Writings Since My Injury Happened

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by Reibtoirurinabi, Jul 11, 2012.

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  1. Can I reclaim the lost?
    Just living, without conjuration of assortments of spectacles
    How I'd lose it
    Fighting a daze
    Happening of objects of experience not occurring
    What has become of it?
    Ringing severity
    Assemblage of spectrum points not captivating
    They'll say, but it's simply not so
    Could impress more than they'd know
    Something wrong
    How can I live with the loss?
    They leave too, upon seriousness
    This feeling, incorrect
    Why it won't heal and I don't know what happened
    Figured I'd conjured enough insanity and hurt but now this
    The injured sense tempting to terminate
    Pressure to cease
    Really did fuck it terrible for trying to live
    Striking enticement, where is the rich tapestry of mental formations?
    Ingesting fatty layered adornment ablements, but what will it help?
    Extremities lacking sensation, reality wants to be harsh again
    This is a new level of harsh
    All I worked for, already lost
    Why wouldn't I want to end it?
    Hardened deadness humming space
    Heard in difference, focus kept in the moment to the absence of any fractalization of formations
    Can't accept loss of everything I be
    The end of all of reality's suffering
    Is all that matters
    Where is the profoundness, sinking into tonalities?
    Don't fucking hurt me
    Nothing feeling meaningful like it did
    I've lost imagining!
    Wanna slam my head, it won't feel right
    Where the brain should be processing life there's ringing fullness sensation
    Fucking never
    Would I have gone
    I NEED IT!
    They don't even use their mental possibilities of extent!

    Not holding on
    Simplified to basic
    No comfort or relief
    Always thought it was harsh
    Didn't even know
    But for what?
    With all this ruin
    Don't even want to be reminded
    Seemed I was doing something worthy
    And then there's amnesia
    Just reduced to something you were hiding from
    Now it can't play with all the activity
    What to do?
    No will
    Really did myself in this shit
    All acting normal
    Hurts to the core of blankness
    So this was how it was going happen
    This was what I was dying to have
    Don't even want to be remotely aware of this occurence
    No one to help or heal
    Cruel to leave me in this
    Had it all going
    Really didn't think I'd make it this terrible
    Now nothing can change it
    But I still won't accept it
    Limit of aliveness
    Subtly lost
    All I suffered for, lost
    And all their unconsciousnesses run free
    Not even utilizing their potential
    Oft forgetfulness of mental focus
    Lost pleasure of arousal of blissfulness of thought-feelings/feeling-thoughts
    No one knows
    Lost the fine attention to the infinite of detail
    And more and more and more
    All I have left
    Like I fucking needed this
    Have nothing in my life
    Haunting me
    Just wanna never awake from sleep
    Can't bear the loss
    Wanna remove myself from interactions like inner networks
    Will it heal?
    Probably wishful thinking
    Holding on by a thread
    This dreadful existence of hurting loss
    Fuck off
    If only the universe could tell me it would all be all right
    As in, we're everlasting
    At least I could swallow the loss
    But if it's my one aliveness I'll EVER get and I ruined its potential terribly
    Then god-fuck, that's horrific
    Horrifying to the core of beingness that I can't even feel
    Got too excited
    Stopped being careful
    Got too caught in the 'all is me' shit
    Sacrificed myself, hurt it
    My infinite potential growing evermore
    Now I'm just here
    Can't even experience how much I've lost
    All of them expecting me to hold on
    Just 'cause I talk normal
    And they'd never fucking know
    Even if the ringing just could stop it'd help my psyche to not feel so damaged
    It's a constant reminder
    Having to wake up to ringing
    I was dangerous to myself
    Lost sense of safety and logic, lost sense of science
    And this is what I get
    And who knows?
    Who can ever bring it back?
    Just lost forevermore
    They don't wanna hear it
    It's the only thing that increases aliveness feelings
    Oh, "look at the ability to come up with complex sentences"
    But they don't know shit, that's just residual remains of grandiose potential with words and language, etc.
    Not fucking fair
    Can't even know what really happened
    Don't feel right as I'll type
    And so dull
    I'd really, really not have wanted to wake up
    If I'll have to always live with this
    All I had to do was chill
    All I MOTHERFUCKING had to do
    But I had save reality
    Had to be mystical and read all the world as a mirror of me
    And it's fucked me horribly
    Picked up a wrong vibe
    Toyed with life
    Thought it was a joke
    Forgot how serious
    What I was messing with
    Now I must pay
    My entire life for this accident
    How am I supposed to enjoy life after this?
    Knowing what happened
    Constantly feeling the loss
    Knowing I'm not what I was SUPPOSED to MOTHERFUCKING be
    What I was given
    A beautiful miracle given
    And I MOTHERFUCKING squander it
    Squandering life, is all I'm good at
    Is all I've ever been good at
    Squandering what may be an only beingness
    Their aliveness, will I ever get to have it?
    This cruel universe
    No one looking out for me
    So blank that I can barely cry
    Can't focus
    In a dullness trance unceasing
    Cut me down to size
    Oh god fucking why?
    You bring me back just to be tormented in grief of regretfulness
    No method to feel good
    Just wanna kill my life, is all
    IS ALL
    Can't fucking take it
    Fuck that fucking ******
    Happiness ones around me torture me
    NOT holding on
    I don't want to cause suffering to others
    But this is ridiculous
    Caring about nothing
    Compared to this ruin
    Hurt me to the core of my aliveness
    Existing a curse
    Left me dying for five minutes
    Only the one that's suffered endlessly
    Leave him dying
    Suicide or blazed
    Fucking ****
    Left me
    His minor shit
    While he receives pleasure fulfillment
    CAN'T hold on
    Right now
    How can I make it?
    Existence wants to kill me
    To do this to me
    Can't bear it

