wreckage

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by plates, May 3, 2009.

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  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    how do you stop killing yourselves?

    i have no option other than death. i've tried crisis teams, therapists, etc. and the only thing when the pain is too much is a physical end.

    i've been wrecked, inside is wreckage, emotionally, sexually, mentally, physically, but most of all inside my soul is dying, i am dying and i have been dying for the past few months.

    what stops you from killing yourselves?
     
  2. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    Fear, in all honesty. Fear of the pain, of the unknown. I feel like such a coward simply for living.
     
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    me too.

    i want to die tonight but i think i'll try and do something so i get unconscious so i won't feel the pain. i don't have a future and i know i will die soon.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your feeling this way. All I can say is that I don't want you to go through with anything, I hope you don't.
     
  5. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    My brother comitted suicide and having seen the destruction it has caused within my family.....well I just couldn't do it to them.
     
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thank you mystic eyes for your kind thoughts, and aaron for sharing your experience :hug: i'm sorry to hear about your brother and the grief that caused within your family. you sound like a very caring person.



    does anyone know what it feels like to want to die- i feel my life is walking on tip toe on wounds that run very very deep, it's a landscape of complete destruction and wreckage and when i feel this- stand on something that cuts my feet, fall into a hole, or i climb out , stand on tip toe again and fully realise the vast expanse of damage, there is no reason to keep me here. the pain is unbearable. my family isn't a reason as are any so called 'relationships' i have had because they have caused most of what i'm experiencing too.

    and then i wonder, 'how have i lived all my life with all this inside of me?'

    how have i done it?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2009
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Maybe there is something deep down inside that wants you to keep going. Also, perhaps this same thing also believes that things can get better.
    Also, this shows the strength you have inside you.
     
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yeah i suppose so. i have been getting tired of people saying i'm 'so strong' because it invites certain people to profit from my strength and beat me up emotionally that 'i will keep going because i'm so strong and have had this all my life'. but i think hearing your words right now makes sense. if i wanted to die, i'd have gone. i used to paint the wreckage a lot when i was younger, and i didn't fully realise what i was doing. it's only now i realise, i was painting something within me which i couldn't see was inside. as i couldn't understand or appreciate how much i was hurting back then. it was all 'normal'.

    thank you.
     
  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are able to realize and understand something about yourself.

    Take care.
     
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    maybe i'm just too much of a coward to go. i can't live in pain like this and realise what is inside of me and keep going.

    i think i've died a lot in the past. i've just shut down, and let people do what they like, in that way, i died.
     
  11. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Pain...unbearable.

    I hurt so much reading your words because i know it is so true - no one can know, but you, the devastation you are feeling... and saying you are strong seems so empty in contrast. Yet......you are able to give hope to others that just one more day is possible because of the power of who you are.

    Your endurance in the face of what you have expressed so tragically and beautifully is a tribute to the inner you that is so unique! I am so sorry you feel so low right now - the world would be a more empty place without the depth of feeling and creativity you have to contribute.

    Please hang on and thank you for sharing - as painful as it is. Death within from the damage of years of pain...you reacted in the only way you could, an instant reaction from past experience - you didn't "let" anything happen - not your fault - your endurance. It will take time and effort to heal but it is possible...it has to be.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2009
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    t-bear thank you for the thought, kindness, sincerity and feeling in your words.

    my world consists of my mother and sister. they do not know the wreckage , do not want to hear and when i die, i doubt they would know what was lost.

    i'm suffering from years of chronic abuse. i didn't let anything happen, i just didn't know anything else.

    what is one more day what is the point in staying on one more day when you know you're going to die from what's happening inside and the one person you want to help, hurts you and never will help?

    thank you for your words t bear. :hug:
     
  13. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Dealing with abuse is the strongest trigger I've ever had. Its such an awful, frightful, monstrous feeling. The shame and anger and impotence is just god awful. And the stronger the flashback the more pushed you feel toward escaping it all. :unsure:

    But as much as me wants to die in those times, I'm really glad to be hear today. LIfe doesn't have to resolve around the negative emotions and memories of abuse. And slowly but surely you can start to enjoy bits of life again.

    The most helpful thing I've had in resisting that urge is having a strong support group and journaling. Like you my family won't acknowledge it. At all to the point of being selectively deaf during a conversation. But family is most often the worst thing for support, and you can find real support that'll help you through some of these horrific struggles.

    :hug:

    j.
     
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    it's not urges.

    i'm dying.

    it's not my family.

    it's something else

    but thank you for your reply.
     
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