wracked by guilt

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by abe6, May 30, 2011.

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  1. abe6

    abe6 Member

    by what effect this is going to have on everyone around me. i'm crying about what will happen to my parents. this has been a nightmare to think about but i really have no choice but to go through with it at this point. i want to leave notes to everyone but i think that would be worse as then everyone would know it was suicide and i'm going to make it look accidental. god this sucks but i know i have no choice, i hope one day everyone forgives me. i'd give anything to have no one close to me so i could just go without remorse
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    getting treatment sounds like it would be the better option. your family is going to feel miserable whether it looks like suicide or not.

    so if you can get better, your family will be better off, and so will you.

    maybe you could describe why you are suicidal in the first place and any treatments you have tried
     
  3. abe6

    abe6 Member

    its a life problem that can't be solved through treatment. the problem can be dealt with and life can go on but the extreme stress and anxiety that will come from eventually dealing with the problem is why i'm suicidal and I guess that could be treated but i really really doubt it, i've never even come close to a state of mind that could deal with it and i've tried many many drugs. i'm not "clinically" depressed so i can't see how those kind of meds will help.

    i'm too paranoid to go into detail but suffice it to say alot of my friends and the network of people around me will never think of me the same again. i've fallen from very high to as low as possible. it is technically possible to go on living(my family and close friends will be supportive)but its impossible to face the stress and anxiety that will come with the solution. i don't want to die, but its by far the better of 2 bad choices

    i think i am different from many here in that my problem is not inward but outward

    i appreciate the thoughts, thank you

    also, i have never talked with anyone about this, no one in my life would think im suicidal in a million years. i fear that if i do talk to someone close about it and then still kill myself they would be overcome guilt. i'm trying to ease the burden on everyone around me as much as possible(partly why i'm going for an accident)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2011
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You say you do not want to die...and that your problem is 'inward'...I am sure many people here can say the same (not to insult you but to show you that we are all more similar than different)...can you find one trust person either in RL or in cyber and tell him/her a brief description and see his/her reaction? what is the worst that can happen? thinking of you, J
     
  5. abe6

    abe6 Member

    i mistyped i meant outward, i just typed up a bunch of stuff trying to describe the difference but i deleted it, my suicidalness is as much as product of my outside problems as my inability to mentally handle them......i don't want to die in the sense i'd give the world for my problems to go away, but seeing as that isn't happening, i do want to be gone

    its so pathetic i can't even bring myself to spill out the details when im anonymous. but this is a good idea and i think it needs to be done, if i can't even type it out the idea of ever facing it in the real world is doomed. thank you

    they won't understand and probably think i'm ridiculous. there is no doubt that there are people far worse off than me, unfortunately though that does not make me any less suicidal. it does make me for grateful for everything i do have though

    thank you, thoughts are always appreciated
     
  6. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    abe

    whatever you did/feel guilty about is probably not as big of a deal as you think it is...i'm not saying it's not a big deal, i'm just saying it's not worth killing yourself over...

    think about it for a second...there is so much more to life than what people make important...we place education and good grades and a good career and lots of money and a giant flat screen tv and a nice car at the top of the list...but none of that is important...by the same logic, our mistakes aren't as important either...we ALL MAKE MISTAKES...we're human, that's what we do...to some extent, even most criminals in jail serving life sentences or sentenced to death for murder have simply made a GIANT but stupid mistake...they made the mistake of killing somebody, probably over something that wasn't worth it...

    and i can tell you that whatever you did that you don't want to face cannot be as bad as what you are planning to do...there's a saying - "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" ...try and place what you are doing next to what you have done...no way in hell it's worth killing yourself over...

    also, think about the future...all things you won't do/see/experience...all the people you won't meet...all the food you won't taste?!

    even if you did something that is going to alienate you from everybody important to you in your life, screw it...let that happen...those who truly do care about you will forgive you...and those who don't forgive you don't really matter...and, take it as an opportunity to start over, whether or not that is what you want...there's some beauty in being able to start over...that's always an option...you can always make new friends, meet new people, get a new job, move to a different city/state/country...you can make some sort of a living just about anywhere - enough to survive at least - even with the most minimal education...

    please, tell somebody online what you are facing...feel free to PM me if you wish...i won't judge...and i'll do my best to understand...or, there's many other people on here who are good for that...we've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...okay?

    if you don't want to die, then don't kill yourself...
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey Abe
    I read what you wrote. I read that, as you see it, death is the better of two choices. I am going to say something I have never said to anyone here. I say it from my heart.

    I have read in more than one book that sometimes souls who take their own life look back and can finally see the larger picture. They realize that the future was not as devistating as they thought. But the body was no longer viable and there was no way to get back. They felt deep regret after having seen from a higher perspective and there was no way to return. I do not know if you even believe that we as souls are alive after the physical form dies. I do. And if you do, then maybe you can think about what I have read in different books over the years. Its something I do think about often.
     