    Failure to instigate magicality of arousal
    Feels so familiar
    But blankness overwhelms formations of feeling
    Hurt to the core of feel-good
    And you wonder why I'm desperate?
    Unaware of so much now
    Window of aliveness diminished
    Is it even there?
    Can it be restored?
    Never thought I'd lose these precious things
    So simple
    Tired and dazed mentality
    Did myself in more than I'll ever know
    Reviewing before it happened but my memory of understanding my word linkages doesn't present itself
    So this was how I was going to ruin myself
    Took what made living hardly bearable
    And I'm supposed to go on?
    Yeah, it was retarded
    The torment before didn't realize how this is something to actually be tormented over
    They just don't know how serious it is
    I liked living through it all
    Doesn't feel exciting
    Doesn't feel mystical
    Hurts so bad I can't even feel anything
    And nothing seems to be changing
    I'm broken goods
    Still don't wanna believe it happened
    Can't bear the loss of it all
    Just for me
    Perfect for me
    Ravaged by life
    Just begun it
    Never lived it
    Can't feel it
    Hope each night I'll wake up to no ringing and a cessation of blankness
    Lost my life that night
    It's so fucked up
    And I can't take it
    Is all I know
    How can life mean anything if I don't feel it?
    Wouldn't you be ready to die?
    And then pick someone that was almost ready to die before in insanity of negative, stupidly
    Yeah, it was dumb
    In comparison to this
    Why must I keep living?
    Just for others around me
    Well that's just fucking great
    'Cause each day conscious is just a day to regret and remember before it happened
    Before it happened memories
    Torturing me in blankness
    No hope for me
    I'd gladly suicide right now
    This was an awful dream that kept progressing worse
    No one to provide loving
    I wasted a life
    How can a relationship mean anything if I can't feel?
    How can I deal with what I'll never be able to show that I was?
    All that work
    To tell them
    But they'll never know now
    I'll never be able to recreate it in their mind and mine
    Forgot how brutal this piece of shit was
    Somehow escaped without injury for 21 years
    Until I injected my forcefulness of insanity doings
    Flying off the handle
    When I didn't realize how shit it could be for me now
    This is a calamity
    How can I live with what I've done?
    May 21st, 2012
    Where I go to die
    All I did for nothing
    Lost in five minutes
    I ache to die
    To not have to know this loss
    No will to try to regain when I feel how damaged I am
    Just feel dead
    In a daze of blankness of thinking and feeling
    Not fair that I have to live anymore
    Just let me die so I can have peace from remembering before it happened
    Don't give a shit about anything anymore
    Sad that I don't
    Everything working against me
    I may laugh with you but it's superficial
    Wanted to see what I could have been
    Shame, I'll not be able to
    I'm just waiting to die
    Hoped I could have had a female
    If it just didn't happen
    I'd still be looking towards it
    Probably no hope for me
    My brain function will cease and I'll just disappear without even knowing it to never be for eternity
    Is that how terrible it is to be a lifeform in this universe?
    Don't give a MOTHERFUCK what Osho says about death
    Like never being again is something to treasure
    What a retard
    Reduction of me further and further
    This time it's too severe
    But I'd live if I knew for certain we're not a one-time beingness
    Never got caught up at all

    Review the one that motivated myself to risk without concernment
    And who cares?
    From this, just trying
    Ultimately just envy
    Now it's lost to here
    'Cause it's doing the same thing
    The worth of immaterial brain immaterality
    Must I wake?
    At least if it could be taken from
    It'd help psychological feelings of normality
    Burden, trials, tribulations
    Figured it couldn't get this bad
    That it was before
    And now who knows
    Oh, I know
    But I know it here and can't help
    Took my excitement of sharing all I can be
    Now I cannot be all I can be
    So why even try to breathe awareness in all situations
    Just a blankness of somber
    Hard to not just be trance helplessness of negative
    Arriving to another
    But how will it interact with what's left?
    I'd be giddy to not wake to this again
    You know what I mean
    So little life left in me
    Not supposed to be like this
    Just 21
    Never had anything like that
    Still don't get it
    Just aching for some relief
    After this disturbing reality
    Will I even get it?
    Not waking would be a gift

