Would you do it if you had a life like mine?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A_pixie, Oct 18, 2008.

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  1. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I've been waking up in the same room for the past seven years and been thinking about the exact same thing.

    Should I kill myself or should I not.

    It started when I was 15, although my dad was in hospital I was still the target of bullying even though I was suicidal enough already.

    I found Luke, a person i fell madly in love with, aged 16, but then he started doing things that worried me, trying to control how much I spoke to others, accusing innocent friends of mine of flirting with me, putting me down in public and treating me like dirt if I disagreed with him...he left me for my friend's 15 year old sister after three years of me being in love with him...I opened up both my veins and said goodbye to him over the phone, went out got drunk and almost raped, he couldn't come around because he had a date with that 15 year old ****.

    It was all too much. I ran away from home and fell in love again. My life was so SHIT that a total user like Drew seemed like a godsend. He was so nice to me and didn't make me feel like crap (that couple, Luke and his bitch bullied me for months and months) that i moved in with him! I left everything behind and moved halfway across London just to stop feeling like I wanted to die.

    Drew suffered from multiple personalities, he got drunk and hit me and changed how he felt about me every week resulting in me being thrown out three times. I gave him half my wages every month as he was "too depressed to work" all i cared about was that I was away from home, and that drew was happy as I loved him.

    After that went wrong I came home and Luke had charmed all of my friends away from me. People feel awkward speaking to me now because of him. I cut myself all the time now and had to go to hospital to get my wrist sewn back up.

    My family expect me to be the family rock because my Mum uses me like a crutch when her manic depression is flaring up, my sister one day just decided to stop speaking to everyone apart from my mother. Eight years later, she still hasn't spoken to me and bullies my Mum physically and mentally into cleaning up everything I touch. I'm nicknamed "scum".

    I don't know why all these things have happened to me. Every person I meet or know just hurts me all the time and I don't do anything wrong to them!

    Maybe this is God's way of trying to tell me to kill myself to teach the bastards that you simply can't treat people like this.

    It hurts the most because I usually see the good in people regardless of it they hurt me.

    I just want it to end I don't want this...
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Pixie,
    You are not alone in this, there are quite a few of us who get hurt everytime we get into a relationship. My last one really tore me up Because she left me right when I was having a nervous breakdown. We had bought a house tohether and were engaged.
    I switched jobs and wound up working third shift so she would wait until I left for work and would go out with a guy she worked with. When I quit my other job I closed out my 401k and got $18,000 and deposited in our joint account.She always handled the money so I didn't know she moved it into another bank account. Then the guy she was hanging with got her hooked on cocaine again. Then she started staying gone for like three days. I packed my shit and moved to my sisters house. I never saw a penny of my money again. There wasn't a damn thing I could do. So I learned I don't let anyone control my money anymore. I also gave up on ever having a relationship again.
    I started isolating in my room all the time.You couldn't get me out of the house except to go to the doctor. I finally started therapy three years ago, and she has me getting out of the house. I still can't go anywhere there are people. If my sister has to then I just sit in the car and wait. Remember all this happened when I was having my breakdown. I didn't start communicating with others until I found the forum and now I have friends here!!! Take Care!~Joseph~
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    The one thing that I felt as I read your post is that you need the help of a counsellor. I've needed mine for the past couple of years. I'd be dead without them. I hope you'll find one who can help you take better care of yourself and not let other people control you or abuse you. You deserve better.

  4. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the responses guys...do you think you can put a lot of life's problems down to bad luck because I keep obsessing over whether I deserve this or not or whether it's my fault.

    I ahve no idea what to do about my family....my sister is not living in the real world. She is 17 years old and doesn't know homeless people exist as she shuts herself in her room all the time.

    The police got called on her going nuts once, she attacked my mother so I happily beat the hell out of her, but they didn't arrest me because I was protecting my Mum, that and she's about 20 stone and 6 foot, I'm 5 foot 2 and 9 stone!

