Would you call this abuse?

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by Downpour, Mar 9, 2014.

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  1. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    My therapists think I'm being abused by my husband. They've kind of been freaking out about it recently. I don't think I would call it abuse. It doesn't happen very often. When it does happen, it's usually just a slap or two. Maybe he'll push me. A couple times when it got bad, I was pushed violently to the ground, kicked, and he also grabbed my hair and yanked my head back. The only injury I've had was my jaw getting knocked slightly out of place a few times. ...Ok, this sounds bad. But the thing is, it doesn't happen often. It's rare. And I think I cause it. When we fight, I push it until he snaps and hits me. It can't be abuse if I cause it and deserve it, right? And now I'm worried that this label of "abuse" or "domestic violence" will give my husband a bad name.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NO ONE NO ONE has a right to put their hands on someone else to cause harm It does not matter who fault the fight is each of you have a chose to walk away walk away until you can calm down It is abuse simply as that it is abuse One time is too many
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    He should have the label and bad name as a domestic abuser- I hope you learn to use that label and think of him like that as well.
  4. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    depends do you take a swing at him first, if not then yes he is an abuser.
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Keeping it simple - it's abuse for someone to do something to others that is not nice. This is an example of physical abuse which, however rare, shouldn't be tolerated.

    I'd be more concerned that you're worried about it causing him a bad name than acceping that he's being abusive. To coin a phrase - Love is blind - so is it because you love him that you're denying the truth? The truth has a way of coming out. And that's where I think your therapists are understandably worried.

    Try to be more considerate of yourself. You don't deserve any physical abuse, even if it was to be "provoked" - your husband should learn to control his temperament and "walk away".
  6. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    I agree with fighting the tide
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    It sounds like abuse to me. Love doesn't "hurt". It doesn't matter how the fight started, but it does matter that he has struck you with hands/boots. Adults are supposed to be able to control their emotions and walk away if they feel they'll lose control.

    It also sounds like abuse because it's usually not a fairly matched fight any times that a man hits a woman. Men tend to be bigger and stronger than women...based on height and muscle mass...a woman is usually at greater risk of being hurt by a man than a man being hurt by a woman in a physical fight.

    Your therapists are freaking out because they are worried about you. Statistically, abuse only escalates over time, and the abused person is at greater and greater risk.

    Are there kids involved in the relationship? They need to be safe too. Even hearing and witnessing these fights affects them. Do you have a safety plan for when your husband gets like that?

    A safety plan is having things ready if the victim needs to get away from the abuser. Even to another room with a door that locks. The kids also need to know where to go and what to do in the house if he is violent.

    Here are a few basics for a safety plan...the abuser should NOT know these are being done:

    • a safe room in the house/apartment with a locked door
    • a charged cell phone with the police on speed dial
    • a friend or shelter that can take the victim and any kids in if he starts getting violent
    • a packed suitcase - clothes, a toy for each of the kids, copies of everyone's passports, driver's licence, birth certificates, social security card, bank cards, credit card, and cash, car keys, contact list for doctor, dentist, family and friends, police, lawyer, schools

    For now, how about if you find the number of a local or national domestic violence hotline and call them and describe the situation to them. I expect they will tell you what I have said, and likely have even more information for you. I am concerned for you. Please do all you can to be safe. Unless and until this man chooses to hold his temper and manage his own feelings, I am afraid for you. There is something that domestic abuse workers call "the cycle of abuse/violence." It goes like this: Things are fairly normal. Tension builds. Little things set him off. He might even blame the victim for setting him off. He gets abusive and/or violent verbally and/or physically. After he lashes out, he apologizes profusely and says how much he cares and that it will never happen again. There is a "honeymoon period" of calm, but then tension builds in the relationship again, and little fights start, and the victim feels like she's walking on eggshells to keep him calm/happy. Then he explodes again. After the explosion, he gets all apologetic and sweet again. And around it goes. As the cycle is repeated again and again, the violence and abuse tend to become more severe.

    Please, be careful. Please talk to your therapists and call a hotline to get some specific support for this. And remember we are always here to listen, too. Please don't become a statistic.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Agreed its abuse. No excuses.

    Would you allow a stranger to randomly hit you like your husband did when you're shopping and excuse it because its rare and doesn't happen often?

    Would your husband react to that stranger badly if he saw the stranger doing the same to you? It's still abuse, regardless of how much you love him, sometimes love knows no boundaries.
  9. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    sounds like you need to sit down and talk
    preferably have him tied down.

    wow, that sounded a bit radical. but if you love him and so on, it needs discussing why he feels it's ok to abuse you and if there's other issues he's not sharing and also for you to have answers and closure
    so maybe not the tying down, maybe just with some professional intervention and then you can deal
    don't worry about his name
  10. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all the responses. It certainly gives me a lot to think about. I can relate to the "cycle of abuse", but I'm almost always the one who has to apologize in order for things to go back to normal. Whatever my transgressions were, they're always worse than his apparently. I don't think I've ever hit first, but I have hit back (on his arm) because I got so mad when he hit me. I'm weak though, physically weak I mean. The safety plan is interesting and something I've never heard of before. But if I ever left like that, he would track me down and God help me when he finds me.