    Cycles of coerced hope and then giving up
    If there's something there
    Keeps me alive
    In my delusions?
    And this transcribing
    Sensitivity to feel-good not activating
    Drown in external stimulation
    Should have been careful, always
    But here I am
    With nothing and nothing to be done
    The coming down
    Lost faith in a wonderful surprise
    Yeah, I've never tried for it
    But now I'm hardened into loss of pleasure receptability
    Keep remembering like it can matter
    No alteration of psyche agent available
    Until the one strived
    'Til I feel a little good
    'Til something goes away of undesirability
    Disaster of a life
    Squandered to expand in absence
    Wasn't me, but I did it anyway
    Can't understand why nothing EVER gave
    Until it reaches a peak inability to accept it and I just hurt myself
    Feeling like a wall when I start to unravel this loss
    Desperate to be on
    So I can effect transition
    The day it died
    Yeah, like I analyze everything now
    Can barely do shit
    Oh, but I'll handle it all well
    If I just know
    If I just know
    If I just fucking know
    Yeah, I'll accept what happened
    But if this forever my one chance at receiving beingness or pleasure
    Then I can't handle
    Fuck, it'll be shit if I'll never get to feel pleasure when this is over
    If I ruined the ability
    So special
    Crucial to ecstatic
    Ineffable importance
    Yeah, and I denied being able to feel it like a retard
    Subjected myself to nothingness
    So I could waste away aliveness
    Too bright that I was dumb
    Around the incorrect subject for what I NEEDED
    And THAT's why I'm fucked
    Never wanted the slightest neurotoxicity
    And then I receive mass neurotoxicity-likeness if not
    It's like, and wow
    Can't recall 'cause so much 'damage'
    Oh cool, a trick question
    Made myself perceive insanely to explore the depths
    And that's what sealed my ****** fate
    Fucking forests
    Just fucking annoying
    To feel injured when I try to even make peace with the horror of it happening
    Expel text to make up for the silence of activity
    The loss of sexuality feel-good is tragic
    If I could be back to normal I'd have all the will
    Just suddenly back to rightfulness
    Jumping for joyfulness
    A female to comfort me
    Starting to lose any trace of feel-good right now
    All the missing
    Earinging keeping ringing
    Wishing I had loving for me
    Something I'd die for is missing

    Nothing to offer the world or myself
    Like I've always done this to no avail
    Denied and left every opportunity
    In frantic desperation repressed
    Just existing, without purpose
    Each day waking up is a letdown
    Had something special
    What my life was
    What I've been working on, denying all for
    And then it disappears
    Who cares?
    No care for my existence
    Wasted it day by day
    A fight to live with my decisions
    But I can't die
    Nothing else
    Must muddle through it, the loss
    No connections
    But what can I even feel now?
    This retard environment
    Let me despise to my fucking death
    Choosing to exist in this fuckhole of absence
    Until I couldn't take it further and killed myself, my potential
    So difficult
    Hurts so bad, what I've done
    When there could have been BLISS right now
    Only my retardation to blame
    Fuck me to the bitter end
    Life given to me, help for me
    Yet I still fuck up
    Terrible influences
    I NEEDED it
    Is all I remember
    Sad, the repression
    Like there's some guarantee of everlasting blissness to make up for every distress
    Spent a decade developing my psyche to maximum strength of awareness
    But go on, kill it off in a few minutes
    All you bled for to get
    If I could only do it again
    Wise now, to how I hurt myself
    What is crucial to maintain willingness to live
    But fuck, too late for connection now
    Too late to show my potential?
    Nothing to even share now
    Maybe if I'm on something
    But too disturbed by the blankness
    Wish I never messed with life
    Too serious to be mystical like I'm indestructible awareness
    But what now?
    It's done
    What really gives a fuck about me?
    Feel so limited to focal points
    Doesn't drift into the infinite like I would
    Wish I had a female to distract in lovingness, comfort
    Felt the NEED today
    But what to do
    Constructed my life to dissolve all ties
    Wasn't supposed to be like this
    Was supposed to feel
    Wasn't supposed to be like fucking him
    And exist with him all my goddamn motherfucking life
    Him enjoying
    While I writhe in horror of suffering of absence longings
    But I did it
    Only hurt myself
    Now what hope is left?
    Feel like I'm 90 and bitter
    And existence no longer producing the charm of magicality of aliveness wonderment
    Not excited to share all I can be
    Lost what I could be
    Don't care to share an impaired all I can be
    Sacrificed myself while they run free in joy
    For the one that never quit the suffering
    And yeah, this happens
    Fuck me
    I'm delicate
    But I became careless of danger
    Too caught in non-practicality
    Fuck this god forsaken place
    Fuck them while their universe died that evening
    Really thought I was just helping myself
    To have hurt myself more
    Can't swallow it
    Fucking motherfucking ******s
    Lifeless, for real
    Physically lifeless
    I used to be psychologically lifeless
    But that was induced
    What I can't even know I could have been
    Will my life EVER pick up?
    This mess it's became
    Truly deadened
    It was all intensity of negative state
    That made me feel dead
    Now it's PHYSICAL deadness
    Not to be fucked with
    God, lift me out of this state of beingness around me just scraping the surface of it all
    Used to always be high in mentality
    Need to get back there
    Can't take the unconsciousness
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2012
  2. Left myself in nothing
    Keep waking up to the nothingness
    Not fair
    But who'll ever know
    Struggled with it always
    Yet I had an opportunity at one time
    Denied it
    Now I don't feel lifeful
    Can't report in creativity of maximized novelty of what I see
    Lose the ONLY thing I had
    The most precious thing
    Can't live with my denials
    Can't bear that it was JUST right
    I just had to be safer and it'd stay with me
    To develop further
    Here am I
    In the same ruinment localization I've always suffered in
    Had hope
    Had lifeness
    Had everything going
    Just needed cannabis to calm the engine
    But I listened to mentality instead of feeling cravings
    Now there's no one for me
    Now I'm standard goods
    Nothing to show for
    And it's not right
    Well maybe, I'll gain some potential on it
    Saddened as shit
    When I try to interact
    I can't be all I can be
    My fucked up decisions
    Harsh cruelty of reality leaving me desolate
    Will I ever?
    Each day, torturous
    This isn't how it should be
    What can I offer now?
    Just how to show my previous potential
    But that's fucked up
    Always would be caught in bullshitting entanglement of mentality
    Now something really destructive to me happens
    And I regret the shit out of drowning in the entanglement
    Everything placed before me
    The one that NEVER had release
    A pattern of denying since inception
    When I NEEDED it
    21 years of mistake
    Instead of seeking fun
    When you had a body dying to experience it
    You acted like you'd already had your fill
    Always faking
    To appear 'beyond' feeling pleasure
    Well that's FUCKED UP
    Because feeling pleasure is pure
    And you couldn't see it
    Get the fuck out there while they refuse
    Get cottoncandy
    Go on the ride
    Doesn't matter if he doesn't find it enjoyable!
    But no, go on and deny like always
    So I can end up right here completely fucked in every way
    It's all you're good at piece of shit
    Is denying life when you died to experience it
    'But I'll silly,' so you pass up every opportunity
    And end up so desperate so as to take DXM with complete strangers and ruin a beautiful gift to share with yourself and the world
    The fucked up life you made for yourself
    When you were given a plentiful rearing
    Ripe with avenues to make life worthwhile for yourself
    But you did what he did
    He enjoys just being in solitude
    But you wasted away in solitude
    But yet countless seasons of repression in solitude is all you could do
    Even though it killed you each day
    Welcome to your fucked life because you couldn't allow one opportunity
    Couldn't take one risk of being out of the comfort zonation
    Caught in PURPOSELESS mentality scolding
    Left yourself to die
    And here I am
    The result of all your denials
    The result of all your spending time in solitude on a computer in a basement when you NEEDED social connection to pleasure more than anyone
    Simple problems that could have been fixed
    Seemed inescapable
    But you just couldn't see
    That there were options
    Left alone in the mess of denial and overthinking an illusory plight
    Took everything TOO FUCKING SERIOUS
    WAY, WAY too motherfucking early
    Life or death, yet you were in 6th grade
    The fuck?
    Couldn't see that it wasn't going to matter
    Passed up what would matter because of the passing up tendency that could never be broken
    Now I'm wrecked goods
    Couldn't see
    Just couldn't fucking see
    And I don't know fucking why
    JUST needed cannabis
    IS ALL you needed to understand the importance of feeling life
    Not thinking life
    But you were going to ascend, right?
    Your atypicality of thinking would transcend you into a blissfulness beyond everything
    So you were free to deny it all
    'Cause you were superhuman

