i have never been this suicidal in my life... and i've been suicidal. but it's usually just an empty, despairing feeling. for some reason, though, it's now a burning, aching, manic desire to rid of myself. and i don't like how i feel like i'm not in control of it. i'm usually a very rational person. i can be a bit errantly impulsive, when things call for it, but not irrational. hardly *ever* irrational. i don't want to be here and i don't think i can be here much longer. i can't take it anymore and i'm sick of blindly trying to convince myself that i can. i'm not as strong as i thought i was and it's as simple as that. i won't be in everyone's way much longer. it's a morbid irony, really, how you think you're getting better and then BAM! things turn to shit once again, and it's no one's fault but your own.