Would it be so wrong?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by FrainBart, Mar 15, 2013.

  1. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Would it be so wrong of me, to turn my back on my family? On a mother who doesnt take the time to pick up the phone and give me a call. On a father who can't even contact me about family matters, eg. gran being ill, going around there. He always contacts my ex to arrange these things... not in a phone call or a text, but on facebook.

    Would it be so wrong for me to turn my back on a family who have rarely shown me any support? Would it be so wrong to tell them how small and insignificant that they have made me feel for a long time. When they can't even contact me, when they can't even offer me a bit of help.

    Why do I try keeping up a family connection, when they don't care, they postpone things with me for my sister, and her two children. I feel like I dont exist to them, and inside it hurts, because I want them there, I want their support... but they have nothing to give me.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I have turned my back and cut my family off. Decades ago first with my parents. Then my two sisters. It saved me a lot of grief but it does leave me very alone. For convenience I usually airbrush my sisters out of existence. I try to be as honest as I can on here. I did the right thing for me but it is also very hard. I no longer get the regular hurts of being treated as second best. Of being expected to accept that. Of being the financial milch cow. I used to accept it all as I was so desperate for affection. I knew then that what I received in terms of attention was conditional on me not upsetting the apple cart and always opening my cheque book. Then a sister was outrageous in sidelining me even by our usual standards and I rebelled. She responded in fury as if it was my not her conduct that was too much. And that more or less was that. Must repeat it does leave me very alone. It spares me regular rejections and treatment as a second class citizen.
  3. DepletedOne

    DepletedOne Member

    I pulled away from all the disfunction in my family years ago.

    Somewhere in our hearts, we're made to know that family should be close, supportive and loving. This is why it hurts so much when reality is different – when we know the opposite should be happening.

    Life changes and will get better. We all seek compassion for ourselves, but giving it to our own families seems impossible sometimes. Later in life, I learned that family members had problems that exceeded their own ability to operate 'normally'. That realization changed how I 'saw' them. We are not close currently but we are civil.

    To this day, I'm saddened that pulling away was my only course of action to avoid dying spiritually or worse. In the years since, I've found that my family really had no control over the way they acted. Stuff came out of the woodwork later that revealed hurts and damage to them individually that I had no way of knowing when I was younger. Those things totally compromised their own lives.

    So, the distance has been good for me, albeit sad. My live has moved on. I think we are all shocked when we realize that our family is really just mere mortals.
  4. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    For a long time I put it down to sibling rivalry, that they prefered my sister over me, telling myself I was being silly. But it just carries on, cancelling things with me for my sister, inviting me out somewhere, and then taking mysister. And all I want is just a place in the family, and I just feel like I really am a reject.

    I ust wish I knew what I did wrong..
  5. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You haven't done anything wrong. All parents deny it but all have favourites. What you experience as rejection of you is about your parents not you. It could relate to the relationship with one of their own parents or the state of their marriage before your birth. It affects you but it is not about you. You may one day get an inkling as to why. That may help you cope. You can't change your parents. You can't make them react in the way you wish they would. You can change how you cope with all of that.
  6. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I feel the exact same way, I cut ties with my dad, his wife and her daughter. They don't care, why should I? You didn't do anything wrong though, it's them who are messed up. You deserve better than to be ignored, put down etc...sometimes cutting ties is the best thing to do because that way, it stops them from hurting you etc...
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    As it was said, you did nothing wrong...each of us wants a family, but also, as others have done, I had to divorce my brother, a person I loved deeply, and his family, his children who were my heart, because of how he had abused me...I could no longer allow him access to me or my life...I did not trust that he would treat me well...I know I was enraged because I clearly saved his life, taking all of the abuse and neglect, and making it clear to my parents that if they so much as touched a hair on his head, they should sleep with their eyes open because I would fix things (I was eleven) with a XXX (did not want to be moderated) in my hand...I always advise to first try to repair situations and if people have no regard for you, then do what you have to...you might chose to not have contact with them instead of being explicit, depending upon what you need
  8. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Thank you all for the replies.

    Inside I know I've not done wrong, but I am made to feel like I have. I cut ties once when I was 17, things had gone really bad and my mother was not there for me, (well that is how it felt) depression and things of the kind were a blocked subject (for me anyway). My sister would apparently sh (to which at one point she literally told me she did it because she was bored and it freaked people out. My mum flipped over it, got my sister to a doctor, and got her help. I would come down with bruises all over me, a nice gift from my sister, and she would not even question.

    When I hid more she ignored it, and at a point where I had suicidal thoughts, locked in a toilet cubicle, having to be dragged out (all because I stood up to someone bullying me and got in trouble for it) I got counselling... and what happened with that, I had two sessions, in which she was there and I just couldnt talk, not with her there, and the third session I was told not to come, it was just my mum who had to go, and that the sessions had been given to her instead.

    17 I moved out, cut ties with them. I moved back after an attempt at 19/20 or somewhere around then, after moving out later that year, they cut ties with me, somewhat angry with me. My mum at first didn't even want to talk to me when I told her I was pregnant. My sister who I had fought so much with windled her way into my life, I thought she had changed, was wrong, she started manipulating things, and told me that my mum wanted nothing to do with me. at nans funeral, not one word was said to me, I was about to sit at the back alone, when a cousin dragged me to where they were sat. A cousin, out of the whole family, someone I had not spoken to since I was young... 7 or 8 perhaps, was the only one talking to me there. and it hurt.
    20 weeks pregnant she didnt want to know, 30 weeks pregnant she finally changed and decided she did want to know. after falling out with my sister.

    now my daughter is 2 1/2 and thats all she sees me for. Whenever I called her it would always be about her. on the rarity that she asked me how I was, I would tell her fine, she knew it stood for something but couldnt remember, I sent her a text telling her what it meant, and she said it was funny, and had her laughing all day.

    schadenfreude... no. I guess I really am just a joke to her.