    To exist
    All I can do
    To handle this
    To wait
    Just a retard
    Tortured himself
    To be left in ruins
    Who knows
    Who cares
    He's always been
    While I've suffered nine years
    Only took me nine years to ruin the gift
    As he comes down
    Waking up to potential
    Expects me to be here
    Just for him
    ****** contentment
    Just servicing as some sideline entertainment
    Just to top off his content existence
    Wakes up to what he wants
    While I haven't woken up to what I want ever
    Can't help but HATE these ******s
    Just want to die
    I have no hope
    Reality has cursed me
    Never, it summarizes my existence
    Wanna blow my head apart with a gun in front of his contentment
    Pointless living
    Reduced awareness
    To add to my discontentment
    Don't want to be here
    But I won't die
    I wake up each day, like anything will change
    No will after this
    Was dumb to have no will before
    'Cause I was physically right
    And that's so important
    This gay anus existence
    Leaving me alone
    Leave me to suffer more
    Something MUST give
    So this hopeless existence can be relieved of itself
    Living for nothing, like always
    Was stupid before to be so entangled
    But now it's too late
    They can't help me, can't heal me
    Just HATE myself
    Apparently I just wanted to live a tormented existence
    Just torment, now just feelinglessness
    Ringing never ceasing
    To remind me whenever I'll start to forget
    I want out
    It's all my fault
    Given help and everything
    But I blow it all
    Just a fuck-up
    Existence wants to kill me
    It must
    Great, I can't even remember or know how much I've lost
    Everything around me servicing my guilt
    So I had to go out and ruin myself
    Kill me
    Kill me
    Kill me
    Kill this piece of anus-shit ******ism body that doesn't function like it should
    Given a life to enjoy
    But I just make it a life to suffer purposelessly
    The chances, infinite to one
    That I'd receive a beautiful setting to live in
    And day by day I tear it apart
    Good for nothing
    Chose everything over myself
    Yet, there's no way to even die
    Amazing it's so hard to die
    Yet so easy to lose ALL I MOTHERFUCKING BLED FOR
    No relief
    The most tormented and cursed soul
    Just live to eat
    Pathetic existence
    When I was given the world of potential and guidance and help
    But I'm good for nothing
    Is all I've ever been
    How can I enjoy now?
    Only if I'm drowning in something
    Unaware of what happened
    Need lethal injection
    Can't take my stupidity that left me like this