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that if you killed yourself without ever having opened up about feeling suicidal, your friends and family might feel even more guilty, and blame themselves for not seeing signs

    there is an upside and a downside to just about anything. sometimes an upside can be hard to find.

    so I don't know what happened, so maybe there is no upside to it. sometimes though, you can learn something from a misfortune. so maybe falling from a high place shows you who your real friends are. maybe it could give you a new perspective about what is important in life, and the way you view other people

    seeing a therapist about this could help

    sorry if this sounds cheesy, but this reminds me of an ancient chinese folk story

    so there is this old man, and one day his horse runs away. all his neighbors say to him "what bad luck!", but the old man said "we'll see".

    so the next day, the horse returns, and brings three other wild horses with it. his neighbors say "what good luck!", but the old man says "we'll see".

    the next day, the old man's son breaks his leg while trying to tame one of the horses. ditto on the comments

    the day after that, the army recruiters come, but they can't take his son because he has a broken leg. again they say what good luck, but the old man still says "we'll see".

    sorry if that was annoying, but I like that story
     
  9. abe6

    abe6 Member

    there were no signs to see, none at all. i'm the last person in the world anyone would think would do this trust me on that. if i do open up and then still wind up going away the guilt would be immense. the thing is that there's not much anyone can do to solve my problems...i could tell them what has happened, tell them i'm suicidal, they can't help me. i know its classic to think that you are beyond help, but my situation is beyond help. me mentally? maybe im not beyond help but it just beyond impossible to imagine being able to get through. i've been able to get through some rough patches in life i know whats its like to be down and come out the other side, those were all fleeting though. this is going to follow me for a long time

    i can see upside down the road but i just will always be living with this so whatever upside there might be is negated because the residual effects of this will linger for a very long time

    thanks again for all the kind words and thoughts. i don't know if they will make a difference but having an outlet does help
     
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    maybe you could tell us what is going on

    we might be able to help. and even if we can't, you might feel better if you told someone

    you could also try calling a crisis line if you didn't feel comfortable telling us here
     
  11. abe6

    abe6 Member

    i'm embarrassed and ashamed by how trivial my problem is compared to what alot of people on here are facing. to me it's life or death but its i think to the vast majority they would probably give anything to be dealing with my problems instead of theirs. i have a great family, great friends, my physical health, and no mental health disorders and have lived a great life thus far. i know its gotta be impossible for most here to think how i could possibly be on the verge of giving up with all those things going right for me. the short version is a combination of failure in the face of everyone around me and betraying a close friend's trust

    i have put the words onto paper which was the first step but i dont know yet if i can physically say those to words even to an anonymous person. even so, if i can't get through this and wind up killing myself i'm going for an accident and having a last call in my phone to a suicide hotline would not exactly help the narrative im going for

    i'm definitely in a better place right now mentally than i was during my first post, telling someone has helped. hopefully that feeling will be more than temporary
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 6, 2011
  12. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    there's no contest for most unhappy life here.

    the purpose of the site is to help people who are feeling suicidal. you don't need any other credentials

    in the course of relationships, people do things that hurt each other. I think that often the difference between friendships that last and ones that don't is the willingness to work on trying to fix problems when they happen

    trust can be hard to repair once it has been broken. maybe you can apologize for whatever it was that you did. I don't know what happened, but it may be that you and your friend can get beyond what happened in time. My guess is that your friend would probably not want the death penalty for you over this. Maybe if your friend knew that you were suicidal he/she would be able to heal. so maybe telling your friend that you are suicidal is what you owe them. It sounds to me like you may have put yourself through more torment about this than was called for
     
  13. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Please allow me to introduce you to the following:

    You are not your thoughts;
    You are not your emotions;
    You are not your experiences…

    You are new in each moment…

    The above point to the truth of life. Maybe what you are feeling or experiencing is to draw your attention to a possibility of a new way of living - let go of the past, non-judgemental, forgive (including yourself)…

    I feel that you may find the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle speak to you in a way. At one point of his life, Eckhart said something like this: "I cannot live with myself any longer." Miraculously, his life situation changed completely… (see page 8 of the PDF book below for the story)

    Here is a link to free download of the book in PDF:

    http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Power-Of-Now-EckhartTolle.pdf

    I encourage you to check out this book.

    Wish you well!
     
