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Would you read my story?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MiloSx7, Aug 5, 2013.

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  1. MiloSx7

    MiloSx7 New Member

    Hello forum! I am here for a while and I am amazed of how people are good and try to help. I thought everyone is mean and cruel in this world.

    So my life isn't much special. Ever since my dad bought me computer when i was 5 (11 years ago) I couldn't stop playing Video Games. I found myself skillful in every game, beating my mom, dad and all my friends. So the first game i started playing was CS. I was really good at it, much things didn't worry me much (since i was 5), my mom gave a birth to my sister, and I was really happy. I spent most of my time playing with her and taking care of her, and as she grew up, I returned to games.

    My dad wasn't really glad to see me playing video games all day since I had to start school soon. He was punishing me for every mark that was below A. YES HE DID, and it was a cruel punishment. I remember he was beating me so hard, and locking me up in my room for a month. Without friends, without PC, TV, even my sister wasn't allowed to see me. Sometimes he wouldn't allow me to eat, take a bath, he said that i could use that time to study, and fix my marks. It was really bad, since i had to study all the time. So as i grew up a little, I think i was 9 or 10, i started hiding my bad marks, which wasn't going well. Sooner or later they would find it out, and punish me even harder, I remember my dad once punishing me for 3 months for hiding my marks. He thought that that will teach me a lesson not to lie to him anymore, but only made it worse. I even remember him yelling at me for having A- because of some mistakes. He wanted everything perfect. So as i finished 4th grade with all A marks, he bought me a mobile phone. I was so happy, i couldn't stop playing with it.

    As i moved to 5th grade, my marks gone worse, because I started playing this game World of Warcraft. It was so addictive, I was playing it 24/7, and since my marks were bad, i was punished, A LOT. So from 5th to 8th grade, i was mostly in my house locked, but i found a way to get my PC running when my parents are away and play WoW. My sister never told them, she was trying to hide that from them the best she could. I was never happier to see my parents going away from house, and so frustrated when they came back. My dad wouldn't talk to me for the duration of the punishment, my mom was always like him, she even invented her own punishment.

    So i spent most of my time locked up in my room crying, but i didn't wanted to die, maybe i was too young, I don't know. So i finished 8th grade, and time to sign in for High School has came. I really like computers, I am interested in programming, i also watched a lot of youtube tutorials about C++ and i made my first snake game ^^.
    When i wanted so sign for this school where you learn a lot about programming languages and computers, my dad was like: Are you crazy? You want to spend the rest of your life in front of computer playing video games? (Yes he thinks I'm only playing video games) You are crazy if you think you can live off the video games!

    Did i mention that my dad likes cars. He even has his own business, he drives people Across Serbia, and europe, and we live of that. So he wants me to follow his steps, but that's not what i want to do for living!

    So recently i started playing League of Legends, i found myself learning fast, becoming better every day and beating almost everyone. So i told my dad: "Hey dad look at this game, It's so fun and I can earn money of it if i find a team of good players, we can go competitive and earn money of that :)" I was hoping he would approve, all he said is: "You're and idiot. You think you can live of video games? Look at this "pro players" of yours. All ugly, without any social activities, only play stupid LoL! You want to turn into them? You want to stay in your house forever playing stupid game?" etc.

    I was so frustrated, i never had real friends, only those that live near me, and only make use of me. When they need money, when they need a house to make a party (since i live alone upstairs), when they need my dad to drive us somewhere, they call me. Otherwise. they even don't want to say Hi when they see me on the street.
    I already started thinking about suicide, since every dream i had is crushed by my dad.

    I never had a girlfriend. I tried hard, but no matter what i did, how much hard i lied or was different so i can get to her, i got rejected. So recently i found this girl i really, really like. She is so beautiful to me! I was afraid to add her on FB because i was afraid she would reject me. But i did it. And i was like: "Hello, would you like to play LoL with me?", she was "OK". I was never happier. First time in my life, girl didn't rejected me. We had so much in common. She listens to Bring Me The Horizon, plays League of Legends 24/7, so we spent all day speaking on Skype, telling each other secrets, speaking about our lives, It was the best time in my life. First time i thought i have purpose on living. So one day, she told me on FB: "Hey Milos, do you like me, like a friend, or something more", and i was struggling, but i finally said: "Well, i didn't added you so only we can play League. I really like you" etc. And my heart was beating so hard, until she said "Oh that's so cute. 2 Bad I'm not to tall, I would need a chair!". I was. gagpniwangagigagw. Feeling like I'm going to explode. But i felt something's wrong, so i told her: "Look maybe i never had a GF, but I'm not that stupid to realize you are trying to make fool of me". She told me she isn't, she told me that we have everything in common that we are made to be together.
    So we arranged a date, we got out, and we took a long walk around the city, and in the end, when i asked her about our little facebook chat (2500 messages xD), she told me that she loves me, but there is this girl, she loves too, and would like to be with her. I was disappointed. I knew, i knew all along that it will end like this. I felt empty, numb, like i was going to loose my consciousness. So she gave me a hug, and we went our homes. I couldn't stop thinking about messages she sent me, things she told me, just fell apart. And the worst part is, she isn't coming online anymore. Even when she does, she doesn't call me like she used to. And when I try to start the conversation, she Is like "Not now" or "What is it?"... I don't know whats going on. Probably she wanted to make a fool of me after all.

    I stopped playing LoL since i can't focus on the game anymore, I can't stop thinking of her. Although she recently told me she lied to me about this girl she loved, I'm afraid to ask If she would give me another chance, since i feel she doesn't really love me.
    I didn't even wanted to note about bullying in my new high school. It just makes things worse.

    I found a <Mod edit: Method> my dad was hiding in my house, and i just want to end all this, but I'm afraid to <Mod edit: Method>

    I'm glad you spent your precious time reading my story. I hope it touched you, and i hope you won't be like every other i told (Just kill yourself, they said).
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 5, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    We wont say that to you here I am sorry this girl broke your heart I do hope that you continue to reach out ok to talk to people you will find a new person that won't harm you in the end. I don't think she wanted to make a fool of you hun she was just confused over her own sexuality and what she wanted You keep talking to us ok we all support each other here
  3. MiloSx7

    MiloSx7 New Member

    Thank you for your replay.
    Yeah she didn't totally stopped talking to me, we hear each other through Skype, but not as much as we used before. And I'm afraid to ask her again.

    But i hope that time is really a healer, and i hope she gives me another chance one day, since I'm really, really in love :3
  4. crying_wolf

    crying_wolf Active Member

    Well at least you dated a girl, i haven't even done that. I have tried LoL and to be honest i don't like it but all i do is play games all day, not a bright future i suppose for me, i am so socially messed up that i don't even dare to go out and find jobs or anything. We got some things in common i suppose, people also use me all the time, they borrow money, games even a laptop which they never returned, i am always there for people but no one is there for me. Such is life i suppose, anyway i like life, i like games, movies and all but i just wish was another person, with a job and just get everything on my own, live normally. About women, don't even worry there are many out there, not worth to be down for a woman.
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