    Why fucking try?
    Left to be killed off
    While they're contented
    Not even responding
    Yeah, fuck off
    Fuck this broken body
    This broken reality
    Didn't EVEN get to experience bonding culmination
    And already dull of sensitivity to pleasure
    Fuck that **** too
    Can no longer live with my horrific choices
    Just heading frantic to disaster
    Needing serious relief
    Couldn't get it right
    Couldn't move towards the light
    Is there hope for me like a next time?
    Do things right
    Move only towards feel-good
    I failed totally
    At striking a balance between feel-good and depth of consciousness
    Was fucking silly
    All the drama of internal negative
    When I still had my physicality working
    Waiting for healing
    This is tragedy
    I was dumb
    So bright that I was retard dumb
    And missed what everyone realized
    Everyone who's not FUCKING HIM
    Sheesh, the total opposite, wrong person for me
    But what can I say?
    What can I do?
    Couldn't be more wrong now
    Chose my destiny with my denial of life
    Now suffer the consequences, ****
    A beautiful happening called the universe
    Within my hands
    But I just sat at a computer watching the world
    If I could just go back
    Do what I craved
    And fuck the rest
    Do what felt right
    Not what I intellectualized to be the highest truth pathway
    And just retard shit
    Tried to be fucking Terence McKenna when I was 13
    Live fucking life a little, at least
    But I didn't even
    So here I fucking am fucked COMPLETELY
    One body to live with
    But I forgot
    Just awareness, indestructible
    Fucking motherfucking fuck-****** Forrest
    Attracted the wrong ****** anus
    But not surprised
    Most everyone seems to be a 'just do it' vibe
    Go on, take suspicious substances
    Now just handicapped potential
    Left me to die
    I was more novel
    And a resource to the universe's expansion
    But no, just let it waste away into never being able to be accessed again
    Was a fucking fool
    No one could get through to me
    One in an infinite chance
    But go and blow it staring at a screen
    When you're dying to not do that
    There's NO ONE as retarded as my retardationality
    Oh why, why Scott?
    Why must you have chose this life of absence of what you craved for
    You were complacent to be stuck in your illusory prison of mentality
    Had a lot of years to enjoy the fruits of my work
    Now what?
    Such a bitch
    You couldn't last a fucking lifetime
    Just beyond 'teenage' years and you trainwreck yourself
    'Cause you were dumb
    Dumb as fuck
    Fuck him and his syrup
    Now I must pay
    Hope someone suffers like me
    I don't want anymore suffering to happen in the universe
    But I feel so alone, so aggravated
    Not feeling correct
    I sleep so much
    Yet I never seem to even be healing
    It's frustrating
    Probably 95 years old from all this agony
    I pray for redemption
    Just couldn't chill the fuck motherfuck out
    And not induce more suffering for them
    A fight to live with my divine retardation
    Don't EVEN remind me
    FUCK their happiness
    Pains me
    I imposed a nightmare illusion on myself all these years
    I'm a failure
    No reason to fail
    A mystery why it happened
    Takes so much to get effects
    Costs so much
    Just a waste of energy
    But dreaming anything 'beyond' cared for me
    Despite the cruelty of it all, the randomosity, etc.
    Something beyond cares
    Started it ALL wrong
    Only makes sense it'd keep progressing worse
    My turn to shine in pleasure
    But I reject life's plea for me
    And live like a slave
    Just keep making it harder for me to ever feel complete and live a wholesome feel-good life
    Only took me 18 years to realize my foolishness
    So annoyed
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2012
  3. Less and less
    Accept it
    Who knew?
    Oh well
    Wasn't a pleasant reality anyway
    Was gonna make things better right?
    Going against fear
    And this happens
    Everyone their same
    But me, colossal alteration
    The warmth of life isn't present
    Bothersome postivity of ones known before
    Yeah, now I must regret it and regret my entire life leading to it perpetually
    Muted effect
    Look for residence anywhere
    No one to accompany
    Acted against my cravings
    Just existing, not living
    Need caring
    But love is far and few
    Would have done it ALL completely different
    Or am I just hiding in delusional beliefs to feel comfort

    Oh, existing
    This year, the hype
    Bad combination with me
    ******s not open to infinity, disgusting
    Least I still can remember
    Never too late?
    Perpetual foolishness
    But this reality is dangerous
    Sit in absence of purpose and feeling
    Sat in absence when I had life
    Convinced I couldn't get out
    Can't remember fun now
    Denied chances to make life worthwhile
    We'll never know why

    Hurt myself to the core
    No escape
    Each day a struggle to come to terms with the loss
    Realizing how I could have easily had a blissful life
    Can't stop intaking it
    Never felt the love
    How to hold on
    And for what?
    It torments me
    All because I had to forget I was a body
    Miserable attracts further misery
    Can't feel substances
    Hate myself for being depressed before when I wasn't physically damaged
    Easy for them
    This one making me insane
    Living for their benefit
    So dead I don't get any effects
    Can only blame myself
    Living to eat, watch the one show, and sleep
    Takes injury to make me get how stupid I was?
    Is there hope for joyfulness?
    For recovery?
    Lost faith
    The pains of regret
    Of wasting a life that had opportunity for being wonderful
    The edge of life
    If I don't feel that will I even feel what I've been waiting for all this time?
    Hardened immensely
    Tenderness and subtly a distant experience
    How can I live with myself?
    So wise, yet I can do this?
    Nothing can be the same
    All around me without a scratch
    Knowing I had it all then
    Heartsick, heart-rending
    The feelings of denied life
    Of aliveness right in my reach yet I didn't take
    Heading towards ruin
    Is all my life has been
    Would treasure to feel a little of the taboo aliveness
    But is the well still working?
    How can I feel profound with this damaged brain?
    Seems like it's the way
    But how do I find a female?
    I'm a nightmare to myself
    Can barely maintain willingness to exist
    Didn't realize what I was messing with
    Now I know, and I NEVER would have wanted to touch it
    Eliminated all connections
    AT LEAST I could have preserved that
    But no, I had to inflict this
    Oh god, I'm drowning in horror
    Why oh why did I have to go?
    All around, coldness
    Feel condemned to drown in misery
    Ruin myself and then I die to never be again?
    Have nothing in my life
    My life is just a tragedy
    Self-imposed suffering and then life injury
    Was a fucking fool
    But it's already happened
    I cry, feel alive for a little
    But knowing it's all just brain function isn't comforting
    I just couldn't take what was in front of me
    A stupid **** to hurt myself with denial
    What can invoke me to feel better?
    So low
    Life rid of magic
    Just reduced by being a body
    Could she heal me?
    Where to find
    So absent of will
    Deathly wrong but it doesn't change
    Wonder if anyone can bring me out of my hell-hole
    I have no one
    Why work if I can't feel effects anyway?
    Why try?
    I must pay for the rest of my life for picking up his foolish vibe
    Fucking ******

