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i have never been this suicidal in my life...

and i've been suicidal. but it's usually just an empty, despairing feeling.

for some reason, though, it's now a burning, aching, manic desire to rid of myself.

and i don't like how i feel like i'm not in control of it. i'm usually a very rational person. i can be a bit errantly impulsive, when things call for it, but not irrational. hardly *ever* irrational.

i don't want to be here and i don't think i can be here much longer. i can't take it anymore and i'm sick of blindly trying to convince myself that i can. i'm not as strong as i thought i was and it's as simple as that.

i won't be in everyone's way much longer.

it's a morbid irony, really, how you think you're getting better and then BAM! things turn to shit once again, and it's no one's fault but your own.


Staff Alumni
Hi there,

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so shit again.. sounds like this time is different for you somehow though.. I do hope that things improve for you. Does anyone "in real life" know about how you're feeling? Are you on medication or seeing a therapist? Maybe these would help you right now?

I think depression is often like a rollercoaster ride. We do naturally go up and down in our moods and recovery.. please don't harm yourself because of this dip. Reach out for help, please. Why do you think this is your fault? It sounds very much like you are suffering from depression.. this is not your fault.

We're here if you want to talk some more.. but in the meantime please take good care of yourself
Jenny x
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