Would you rather have the shallow attention of millions, or the deep intimacy of one?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Asdlax, Jun 15, 2016.

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  1. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    A clear goal in mind yet aimlessly wandering, Maybe what I'm looking for isn't here on earth. Need to stop having nightmares of people that are no longer in my life. Rambling to myself.

    I didn't think I would ever start another thread considering how it went with my previous storytime here. Better keep my expectations low in this one.

    I guess I'm not really desperately screaming for help like most of the users here. "Suicidal, help me, I want to die". It's not that I never feel that way, I just don't see the point in telling anons that. Because I know there isn't an answer and I don't expect anybody to give me magic fixes. Wanting to disappear but I know suicide isn't the answer, it won't happen outside severe impulsions. I've come to realise that the things that matter aren't attainable at request. I crave closure, even in the form of talking to somebody about anything we have in common or different experiences. In short, mutual attraction. I suppose that's one way to distract myself from loneliness.

    Frankly, I don't really enjoy farming sympathy. There's another reason why I don't speak of my problems as a call for help, but an introduction of myself so others can learn some about me. Sometimes I want to hear people say something new like, "Hello let's get to know each other". Many times I wanted to get closer to several people but that may just be creepy and over-friendly perhaps, usually onesided. I don't really understand how a lot of members here are feeding off words of consolation coming from strangers who repeat the same thing to everybody. "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better. Stay strong, keep talking to us."

    As someone who means every word he says, I just hope everyone here do too. Even so.. what changes? What about you? Do you feel better from hearing those overused lines?

    I can't be the only that's NOT interested in small talk, common coutesies, and the likes. While I most absolutely appreciate the people here that give a little bit of their time to comment with the intention to support, I sometimes wonder if it actually helps (afterall I am also one of those people that tried). Me personally, it doesn't really go beyond brief relief. "Take care but we wont ever talk again until you post a new thread". That seems so wrong no matter how I look at it. Are you sure this isn't just training victims of depression the art of attention seeking or shallow attention dependency? I personally find it more effective if everybody focus on a single person and build a meaningful true friendship instead of casually leeching sympathies from strangers. "Go deep", I say. "Quality over quantity", I say. And yet how many of us have cared to dive a step deeper with all the Welcome-PM invitations given away? Was it really enough?

    Don't think so. I don't believe people came here only to hear the generic empathetic sentences from a stranger, or a quick "hi and bye", however both the guest and pursuer stopped there. Why? You can build real solid friendships even on the internet. Why only scrape the surface?

    Let's be realistic, professionals aside, nobody can solve anybody's problem. Only you can save yourself. The best you can get out of this forum is a longlife friend that understands. Which is why I find it funny everyone stops at having/being understanding strangers. Why only take? And why only give? When you can be involved in that beautiful exchange with someone special?*

    And I don't know how to initiate a friendship on SF because it almost seems like very little people are actually interested. Everyone speaks about the pain of having nobody, but how often do you see them try connecting with other people?

    Allow me to repeat the question,
    Would you rather have the shallow attention of millions, or the deep intimacy of one? Have you been making efforts? Are you working towards what you want? Are you here to farm quick gratification and the attention of strangers or are you here for a greater purpose?

    Here's a picture of cat taking a selfie to show my gratitude for reading until the end (because everybody loves cats and I have five dogs):


    Aether, Thauoy and betteroffunknown like this.
  2. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you should try to change your approach? Initiate conversations by asking members for their opinion on something, or send links to stimulating content. Those who provide a well thought out response are more likely to be worth your time.
  3. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    Actually that's what I am doing at the moment. A thought provoking thread, with some encouragement slipped here and there. If I don't find anyone at least I might make a difference to the system.
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I agree with Flaxney. Take initiative and PM people that you wish to get to know. I am glad that you know suicide is not the answer.

    You can post questions in the uncertainty forum to get people's input.
  5. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    actually i stopped posting here months ago because i don't think posting here changes much about my life.. if anything it makes things worse for me.. i make my friends worry about me when they read about my problems here.. i only started to feel better when i found friends that genuinely cares.. found them here though.. and we continued chatting off the site.. i only went back here because i don't have anyone to talk to about my problems.. because my friends are going through something.. and i'm trying to be strong for them.. i need to be there for them.. and it's not a good idea to burden them with my problems.. seeing as they're dealing with things in their life..

    and sometimes you need someone to cruelly make you realize that you're doing things wrong.. and i think everybody here is just too polite and nice to say things that can shock you to change..
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    The quick answer to that is that I would prefer deep intimacy, but that can be hard to find. I can count on one hand the number of people I am truly close to. I like this site and am comforted to know there will always be someone to reach out to when I need it. I am shy and don't often PM people first. I always welcome messages and respond to them. Sometimes I become close to people, but that doesn't always happen. It doesn't discourage me from trying though.

    I looked at your profile, and noticed you are an INFJ as well. I read that only about 1% of people have that personality, so we are a bit of a rarity. It is nice to meet other INFJ's because I feel like they will better know where I am coming from. I noticed the number 1w2, and realized it referred to an enneagram type. I think I have take that before and was told that I am a peacemaker. I do tend to break up conflict and try to make sure that things are harmonious. Sorry for blabbering on a bit, I just thought it was interesting to read your profile and see the things we have in common.