    Sorry I digress I have a habit of doing that :S

    I just don't know what to do to make things better
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    The things that have happened to you are not necessarily your fault. you are a victim of circumstances and poor choices. You did not choose to be treated the way you have been, but they chose to treat you this way. They also chose to be users. I would suggest you get into a counseling program of some type to help you work through your issues. Also, in the future, be more careful of the guys you chhose to be with. You have seen firsthand what certain types can do. Steer clear of them. It sounds as if mentall illness may run in your family. It helps to be aware of this and for your GP or therapist as well. I hope you get things under control A pixie.
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I can understand what you mean. Oftentimes i look at my life and think; how have i got through all the sh*t thats happened to me? It seems like my life is a horror movie sometimes! But i know that, despite the bad things, i have friends on here, and people who will help me and who care and that keeps me going. You have to find something to live for in this life. I'm sure there's something for you too.
    And i also think if you could get a therapist or something that would help too.
    Take care.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi pixie. Sorry to hear that so many awful things have happened to you in your life thus far. It's interesting, but sometimes it seems like nice people or spiritual people like us, have it the hardest. You do your best to see the good in people and they still turn around and treat you like dirt. I guess Christ went through this type of suffering during his life too, so we're expected to as well. You sound like a really good person. I'm sure one day you will meet the right guy, who will treat you well. Also, I normally don't encourage violence, but you had to protect your mom and your sister probably deserved a good thrashing. :hug:
  8. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    The stuff I read here...the horrible stuff everybody has been through yet you still come on here to chose to support people. It gives me some hope...

    Mental illness does run in my family as it goes, my Grand Mother spent a long time in a mental asylum, my Mum has such bad depression and rage it's scary, my Dad has OCD, I'm suspected to have schizophrenia like my Gran and my sister....we don't actually know what's wrong with her! My parents are afraid she'll get sectioned if they ring the doctors, and I believe she would. I want it to happen so badly I just want her to LEAVE.

    She was so terrible to my Mum today it made me cry. My Mum bought her dinner up to her room and because the chicken "didn't look right" she actually said "Get that shit off my plate" and my Mum just took it. I tried to break her fucking door down for that but she's so fat I couldn't get in cause she was leaning on the door. Can you imagine someone saying that to your mother then when you intervene your own Mum yells at YOU rather than HER for it? And my Dad dragging me off accusing me of being the fucking troublemaker??? It's like that **** can do no wrong and I'm the fucking scapegoat!

    I sometimes wonder how they'd cope without their scapegoat. If something happened to me who would they take their stress out on?

    I had some prozac today. I was doing so well coming off them and she's ruined it for me :'(

    Sometimes I wish a great big bomb would blow the world up and it would just be me and the animals left they've never hurt me :'(

    My parents have spoken to me later when it all calmed down, promising they would stop her tormenting me, and them...they've said it before. I don't know how many more broken promises from people I can take I've already had to have my wrist sewn back up I don't know how stable I am :'(
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2008
  9. Tecky

    Tecky Well-Known Member

    A_pixie and stranger1,

    You are definitely not alone! I ALWAYS get hurt whenever I fall in love with a girl! I can understand how you people are feeling. My last relationship ended sadly for me when the girl I was in love with ran away with a week's wages to be with her lover (who was also my friend at that time). I was so devastated that I couldn't work and I lost my job at the factory as a result.

    I thought of killing myself many times, but never went through because there are still so many things I want to do. For example, I want to write the story of my life before I actually go kill myself.

    A_pixie and stranger1, I don't know what I can say to make you feel better because I am trying to cope with my own issues. But I will be here if you want to talk. About anything and everything. I always feel for my kindred spirits who suffer from love.

    It is a good thing we have this forum. Did you know what people in the real world say to me when I tell them I am on medication and that I need to see my therapist? They laughed! They f**king laughed and told me in that condescending way of theirs that I will be better off just doing some meditation! I need people to talk to! And the therapist is the only I can talk to now! Meditation has its merits BUT it won't get me someone to talk to! Nor will it give me the advice I need sometimes to stop myself f**king up.

    Meditation... hah!

    ahem... sorry for the little rant but I just needed to you know? Maybe I ought to start a little thread about condescending people who are mean to us. AND send it to the papers to be published so those cold-hearted jerks will be shamed.

  10. Danny Crooks

    Danny Crooks Well-Known Member

    hey Pixie,

    Dont feel to ohard on yourself, you are clearly a good person trying to see the best in everyone - none of this is your fault, and i rreally hope you can find the strength to love again.

    if you ever ned a chat, just drop me a PM.


    p.S, good to see another Londoner on here :)
  11. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I'm here for you now!
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey A_Pixie,
    How are you feeling today? I hope your stress has lifted some. well I just wanted to ask if you were o.k. so I am off,Talk to you later!~Joseph~
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