    Oh, to accept it
    Oh, to keep living
    Even he said it
    Dictation all abound
    Only the freedom of the universe
    I try
    Even though it's incredible
    Could have been worse
    Not really
    Waiting for someone to be there for me intimately?
    Internally all pure
    Infinite love
    It's true
    Oh, I try not to remind
    But there it is
    Again and again
    When I'll no longer have to see the horror
    A bliss of not being there
    Don't even know the desperation tomorrow will bring to not be here
    Over and over
    I'm sorry
    I won't even review it
    Makes me too sad
    Why I ended up like this
    Faith in the universe
    Is it justified?
    Memory before the damage, the new 'mega' hurt
    The new Emily Atwell
    Oh dear
    Except this hits closer to home then Emily ever did
    Thought Emily was sad
    Didn't even know what was coming, unfortunately
    Uh, heartsick craving again
    Wanna live forever in that song's dimension
    Want a reality made out of that profoundness
    If it could please
    But is it out of the question now?
    Living for the dream of that feeling's significance of profound spiraling blissfulness exploration
    Admist the mundaneness happening now
    Oh, they'll NEVER know
    How deep it went, I went
    Oh, before
    un-dharma, but would it ever happen
    un-dharma + Lights is heavenation
    Of the importance of extracting bliss from life, all the bliss possible
    Wonder how
    Pushed more and more to findation
    Make it a reality, see what's left for this broken body

    Significance lost
    Oh, they're all still unscathed
    Couldn't even last 'til there was more
    Endless ringing
    Had to get so pretentious
    Please die
    My only comfort is the possibility of never waking
    Could have accepted my uneventful life
    Just enjoying little things with it
    I keep waking up, and it breaks my heart each time
    Didn't want to mess with it
    Oh, but I did
    Just for me
    Just for you
    Their happiness
    I'll NEVER feel
    Doomed to never be after this body goes?!
    How great
    Don't care
    It's NOT right
    Oh, I don't deal well
    Fuck it then
    If it wants to wreck me so easily
    I'll wreck it ALL
    That motherfucking ****** just leading me to destroy my ONE AND ONLY motherfucking life
    My life giver, the brain
    Their laughing
    Wanna suicide just because of it
    Cover my hearing
    WHY must I live?
    They didn't have 1/5th of mental potential
    But I lose
    I must lose
    FUCK Chris
    Now I have a destroyed life
    Yeah, don't answer you motherfucking ****
    Fucking ****** ****** anus
    Don't EVEN care
    Their happiness of laughing, just wanna suicide because of it
    Sore aching longing denied
    Lost forever?
    Eternal torment
    God fuck me
    God fucked me
    Suffer how I suffer
    How could I take any more?
    Then this came
    Oh god, I've been cursed
    Cursed before I even knew the bliss life could be
    The decision that ended my life
    My prayers for death unanswered
    Of course
    No one as stupid
    To not take one in reach pathway to bliss
    NOT ONE!
    You didn't try one!
    Catered to them and not the one that really needed it, me
    They're unscratched
    Living well, living the same
    While I have to suffer a dramatic lessening of lifeness
    How funny
    Now I JUST want to die
    Oh, you'll get your wish
    You piece of fucking shit
    Wishing it when you had an undamaged brain and body!
    The ******-fuck?
    Nothing left of me
    When can I PLEASE die already?
    You WON'T heal me
    So I WON'T live
    Given up on this life, that anything is there for me
    Was an absolute fool
    This summer, no pleasantness
    Just terror
    Ugliness of the reality
    Do you fucking get it?
    All my hope crushed
    My enthusiasm about awareness
    Tired of the same suffering each day
    I accept it then I can't bear it
    Accept then refusal, etc.
    Faith in ever being the same wanes each day I feel and discover more wrongness
    Not like I ever really imagined I'd heal the second day when the cold reality pounded at me
    Was SO beautiful
    Before it was ravaged
    My mind
    Wanna stab a knife through her face
    Not really
    Just the laughing
    So enraging
    The party's over
    It NEVER began for me
    Just self-imposed agony and then unaliveness
    Heaven really hates me
    Can't pretend to really be alive
    So fucking retarded
    Yet I left myself with that
    So stupid I could kill him
    God-fuck, I want to die for ever being so blind
    Maybe when I suicide he'll realize what a retard he's believing in
    Stupid as fuck
    Stupid as SHIT
    But leave his dumb ass to be around
    And quell my growing infinite potential, to nothing
    One wrong move
    But I couldn't see where I was going
    Knew it was coming
    Always acted as a wreck
    Now the reality hits me hard
    Beats the shit out of my life
    A mirror held up to my stupidity
    Haunting me continuously
    Yeah, it was bad for you
    But nothing hit home
    Now you're reeling in TRUE LOSS
    Breaking the whole course of your life
    All interactions, wherever you go
    The unending sufferer's suffering will suffer more
    Past suffering silly in comparison
    But it's always like this
    Focus on the absent
    Hurt to the core of stinging heart-sore grief
    The meaning of what's lost
    Oh, I'll tell you
    Lights is the meaning
    Meaningfulness you'll never even realize 1/800th
    What it meant to me
    And fuck that it's brain function and you think you explained it away
    But it's so real you'll never even equal 1/infinite to it
    So fuck off
    And you ruined my life too
    With your vibe
    'Looking up' to you
    Were never at all for me
    But what could I say
    Couldn't be more wrong
    'Cause now it's all gone
    Hope my ****** funeral's close
    'Cause I can't bear it
    My existence a curse, to be 'alive' a burden
    Never got to make it right
    Started all wrong
    Couldn't break the pattern of denying every joy
    You craved social connecton
    But you kept yourself in isolation
    Developing fear out of it
    Oh why oh why oh why Scott?
    I'm just hopeless and give up
    A pain in the anus to them and myself
    Never will get to experience the joy of a girl like it was supposed to be
    The harsh reality I left myself in