    With that being said, I am sorry that you seem to feel a bit left out. I think that people usually respond to posts but don't message someone unless the person says they are accepting messages. There are lots of ways to get to know people here, one place being the Gameroom, which is usually lighthearted, or you can start a discussion in the Soap Box forum if you want to discuss more serious topics. You can PM me if you would like to. I may be a bit of a weirdo, but I'd like to think I am fun :p
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  7. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    Well said :) I agree, most people that come here dont know what they want, theyre so lost and in a dark place just reaching out for anything hoping something happens, hoping someone saves them. Few people try to save themselves after theyre lost. Personally i came here after many many years of struggling on my own and was looking for a fresh perspective to help ignite my own thoughts and figure things out myself. :) Also to see how others who are similar to me deal with things and where their problems stem from. I would prefer one deep connection over the entire worlds worth of shallow attention. Id happily be ignored by the whole world as long as i had one real deep connection. :)
    Thauoy likes this.
  8. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    I'm no stranger to being perceived as over friendly and ended up getting ignored - which by the way, I should be expecting if my PM came uninvited. I don't have all the sparkysparky easygoing life myself, and being ignored does hurt a ton for someone like me. Usually I just let them know that I welcome pm at the end of my relatively long posts. I want to help, get closer, but at the same time, also respect their space. Even more, with how crushing being ignored can be. Based on my experience, if the person doesn't show much initial interest it is usually less likely we will last whatever approach and how much effort I make. But I could give it a shot; though needless said, I'll probably do it anyway if I reaaaally want to get to know the person.
  9. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    Ah I see. Guess I'm with you on that. I found the site when I was in a bad depressive state. In short, most of my time on here are spent on trying to help people. And oh did it pump me up! But just as the drastic incline of mood, after a couple days here I experienced a quick decline for some reason. Maybe I was emotionally exhausted for getting too worked up. Or reading sad stuff on a daily basis is too much for me. Afterall I'm that person who avoids watching and reading news because it stresses me up and makes me beyond sad. Well, well, I'm happy for you to have found friends you can take offsite!

    Mm, after being around here for a while, I could say that it does seem to be the case.
  10. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    That's right. Honestly didn't expect to find another INFJ so soon. I really just embrace it so much. I think the part of INFJ that describes me the most is that I'm a strong justice warrior (lol), needing time alone to recharge social battery, intensity and, empathy. Infj does describe 99% accurately for me. However there are still things that set me apart from your stereotypical infjs.

    A type nine eh? Type 1w2 is a Reformer with Helper as its wing. (https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-1/). I am fond and familiar with MBTI and Enneagram as they were once a field of my interest- still are. So worry not! I've read way more than enough to know what a Type nine is. What's your wing by the way?

    Yup exactly. Which I have. We'll see about that!
    Witty_Sarcasm likes this.
  11. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    While I most absolutely appreciate the people here that give a little bit of their time to comment with the intention to support, I sometimes wonder if it actually helps (after all I am also one of those people that tried). Me personally, it doesn't really go beyond brief relief. "Take care but we wont ever talk again until you post a new thread". That seems so wrong no matter how I look at it.

    Don't think so. I don't believe people came here only to hear the generic empathetic sentences from a stranger, or a quick "hi and bye", however both the guest and pursuer stopped there.


    I totally agree with what you have said on this forum. But what to do ? I really tried very hard to make friends but nobody seems to like me. I am a socially rejected person. I really want to have deep intimacy with someone. But I don't get one and so I am lonely. That is why I am depressed and suicidal. So, I joined SF thinking that I may get some kind of comfort or relief from my suicidal tendencies.

    If a person can solve all the problems of their life, then no one will have any problems in life . So, some problems of life cannot be solve by the person themselves.
    That's why they are suffering and wanted to quit this life.

  12. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Yes, and it's so rare, that I always like it when I find someone else like me, lol. I also need time to recharge and tend to feel emotions too deeply. I tend to absorb others' emotions also, if that even makes any sense.

    I'm not exactly sure what my wing is, but it's something I'll have to read up on. All I know is that these tests can be pretty accurate most of the time.
  13. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

  14. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    I didnt even know of the term INFJ but identify with it completely! haha
    Witty_Sarcasm likes this.
  15. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    Lol I really take my time with replying that sir Different here has found his way to sabotage my set of responses. (It's okay Different, don't feel bad about it, I find it amusing. I'll get to you soon).

    Aye, that's what I noticed and I hope this will give the extra push our members need to actually start walking towards whatever it is that they want. Me likewise :D!
    Thauoy likes this.
  16. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    One of the best thread posted on SF.
  17. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    I'm glad you like it!! Harsh as it is, all we can do is keep trying, with a different approcach each time. See what works and what doesn't. But most importantly, just be yourself! I'm sure you'll find somebody that sits well with you. Heck, you and I, we can give it a shot!
    Thauoy likes this.
  18. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    Wooh, try taking the test perhaps? MBTI type can also help with career paths.

    That feeling when you thought the whole world doesn't understand and you find yourself written on a site so thoroughly...
  19. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2 agnostic

    Happy to hear you see its value
    Thauoy likes this.
  20. blacknblue

    blacknblue Well-Known Member

    I have found the best friend I have ever had on this site - a meaningful, true deep friendship
    Not platitudes, not passing support but true lasting friendship.
    I do however still post when I am low as it helps to just put these feelings into words - take them from abstract into concrete. Consider their reality.
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