  14. abe6

    abe6 Member

    i know you are right but its just that i have never hurt anyone before not even close

    what about when there have never been problems to fix :(

    we'll get beyond it at some point, but it just destroys me inside that the bond will never be the same and its something that while it will be forgiven in time, probably never completely forgotten, like a scarlett letter almost

    you are definitely right, unfortunately this is little comfort

    I have no doubt it would go a long way to repair the damage done and ease the blow if he knew i was actually suicidal over it, that it was by far the worst thing i have ever done in my life, especially considering how i'm the last person in the world anyone would think is capable of being suicidal but I don't know that just doesn't feel right to "use" my feelings of suicide. it just feels off. if i can eventually go through with coming clean and living i think i can convey how torn up i am over it without telling him i was suicidal over it. it did occur to me though, after coming clean to just give him my password here and read it for himself. i don't know

    maybe true in a relative sense and definitely true in a not worth killing yourself(to probably everyone) sense but it's just so tough. if you had asked me to look back at my life and say what i was proud of myself about, i would tell you that its that i can be trusted with anything in the world and i'm the best friend in the world, that i would do anything for the people i cared about. thats whats most dear to my heart, my being. and here i am, both of those shattered. do i still believe i am all of that? yes but god damn how can i really say that in the face of what i've done. forgiving myself will always be impossible, i will always live with what ive done. even if i make it right, which i can do, it still won't change the act of betraying trust. ugh i'm rambling thank you for your thoughts though always much appreciated
     
  15. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Why is it impossible to forgive yourself? Maybe the mind convinces us that not forgiving ourselves would make us a “more responsible or better person”? That’s how the mind imprisons us…

    When we cannot forgive ourselves, we cannot truly forgive others.

    When we judge ourselves, we judge others also.

    Truly loving others starts from unconditional love and acceptance of ourselves…

    Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting go
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D4VMZb8wLY&feature=fvsr

    Your Thoughts Make You Suffer ~ Eckhart Tolle
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_eASmGTd00

    I know you are used to the way you think, but maybe there is another way to look at things?

    Wish you well!
     
  16. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it's just a matter of time before relationships hit problems, I think


    I see it as being more like a debt that you owe. If your friend knows that you have been suffering this much, it might release his own pain. So maybe you owe it to him to let him know what is going on, even if the process is difficult and awkward

    the trust aspect of your friendship will certainly be damaged, you can only really repair that so much. it could be that you can build things back though. going through tough times can make any relationship stronger

    I think there is basic formula that you can follow to try to fix things

    don't ever do what you did again

    regret (sounds like you've got this part covered) and make it known that you regret what you did

    understand the degree of harm that you caused

    try to undo the harm as much as possible
     
  17. echo_bravo

    echo_bravo Member

    I don't know what you're going through, and I'm sure it is very different and yet similar to what a lot of us are going through on here. I have thought about suicide many times and have fought through it because of the pain I would be causing my family.

    A lot of people say they don't show any signs of depression and suicidal feelings, but somehow people always seem to find out. I would rather them find out by your pleas for help than a coroners report.

    It's definitely a long and hard road to recover from any thing traumatic enough to cause you to think about or attempt suicide, but many will tell you it's worth it.

    I don't know you, but I care about you and I want you to feel happiness and triumph and the success of putting all the horrible things of the past behind you. If you truly don't want to die, there is still hope, there is still time to fight and beat your suffering.


    I'm here for you, whenever you need an outlet, an open ear, advice, or just a cyber hug. Message me anytime.
     
  18. abe6

    abe6 Member

    Because i can't think of a worse crime than betraying someone's trust

    interesting perspective and i think you're dead on. its totally obvious but was never apparent until you said it. thanks for the words and the videos

    this sounds ridiculous but i have yet in my life to have a problem in any of my relationships with friends. there was no reason for it to eventually happen and this is why its so hard

    yes i agree with this. alot of it is going come down to how to my friend reacts, if he reacts to it like i do that its the end of the world, ironically that would probably be enough to tip me over the edge

    thank you, happiness is far above and beyond what i'm wishing for at this point

    most of the time i do, sometimes i do not, i'm hoping something happens that will tip the scales in a good way. but unfortunately, i feel like its kind of out of my control at this point and i just have to wait and see how i take what looks to be coming

    thank you i appreciate it
     
  19. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear abe6,

    It appears that you feel very strong about being right or wrong... I used to be like that, too…

    You said “…i can't think of a worse crime than betraying someone's trust”. You know it’s an extremely judgemental thought against yourself. Can you please question this thought (or any other thoughts):

    1. Is it true?
    2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    In a way, you identified yourself as a person never betraying someone’s trust. If you can still trust yourself, maybe this is an experience for you to realize that you can be more forgiving or tolerant towards your friends (and yourself) as everyone including yourself deserves a second (or third…) chance… Making mistakes is just part of our being human while mistakes or any experiences cannot really define who we truly are…

    What’s real and important is what actually happens “now” and all we ever really have is “now”…

    Take care!

    p.s. The above four questions are from The Work by Byron Katie by the way. She was once suicidal, too. Her “Work“ has been very helpful to lots of people. Here is a link to her website with lots of free stuff if you are interested:

    http://www.thework.com/thework-jyn.php

    and a video clip:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPaB93dBzJU&feature=related
     
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