Wretched and Lost

I have been reading these forums for a long time now, and thought I might post an introduction at least.

For as long as I can remember I've been depressed. I'm 21 now and am currently in college and ironically am a psychology major (but will probably have to drop out soon because of grades). I have never had a girlfriend and haven't even been kissed before, I feel terrible just thinking about it. In the last year or so my problems have gotten much worse, and I fear that I won't be alive much longer because of them.

I feel very tired everyday, and barely have energy to do anything. I sleep through practically all my classes, then come home just to sleep even more. I find that I can't concentrate and my memory has become so poor that I have trouble remembering people and events from highschool. Worse of all is the extreme apathy I feel. I guess the only reason I'm still alive now is because their is no real motivation to take my life or really do anything for that matter. I feel like an empty shell, a souless representation of the person I used to be. I feel trapped and stuck in the monotonous routine of my day to day life.

And all the while I can help but think my mind is rotting and my body seems like its withering a way. When I turn off the lights and try to sleep I often feel a terrible feeling of extreme weightlessness and isolation. I have even begun to uncontrollably talk to myself. On the other side of things I am sometimes taken over by a sense of mania. It is a feeling of total self-destruction. I want to tear myself a part, I want everyone to hate me, I want to suffer so badly; These are the thoughts that scream out in my mind. It's what has caused me to start cutting up my arms and lower legs. I don't do any of this for attention, and no one even has a remote idea that I'm even depressed.

Time is running out for me, once I drop out of college I have no-where to go. I have planned to write notes to all my old friends and family then kill myself when this time comes, I don't really have any other choice.

 

Welcome to the forum darkedge..
I'm sorry but i really don't know what to say..

Do you know what the cause of all of this is?
Have you ever seen a therapist or counsellor..? I think it might be a good idea..

Ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to give me a yell.
Take care,
Ally _%

 

You should try some <mod Edit-Jodi>to help you study. Being a psychology major, I'm sure you know what they could potentially do.
There are few things more enjoyable than successfully self medicating.