Would it be any worse?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mmt, Oct 13, 2016.

  1. Mmt

    Mmt New Member

    I've been depressed for the majority of my life thus far and always went to drugs for the answer. Of course they only made it worse. I've been sober for 3 months, that's the longest I've gone since I first started 5 years ago. I came down with an infection in my bones from IV drug use. They say it'll be about 7 weeks of IV antibiotics while I live in a nursing facility. Things haven't improved and the weight of everything that's happened is bringing me down more and more evey day. I relapsed yesterday and the guilt is so powerful that I feel I don't have any options left. My treatment took a turn for the worse today and I don't know how much more I can handle. I know that suicide would only be easy for me- not at all for my loved ones. It's so hard to stay positive when things couldn't get much worse anyway. I want so badly to give up but I know that it wouldn't be fair. It's almost like I've been running from suicide for so long that I've reached the edge of the cliff and the only option is to give up and jump. I can't find another choice. I'm just so exhausted from the constant sadness. Thank you for listening, it feels good to talk about it.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @Mmt and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are feeling this awful. You are right though it would be painful for your loved ones. Let's take suicide off of your list of options, what are the remaining ones? 3 months sober is excellent well done, if you did it once you can do it again, be proud of yourself, have you spoken to any professional about your thoughts of suicide? I really think if you have not that you should. There are plenty of medications that could soothe your thoughts a bit. I am glad that writing and airing your thoughts out here has helped. Best of luck to you.
     
  3. Mmt

    Mmt New Member

    Thank you, Petal.
    I had a psychiatrist whom I saw for almost 4 years but she thought I would be better suited with someone who specializes specifically in borderline personality disorder. We've tried some meds but no results so far. When they admitted me to the hospital they asked if I wanted any antidepressants and I should have said yes, but I always think I'll be fine without them (idk why I think that since it's never worked before). I am trying to keep my mind on those who care about me, they're the only reason I've made it this far. I should be grateful for my life and the people around me, but I can't seem to get through this thick fog that's been following me my whole life. Thank you for your reply.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi again, @Mmt you are most welcome hun. I also have borderline personality disorder, I know the life of someone with BPD, it can get fairly hectic and out of control and you can act reckless. Maybe the anti depressants you were offered would have helped maybe they wouldn't. My main medicine for the BPD is lyrica and it works very well, it stabilises my mood, maybe look further into that? Zyprexa has also helped as has lustral and lexapro. Yeah, I am on a lot of medications but I need them. Talk to your doctor and see what they recommend, there's no harm in trying what they suggest in my opinion. You seem like a lovely person, your life is spiralling but you can readjust that with therapy and medication. I found CBT very helpful. Have they offered you any therapy?
     
  5. Mmt

    Mmt New Member

    I was in cognitive therapy for years but I tend to lie compulsively even though I get no benefit from lying so it never helped much. They've said DBT would maybe help more than CBT for me. I haven't looked into it yet though. I'll talk to my dr about trying some new meds, it probably wouldn't hurt. I've just gotten so tired of trying new medications that don't seem to help at all. It's so frustrating because you have to take them for weeks before seeing improvement and it's always felt like such a waste of time when they don't end up working. Since I'm in the hospital anyway I guess now is the best time to try some new medications, it's not like I have anything better to waste my time with. I'm already feeing better just knowing someone is listening. Everytime I try to talk to my friends they get upset and mad at me for even thinking about suicide and I feel like they don't understand how crippling it can be, thank you again.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    @Mmt I was kicked out of DBT earlier this year because I was physically ill and missed 4 sessions, it did help a small bit regarding skills but in my opinion you have to be confident to do it too as its usually in a group setting and the tutors want feedback back in front of everyone. I found it hard if im honest but it could totally help you.

    CBT helped me much more, I had an embarrassing personal issue and he completely wiped it out. I feel ''free'' after it.

    Do both, see how you get on. I would definitely recommend trying absolutely everything in order to get some stability back into your life. People tell white lies all the time, there's no harm in white lies but if big lies then I guess that's a different story but remember this is not ''you'' causing this. It is your unfortunate illness.

    Definitely. It is frustrating that they can take 6-8 weeks for full effect but it is worth it. How old are you may I ask? Keep taking the doctors advice and medications until you find the right ones for you. I hope it doesn't take it's toll on you. Have you made any friends in the psych ward? Does it help talking to others in there?

    I will always be here to guide you and listen to you. I am 27 and have been borderline for most of my life. I understand even if your friends don't. Try and not be so hard on yourself. Remember this illness is not your fault and does not have to define who you are and will be in the future.
     
  7. Mmt

    Mmt New Member

    I'm about to turn 19. I wish I was in a psych ward, I'm staying in a skilled nursing facility (old folks home) which doesn't help the depression at all. Seeing all of these sad mothers and fathers that never have visitors breaks my heart. I've been confused for their their daughters and that makes it so much sadder. Of course I play a long because it's nice to see them happy, but it takes its toll on me.
    I've been trying to find a dr that does one on one dbt because I couldn't handle I group like that, I haven't had much luck finding anyone yet though.
    I'll definitely talk to my doc in here about some new meds. I've got plenty of time left to try a new one.
    I really really do appreciate your time and help. My mom is coming to visit but I'll probably be online again later or tomorrow. Thank you again. You're a very kind person, it's usually hard to find people like you. Take care.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Most welcome honey. Remember you are just as beautiful and smart and intelligent as those other people. I am glad you are willing to talk to your doctor about making some changes, that is progress made already and you can do this. Just stay dedicated and motivated and giving it your all and you will see the grass is greener on the other side!! Good luck finding a doctor that does one on one DBT, that could be a life saver, maybe bring it up with the psych doctor. (hugs) make sure you check back in with is, you're an interesting person (more hugs)