt effected my sleep, as I expected it to. I have faithfully promised to stay on my current meds for at least 7 months. That means that round about July I might start trying again to come off them. I believe, rightly or wrongly, that I should be able to stand by myself without the meds. I think that the meds are a sort of artificial world. Yes my doctor says that I should think of me as having an illness and the meds as a way to combat the illness, but I guess Im a bit old fashioned about putting chemicals into my body. So we will see what happens in July.
I forgot to add the other day that my therapist likened my marriage as a way to boil a frog. You know that if you put a frog in boiling water it just jumps right out. But if you put it in normal water on the stove and slowly apply heat it will not jump out and instead be boiled to death. Not nice I know. But her point was that my ex did all these things to me and the kids while she was here, and I allowed her to. Things got really awful, but I still clung to the marriage, like a frog in hot water. It is only now that I am out of the relationship that I can see how destructive she was. The breakdown was not about me. Although I will admit that I am far from perfect. The breakdown was about her having her own issues.
So that is it for today. It has been a good day and I am starting to live for the future.
Friday afternoon, the last day of the week. I realised this morning that it has been exactly a month since the last crisis. It feels like longer but in actual fact this time last month I was in a psych ward, I was inconsolable and I was on some serious meds. Not to mention the whole suicidal thoughts part and being a danger to myself. I am truly relieved that I am still here. I am relieved that there does seem to be a future.
And being Friday, I need to take the time to remind myself that I should not drink on the weekend as the alcohol, no matter how small an amount, makes me feel very depressed and suicidal the next morning. Some one out there please keep reminding me not to drink. Please.
I have been at work all day so there isnt all that much to tell you. Unless you want to hear how I taught some of my higher ability kids about context in literature and how within their analysis they need to take time to discuss context. I thought so... you are yawning and dont want to know about it.
Well the day has been good to me. The temperature has dropped down to the low 30's. For you Americans I dont know what temperature that is. It is still warm, but not unbearable.
Just remember please that there is hope on the other side.
And being Friday, I need to take the time to remind myself that I should not drink on the weekend as the alcohol, no matter how small an amount, makes me feel very depressed and suicidal the next morning. Some one out there please keep reminding me not to drink. Please.
I have been at work all day so there isnt all that much to tell you. Unless you want to hear how I taught some of my higher ability kids about context in literature and how within their analysis they need to take time to discuss context. I thought so... you are yawning and dont want to know about it.
Well the day has been good to me. The temperature has dropped down to the low 30's. For you Americans I dont know what temperature that is. It is still warm, but not unbearable.
Just remember please that there is hope on the other side.
:ohmy: :what: Sorry Iain didn't understand a word of that! 
Your posts show that there is hope if we can manage to hold on another day..
You have done a great job getting through this month, starting work, and realizing the alcohol thing (and many other steps along the way)
Be proud of yourself :hug:
and please remember ; NO ALCOHOL
Your posts show that there is hope if we can manage to hold on another day..
You have done a great job getting through this month, starting work, and realizing the alcohol thing (and many other steps along the way)
Be proud of yourself :hug:
and please remember ; NO ALCOHOL
Ive been good. No alcohol at all. I am very mindful right now that perhaps even one drink is enough to tip me so I am going to avoid it for a long time. I was sort of tempted last night to go to the pub just for the band, but the problem is then that the temptation is there so I have left it completely alone.
Saturday afternoon, I have survived another day. Well actually I am starting to look to the future more, which is a positive. The day has been spent running after the kids. One has to be run to work, another picked up from a Saturday class. Daughter will have to be picked up in about an hour, then this evening I need to pick up my middle son. So much for a quiet weekend.
My early mornings are spent walking the dog. I am using the advice of my therapist during these times and focusing on my senses and putting all thoughts to the back of my mind or out of my mind. When I find some thoughts intruding I try to push them aside. She says that this type of mindfulness, where all I do is focus on the walk and what my senses are experiencing is a good way to de-stress. Im finding that it does work. It is a bit like mediation I guess. You see as I walk I feel the early light on my face, I can see the hills off in the distance, I can hear the birds and I can smell the bush around me. I feel the rhythm of my steps. During this that is where my mind is at. I come back from these walks feeling more refreshed and ready to face the day ahead. I hope that you might think about trying this. focus on the moment only and in that moment there is no future or past, just the moment.