    I do love him. I don't think he should hit me, but I still feel like it's all my fault. I'm too selfish or too thoughtless or too crazy. I don't know.
  11. I'm really happy you posted this. I am in the exact situation. This even sounds like I may have wrote it myself. I was going to post to ask the same question, but I think I've gotten my answer. Thank you.
  12. RainThunder

    RainThunder Member

    I feel really upset reading this. Of course when you are being abused, you don't know its abuse.
    If you thought of it as abuse, it can't really happen. It would be a simple case of kidnapping or violence.

    what happens is this,
    You are with someone one, and now you are feeling good.
    Its always supposedly the person is the one making you feel good.
    Then always, you are messing things up, as usual, which is why you thought you didn't feel good in the first place. (you think!)
    So you really want to get this right this time!!
    So now you get abused!

    What you need to know, is you can't be "good" enough to not be abused. Period.
    You just can't "earn" the right to not be hit. And thats the entire Trick!
    You can never be good enough to earn not being hit! It doesn't work that way.

    There is something in you, that makes you feel like you "need" something from this person,
    then, because of the way this person already IS, they end up hitting you.

    The thing is, what you need is also something you really can't earn either.
    If someone loves you, it feels like a blessing to them that they can feel that way about you.
    You don't have to be "good" therefore you can't be bad either.

    You just are, and thats why they love you. In reality people are a mixed bag and not perfect. Good and bad.

    Hitting has nothing to do with it really. Hitting is him saying, You made me do it, its not me its you.
    and likewise, accepting hitting is like you saying,
    Yes, I did something wrong.

    Thats not special to you guys.
    Thats the way it works.

    I'm sure you have seen people extremely badly behaved, who are adored.
    Hitting has nothing to do with anything, and its not a result of your behavior.

    Its because in his mind, he thinks he has the right to do so.
    Thats it. And that's too far and only gets worse.

    It gets worse because the premise is garbage in the first place.
    Take a garbage premise, think its really going to "work", and then as it doesn't work of course you escalate it.
    So as you get more beat up, you think, well this time I really shouldn't have done this or that.
    Noooo.... You couldn't have done it, its his choice, his thing, his pleasure, his relief, he likes to feel better that way, it works for him.

    It wasn't right or okay the first time. Not even a little.
    At best, its like a toddler having a tantrum against your body.
    Toddlers don't throw tantrums because Mommy deserved it.
    They do it to get their way, and its not acceptable for an adult to handle adult issues that way.
    Its not fair, its not productive, and its dangerous.

    If the guy actually has a soul, he should feel very very ashamed and take responsibility for his behavior and never do that again.
    If he doesn't have a soul, there is no limit to what he will push you to do, and no limit to how violent he will become, and he will never ever take responsibility.

    I'm very sorry, I don't know if this belongs in the soap box area or something.
    Hitting is nothing sensible.

    I watched a great youtube video about this. what happens is we start identifying with the abuser, because its like a safety mechanism. you feel like you need this person, and you are keenly tuned into their needs, so now you even end up making excuses for them. Because you've let go of your needs for a bit, to tend to this person whom you love so much and need, and because you do this, you stop protecting yourself, and do everything to protect your beloved. Which can be tender if the other person at least says, no, care for yourself, I care for you too. Then, even if you've never been loved, you learn something and then love yourself. Because they showed you how.

    But if your beloved isn't identifying with you and feeling your problems, they are literally using those normal "bad" parts, that everyone has, as an excuse to hit you. And you let them because you already feel bad about those bad parts. Why is hitting even involved? Because there is no respect. And that kind of love is not based on respect, but ownership. But again, if you "own' something you really love, of great value, would you "hit it". No, if it stopped working properly you would bring it to get fixed.

    If you want to give your relationship a chance, you've got give the guy a chance to feel ashamed and change.
    I had a couple of relationships where i was hit. and I still love one guy. I love him because he really seemed to get me. he messed us up because when faced with the parts of me that he didn't like, he didn't do the smart thing and grow as a person. instead he just took it to represent whatever, and hit me.

    Now that I am older, I can finally understand what upset him. But back then, being so horribly abused I didn't even know what a relationship was supposed to look like. All of my errors were made innocently. And we would have been so bonded had he not hit me.

    So really, hitting is adult tantruming. And no adults should throw tantrums on your face.
    And seriously, this is important, because kids do escalate tantrums. And even if they don't its a bad idea to give a child everything they want if they throw a tantrum. This is bad human behavior. Grown ups must use words. You can't "earn" a tantrum.

    If this post offends or is out of line please take it or maybe I could repost it somewhere appropriate.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Just want to point out that this thread is from 2014 and I'm not sure the OP is still even an active user,
  14. MDe

    MDe Member

    You don't hit girls, period. Physical violence is a build up of frustration at not getting what you want or some from of disrespect to your ego.
    In the Male world boys who hit women are just that, boys, they disserve no respect. There at is the difference between boys and Men.
  15. RainThunder

    RainThunder Member

    somehow, double post.//
    glad to know this is from 2014. But I can only imagine how many people may be reading it... still...
  16. MDe

    MDe Member

    I'm new, don't really know whats, what, yet. My roller coaster started when my wife died, I'm having trouble adjusting, the thought of anyone hitting
    some one they supposedly love makes me very angry. As with all things communication of ideas and feelings lie at the root of all disagreements. Well, that and turning my underwear pink.
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