    Should've listened
    "There is nothing"
    Concerned about temporary dialated pupils
    When it was about to be away
    And of what was looming around the corner
    Not even growing, of course
    This toughness to do anything here
    Forgotten, didn't realize what was at stake
    Could have treasured your embellished gift
    Right now, in peace
    Oh, dreaming if I was normal
    Just so wrong
    But the universe isn't even aware of us
    What do you expect?
    Got caught up in mentality and imagination
    Lost now
    Just a fraction
    They run free in their fevered egos
    But the one that quested the infinite potential each day with realization of infinite love, etc.
    That's the one that has his taken
    Forever fucking injured
    Ugh, I woke up
    Oh, live your life now and enjoy it
    As a shadow of your scope before
    Has the universe no justice?
    Of course it doesn't
    Let all the fevered egos taking risks run free in safety
    While he goes out only twice to have it all lost for himself and the world

    Couldn't hold on 'til then
    Oh 22, perfect
    Hate to wake to see my broken reality
    In my dreams there's still something there
    Can't handle
    Hopefully it'll be 22 when I can die
    Ready and willing
    Not now
    Fracturing of worth
    A new level of pointlessness of existing
    Memories of the painful reality torture me
    As the haze of infinite awareness mentality imagination is stripped since it happened
    A killer of myself
    Don't feel evolved enough now
    Feel like just an animal I denied I was
    Hope they all get injured like me
    So bitter
    Pull them into the horror I exist at
    Kill this whole world
    Then the suffering can end
    Oh, but it won't end
    So I'll be left to be tortured each day it remains

    Why I must be here now?
    No one, nothing there
    Oh, if it didn't happen
    Oh, if there was soothing past craving
    Mistake to deny
    But living would be bearable before the unconsciousness
    Get it over with
    See if there will be being still
    Ugh, it could have been sweet
    Relief a mystery
    Nothing of joyful surprise
    Yeah, I avoided that region's possibility
    Staying for them and some residual hope
    Stay for an event providing?
    For a possibility of extension forever?
    What to live for then
    While I wait for nothing to actually happen
    And fuck this whole coming into being
    If this was its fate, denial of every craving and then injury of what motivated existing
    Nothing'll be the same
    I won't take it
    Living to eat, watch it, and waiting for betterment possibility
    Sporadic 'aliveness'
    Just when can I go to sleep in hopes I won't wake
    But those are poor chances
    Started off on the wrong foot
    Now I plead for her
    But yeah right, right?
    Don't come right out
    Oh, hippie haze
    That we're all one self experiencing itself subjectivity
    Hippie haze killed my life
    Oh, before it happened
    Dead, when can I be dead
    Nothing gives a FUCK about me
    Should have never forgot the terrible reality of being alive
    Mudvayne, all at school
    But traded it for hippie idealism
    My great mistake
    So dumb I wanna bitchslap myself across the universe
    Chose your path, black and blue
    No point to live
    Hope he dies
    Why there had to be something
    Why I had to be
    Why there couldn't just be nothing
    My life obliterated in five minutes
    No reason
    No reason
    No reason
    The universe, just an infinite tragedy for ALL lifeforms
    Some get lucky
    I got lucky but wasted my luck
    Luck I may never get forever
    The curse of hippieism and denial
    When I woke up with lust for life
    15 years ago
    Could never get it together
    Until it was too late
    Never to get MY life back
    Would gladly take the jump
    But I'm forced to be here
    To repay them for their effort
    Wish my situation was different and had no others
    No one to have to exist for
  4. Will it ever?
    If it could be
    Dazed in the same setting
    What connections?
    Need a redo or a new beginning
    One thing to look forward
    Besiding non-duality of self
    No one would have restrained so excessively
    I stand it all
    Unknown, the self-imposed torture would spiral them into disbelief of shock
    Just to go back
    And be about joy, not repression
    Heaven for me, why couldn't I take it?
    Even this, to feel any happy
    But who wants wrecked goods?
    What attracted her
    The one thing I had, lost too
    Ripe for fun
    I restrained myself from having any as a child
    Oh, give me something
    Depleted heavily, even cannabis failing as a last resort
    I'll tell you what went wrong
    Desperate, didn't have a childhood and especially no teenage years
    Will you even respond?
    Redemption for the suffering absence and loss
    NO ONE to have fun with
    The taboo bliss
    Pretending I didn't need it
    Even now!?
    Was it 2007 the last time there was hope?