I hope this helps you
Saturday afternoon, I have survived another day. Well actually I am starting to look to the future more, which is a positive. The day has been spent running after the kids. One has to be run to work, another picked up from a Saturday class. Daughter will have to be picked up in about an hour, then this evening I need to pick up my middle son. So much for a quiet weekend.
My early mornings are spent walking the dog. I am using the advice of my therapist during these times and focusing on my senses and putting all thoughts to the back of my mind or out of my mind. When I find some thoughts intruding I try to push them aside. She says that this type of mindfulness, where all I do is focus on the walk and what my senses are experiencing is a good way to de-stress. Im finding that it does work. It is a bit like mediation I guess. You see as I walk I feel the early light on my face, I can see the hills off in the distance, I can hear the birds and I can smell the bush around me. I feel the rhythm of my steps. During this that is where my mind is at. I come back from these walks feeling more refreshed and ready to face the day ahead. I hope that you might think about trying this. focus on the moment only and in that moment there is no future or past, just the moment.
I hope this helps you
Im sorry that I didnt get a chance to write yesterday, I let everything get on top of me. Not in a negative thought way, more that I just got amazingly busy and didnt stop before I had to be in bed. Thankyou both for the nice thoughts and the support. I managed the weekend without any alcohol so that is a good thing. As I have said before though, its not that I have a drinking problem, more that the dam stuff disagrees with me. Even if I have only one or two, it seems to drag me down for the next day. So yes I am keeping away from if for a bit at least.
I took the kids two of the kids to the movies on Sunday. Finally. And in the middle of the movie, I looked at the both of them and just felt this warm moment in my heart. I felt that I was actually content, and that being a dad is a great job. The moment only lasted a few seconds. But if I could have captured it it would have been this perfect moment in time. I hope that from time to time you are able to have these very brief moments in time when you feel content. Im going to lock this moment into my memory and try and recall it if things start to deteriorate at some time.
I saw my therapist again today. She seems to think that I am on the road to recovery and I think the next time will be the last tine with her. She is part of a community crisis group, and as my crisis has passed she has to move on to others who need her more. I actually understand. And I will have to try and find another private therapist to help me continue. Im starting to see that this talking to someone is helping me to work through my multitude of issues.
Today she spoke about how I might be able to socialize. As you are no doubt aware, I am no good socially. In fact I am rather isolated, which is why a forum like this is helpful for me as it is a way for me to get stuff out of my head. Anyway, she suggested ways I could operate in social situations, like acting as the facilitator, or how I might actually talk to others. Again she has been helpful.
Im going to end by saying that work is a bit of a drag right now. Well for the past two days at least. It is nothing major, just some annoying things that other people do or say.
I am looking to the future now. I have moved beyond just surviving day to day....
Thankyou
I took the kids two of the kids to the movies on Sunday. Finally. And in the middle of the movie, I looked at the both of them and just felt this warm moment in my heart. I felt that I was actually content, and that being a dad is a great job. The moment only lasted a few seconds. But if I could have captured it it would have been this perfect moment in time. I hope that from time to time you are able to have these very brief moments in time when you feel content. Im going to lock this moment into my memory and try and recall it if things start to deteriorate at some time.
I saw my therapist again today. She seems to think that I am on the road to recovery and I think the next time will be the last tine with her. She is part of a community crisis group, and as my crisis has passed she has to move on to others who need her more. I actually understand. And I will have to try and find another private therapist to help me continue. Im starting to see that this talking to someone is helping me to work through my multitude of issues.
Today she spoke about how I might be able to socialize. As you are no doubt aware, I am no good socially. In fact I am rather isolated, which is why a forum like this is helpful for me as it is a way for me to get stuff out of my head. Anyway, she suggested ways I could operate in social situations, like acting as the facilitator, or how I might actually talk to others. Again she has been helpful.
Im going to end by saying that work is a bit of a drag right now. Well for the past two days at least. It is nothing major, just some annoying things that other people do or say.
I am looking to the future now. I have moved beyond just surviving day to day....
