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Writing suicide notes is my hobby

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KiY, May 17, 2015.

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  1. KiY

    KiY Member

    It didn't used to be. I used to hang out with my friends. Go mountain biking. Hike in the country. Go drinking in pubs. Have sex with girls. Be respected by my peers. I used to laugh. I used to value time alone. I used to play games. Read books. Watch films. Make art work. Exercise. I used to keep tropical fish. I used to play with cats. I used to study my interests. Write fiction. Play dungeons and dragons. Paint miniatures. Play wargames. I used to dance. I used to sing along to music. I used to go clubbing. Go to festivals. Go camping. Go swimming in lakes. Take drugs. Make jokes. I used to be boastful. I used to sword fight. I used to play in the snow. I used to walk around in thunder storms with my shirt off. I used to go to the beach. I used to take photographs. I used to cook meals. I used to go shopping for fun. I used to garden. I used to do volunteer work.

    I used to be human.

    Now I just sit alone in silence for months at a time wondering why all those things are gone from my life.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    DEPRESSION steals life away it really does and i do hope you can reach now to someone to help you fight the depression to help you get your life back ok
  3. KiY

    KiY Member

    There's no way back. No way forward. I'm just sat waiting for the heart attack that's going to kill me. I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. The only emotions I feel anymore are disgust and hate while I wait to die in my oubliette.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Did something traumatic happen? You were doing a LOT of things, what changed?? And do you think you can get out of this rut?

    We care here, keep talking to us. I hope this community can help you through this.
  5. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I used to do a lot of things too that I can no longer do and don't have the desire to do. All that I do now is sit around staring at things and feeling sorry for myself because I can't be the way that I used to be. How I wish that I could be the way that I was, but as time goes on, I realize that I will never be the person that I used to be. It's really sad, but there is nothing that I can do about it so I just spend my days feeling torn up inside. I didn't do all of the things that you used to do but I had a good life and I was very content with it. Now all that I think about is death and dying and how I just don't want to live in this world anymore.
  6. KiY

    KiY Member

    I moved house. Not the first time I'd done that. But this is different. I'm trapped here. I've done everything I can think of to get myself out of this situation. But it's been so long now, and nothing ever makes any progress, and I'm not even sure that I'm capable of being who I was anymore. So no, I don't think I can get out of this rut. I've asked for help, but I get none. I've contacted the mental health service, but they either laugh at me, or pass me from place to place with months of waiting time between appointments. Every day I wake up, swallow the feeling of dread that there's nowhere to go and the day is going to be just like the last one, then I am forced to wait out my waking period until I can sleep again. There's nothing to do in this time since all solitary activities I do have become tedious, meaningless and a chore. I go for months without seeing daylight. Months without hearing another human voice. I'm stuck in the same moment in time waiting for mortality to swat me down.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That has got to be pretty tough to deal with!! Everyone on this forum knows I did not leave the house for many years (4-5), straight years so I can totally relate to the confinement. I do not know where you live or what the mental health service is like there but if they are laughing at you, then you need to see someone who will take this serious situation for what it is. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Is there anything at all you're interested in doing but maybe a little nervous about doing? I hope things improve for you I really do, your situation makes me sad! :(
  8. KiY

    KiY Member

    I'm 33. And as I said I've tried to get away from here and to reach out into the world, but I just hit walls every time. I've gone above and beyond what could be expected, but it just doesn't work. I took up sports (rock-climbing since it requires two people and there's a big scene for it here). I went to evening classes. I attended art groups. I tried online dating, but only ever got stood up. I even arranged to leave the country at one point, but my contact abroad took a shit on me at the last minuet. After a year or so of meeting nothing but the same stony faced rejection from people (all of whom had there own friends they had known for a long time and left no room for me), I decided to up my game and make my own territory. I started running classes. I helped build an underground night club. I arranged a massive community art project to transform a local woodland into a sculpture park. I took part in or helped to arrange festivals. Everybody enjoyed these services I did for them (out of my own pocket and with no profit). They enjoyed my labors with their friends, then went home with their friends. My loneliness has pushed me to achieve some of the biggest things in my life, but what do I have to show for it? A statue of myself sat alone on a hill! Fitting, huh? I literally can't think of any other action I can take. I've pulled every tool out of the box at this point. Occasionally I think of something to do to help myself, but I'm grasping at straws at this point. Best scenario I can think of is give myself the illusion that I'm making progress, when in fact all I'm doing is sat waiting for an email to be returned, or for something to come via mail order. At least it lets me add a sort of "punctuation" to this sense of timelessness, but it's pointless and progress has become static. There is only the now and that is unchanging.
  9. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Are you looking for lots of people to hang around with, or just one or two close friendships?
  10. You're lucky that you have experienced those things. I'm sure it isn't pleasant now. I have no real happiness. No future really. The clock is ticking.
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