Writing a suicide letter

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mbczion, Jul 25, 2013.

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  1. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I will commit suicide or not, but I have been thinking about it more lately. Whether or not my thoughts of suicide come to fruition, I have started writing a suicide letter. First I say goodbye to my parents and let them know they are the best parents anybody can have. If I had the choice, I wouldn't choose any other parents but them. I also let them know that they did everything they could for me and then some. They are not at fault. This world was just too cruel and I suffocated to death in this world. I assure my parents that I will always be with them in spirit and that they will continue to see me in their grandchildren (my children).

    I then move on to my two kids and let them know that they are the reason I have stuck it out as long as I have and if it weren't for them I wouldn't have lasted this long. I let them know that the two happiest days of my life were when each of them were born and reminisce about the different things I did together with each of them, our moments together, and the different nuances I love about each of them. I assure them that I love both of them and they are the two greatest kids in the world!!!!

    I then move on to my mother-in-law and tell her she is the best darn mother-in-law anyone can have. I write how I value every moment we spent together and have not forgotten her warmth and generosity. I tell her not to be sad and that I will give her son her regards (her son committed suicide about five years ago, but that is another story).

    I then move on to my loyal family and friends who have always been there for me, have always looked out for me, checked in on me, did favors for me, had me over, etc. etc. I let them know that even the smallest gesture has not gone unnoticed.

    I then move on to my "fair weathered friends" (most of whom I met through my wife), which is the last paragraph I have gotten to so far. I tell them "shame on them" for judging me for the worse because my wife and I are getting divorced. I also write shame on them for treating me like a disease. I also write to those who tried to invite my wife and kids (without me) to their place for the weekend (which is the only time I get to see my kids) even though we haven't separated yet, shame on you to the umpteenth degree.

    {So far, this is as far as I have gotten in my letter.}

    Whether or not I will end it all I want to have my letter ready. So, little by little I am working on it. This is what I have for now.
  2. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    As a kid I would have loved a dad who fought for them. My parents split and my dad didn't even try to get a little visitation from us. Think of your kids. Having a dad alive that wants you even though you don't get to see them much is much better than a dad who decided that nothing was better than something. Just think about that.
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    (((mbczion)) a couple of hugs my friend.. seems you need them atm.. your kids, parents and MIL would much rather still have you in their lives than a piece of paper sir.. I take this subject very personally.. my disabled son is almost 37 yrs old now.. when my time comes they will have to pry me off this earth with a highpowered forklift.. will hang on to the very last breath and piece of strength..

    you a good person sir... even better when you are still alive.. do not remember whether you have tried some counseling with a professional.. that can really help a lot mbczion.. someone who makes your welfare the only topic of choice..

    you need a shoulder or two is always alright to send me a private message.. I am around and up and down all the darn time.. will get back to you.. take care out there please... Jim
  4. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    My kids are a BIG reason, if not the BIGGEST reason I haven't been able to bring myself to "do it". Still, I want to have a letter ready in case I "snap".
  5. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    Thanks Jim. I am working on getting counseling, but I am jumping through hoops and it is challenging finding counseling that fits my schedule (working two jobs, neither of which I can quit or even cut back on hours).

    Thanks for the sentiments. I do feel like I am suffocating sometimes (well, most of the time lately). I hope it gets better and soon....
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I am a father who lost a son to suicide.
    I do not believe, through my actual experience, that any letters telling people this or telling people that make any difference at all. Nobody reads a suicide note that says, "This was not your fault," and then wipes their forehead and says, "Whew... well at least it wasn't my fault."

    The loss is the same regardless. The feelings left behind is the same with or without a note, in my opinion.

    So far better off to worry about finding a road to recovery and wellness if one is concerned about loved ones, rather than in seeking out ways to try to soften the blow for afterward. I promise you that nothing can achieve the softening.

    Therapy and professional assistance is the only true effort to be taken and the saving of your life is ultimately more important than a job - yet many job employers also offer mental health assistance programs and/or through their insurance coverage.
  7. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    pickwithaustin, sorry to hear about your son. I have to admit, your post made me sit back and think a bit. I will certainly take what you say into consideration.

    Sometimes I just feel like the older brother in the movie "Ordinary People" when his brother is yelling at him to hold on, but he couldn't hold on anymore, he just ran out of strength and he drowned.

    Your post just gave me another grip (even if for a little longer) and I thank you for that.
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