Thankyou
YEs hun and you will make a great dad Now you have some footing you have done some healing and i do hope you find a new therapist even if you just go once a month because it will help you stay focused on what matters hun you and your children hugs to you for doing such a great job in getting you help and carrying through with it hugs
Saturday morning. Where on earth did the week go? It has certainly slipped away from me. Mind you I have been flat out just running around after the three kids. My eldest has had some success in getting full time work, which is a big step for us as a family to take. And of course I am proud that he is taking steps to move forward as an adult. My daughter has managed to get the part time job she was trying out for. She and I went down to Rockingham yesterday to set up a bank account and get her a tax file number. And my middle son continues to work in his last year of school. I was at an art course on Thursday night. Before the class I had time to have a short walk and time to myself. And the course is held in one of Perth's exclusive suburbs. Well I was walking and just trying to be in the moment not really thinking about much except the susn set and how beautiful it all was by the river. I had this thought about whether I would be happier if I lived in this particular area and had the money and all the rest. I sort of started to realise that the people in these expensive houses were no happier, sadder or anything than I am. So on Friday and this morning this realisation has been in my mind. That even if my material circumstances altered, I would still be me. I would be no more happy or sad, or anything. this has actually brought me some comfort for two days.
Just thought I would share that with you.
I hope you stay well.
Just thought I would share that with you.
I hope you stay well.
Wow how great it is for your kids to have thier father there with them when they are reaching these goals they have set for themselves I too am glad you are making time for YOU hun and no they are no happier or sadder being in those expensive homes A home is what you make it right and you have created a home of love for your children hugs
Sunday afternoon. Im going to take two of the kids to a film in about an hour. The other one isnt talking to me. He is having his school ball next month, yesterday I took him into the city to buy a suit. For Christmas I deliberately gave him a large gift voucher for a nice mens wear shop that he uses thinking that he would use it to get one of their suits. But no, he went elsewhere and spent a lot of his money on the first suit he saw. I know that it was an impulse buy and that he was persuaded by the pretty sales girl. And I tried to warn him. but what would I know huh? Then today we had to go and try and get the suit taken in and adjusted to fit him, and I told him he had to buy a nice shirt etc. He got all sulky with me and I eventually got angry at his attitude. So now he is angry at me for goodness knows what reason. Ah the wonderful life of being a single dad. I know that this is only a teenager thing, but it is still hard being on the receiving end sometimes.
Enough of the negative though. When I got angry I got the lawn mower out and started mowing the front yard. Because it is a large yard this took a couple of hours. And I find that the act of waling up and down getting the line right and all the rest is a way to sooth my mind. It is almost a Zen sort of thing where all I am focused on is the job I am doing instead of focusing on an angry young man. I have also started those art classes I spoke of earlier. I dont know if I will be able to produce anything of value. The point is that I get out and am social, and the act of focusing on drawing, making shapes, holding the pencil, erasing, looking at the subject, shading and a plethora of other things, takes my mind to a peaceful place.
I also dont want you to get the wrong impression of me. I do have depression. That depression can eat its way into my world at the oddest times. I dont want you to think that I am living in this wonderful place, because Im not. I am angry at my ex. I do doubt myself. I do get the cascading thoughts. I do get down. I do get angry. It is just the things I am doing right now like art and yoga and walking and gardening help to give my mind a rest every once in a while.
My yoga teacher said to me that the mind is meant to think. Sometimes it thinks of things that might not be pleasant. But by using some relaxation techniques like the list above, we are giving the mind a bit of a rest.
I hope this all makes sense and that you can use something from this ramble.
Enough of the negative though. When I got angry I got the lawn mower out and started mowing the front yard. Because it is a large yard this took a couple of hours. And I find that the act of waling up and down getting the line right and all the rest is a way to sooth my mind. It is almost a Zen sort of thing where all I am focused on is the job I am doing instead of focusing on an angry young man. I have also started those art classes I spoke of earlier. I dont know if I will be able to produce anything of value. The point is that I get out and am social, and the act of focusing on drawing, making shapes, holding the pencil, erasing, looking at the subject, shading and a plethora of other things, takes my mind to a peaceful place.
I also dont want you to get the wrong impression of me. I do have depression. That depression can eat its way into my world at the oddest times. I dont want you to think that I am living in this wonderful place, because Im not. I am angry at my ex. I do doubt myself. I do get the cascading thoughts. I do get down. I do get angry. It is just the things I am doing right now like art and yoga and walking and gardening help to give my mind a rest every once in a while.
My yoga teacher said to me that the mind is meant to think. Sometimes it thinks of things that might not be pleasant. But by using some relaxation techniques like the list above, we are giving the mind a bit of a rest.
I hope this all makes sense and that you can use something from this ramble.
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