    Would enjoy every moment
    If it didn't happen
    If I could just know, and then have it relieved
    If there'd be a cessation of hearing that reminder
    Wouldn't be so, because I've had so little of attracting feel-good
    Waiting for a new avatar
    The prolific spawning of life out of the one energy source
    Consciousness, allowing one to see there was something
    Instead of nothing
    Always recalling it:
    There isn't a nothing, nothing itself is nothing
    And get it fucking right
    When I had my life possibilities in reach
    Chose to ignore and not try one
    Regress into myself and watch as they dwindle

    Hopefully it died
    Would ease this harshness
    Content while I may not even feel it!
    Wish he'd get injured seriously or die
    Just to feel a reduction of suffering
    Knowing they are in range of my plight
    'Cause I can't determine
    If we're each one and always going to be
    Then I'll accept this gracefully
    Just that one opportunity
    Guess it'll just be as if I never was
    As if there was never ANYTHING at ALL
    Except for my existing window right now
    Don't even give a shit 'cause I was too dumb
    So bright that I was pretentious and became stupid
    To be taken back
    To the first restraint
    Too aware, too much thinking about others's thinking
    Too fucking early
    Barely any allowance of experiencing feeling
  5. To never be for eternity
    Never escape
    Visual artifact
    No way out
    No one
    Nothing but showing
    Makes a break for it
    Using surficial formations, no care
    Fucked vibes
    Picked them up
    What caused this wreckage
    Irony, the desperation was seeking betterment
    But its effect is this
    Don't want this
    40 seasons of denial
    You'll never get another one
    Was a fool, couldn't be more fucked
    Have nobody
    Toying with an only beingness
    Broken, yet never got to feel it
    My own enemy, definitely
    Stuck, in blankness
    Trapped severely
    Past fucking text
    Making me hopeless combined with the suspense of if we're eternal
    The lifelong 24/7 suspense
    Waited until it was too late
    Sometimes hopeful, usually despaired
    Won't even
    Yet I keep living
    For one and something
    Watching life progress around me
    While stationary unending
    Created a miserable, miserable life for myself
    Drag myself another day in wretchedness of absence of pleasure/fun/feel-good

    Don't know how
    Open to effect
    Failing more and more
    To be of there
    When I had hope
    I brushed it away
    As if I was beyond feeling enjoyment
    Left the true enlightenment
    To feel good
    Never let myself
    Despite the aching reservoir of cravings
    Saying "hope is" when it was an inch away
    Guess this is my fucked life I brought myself
    Could have been beautiful
    If I just painted the picture with their knowingness
    But I had to act all-knowing
    Too late for me
    Had years of in-range joy
    But I had influences that derailed me
    Too dumb, just too fucking dumb
    Oldened, but I am empty of joy
    Of all the cravings
    Killed with the injury?
    No pleasure of lifeness, no pleasure of mentality activity lifeness
    But I go on
    To live in nothingness each day
    Can't even remember the cravings
    Oh, a female
    But how the fuck does that happen?
    I live in repressed and damaged solitude
    No connections
    A femality for me
    Ignored lifeness when it was all coming at you and was in you
    Regressed internally, to create a pattern of denial unbreakable
    Will I even feel Amanita?
    Live forever in self-scolding for forgetting I am a destructible body
    Scolded me
    And I fell for his bullshit
    Now I have to pay for it the rest of my life
    Let him get injured and see that what he thought was consciousness was just brain function no longer working
    A ****** brain

    Kill my dick
    Fuck it over my head
    Kill my dick
    Fuck it over my head
    Gonna go
    Nothing to fucking lose
    Was a retard motherfucking ******
    This is what I chose
    Paying each day
    More and more lost
    Less and less life
    Made my motherfucking bed
    Now you'll sleep in it, ****
    Caught in a purposeless self-induced prison
    "No future, no warning"
    Listen to the one that motivated the killing of me, great
  6. Unconsciousness damage
    Who cares?
    Let it fucking end
    Pray we're all one self
    Wake up one day and realize how it should have been
    Go, but where?
    The only thing to do
    Need caffeine to make another retard move?
    But what is left anyway?
    Death would be a release
    Would rather just have been a lower-evolved animal
    Then the reality I left myself to contend with
    Sit, stare and tap
    Is all

    Did I have to wake from the unconsciousness?
    Dazed, ringing and unable to experience effects
    What a loss
    Altered to limitation of aliveness
    Oh, I knew it
    He didn't die
    Just me
    Another day existing is another to regret
    And another day with the suspense
    Another day to dream about having a female I don't know how to find
    Another to realize why my life is fucked
    And I don't want to live
    I wouldn't have wanted to live
    If this was going to be living
    Hurts too much, how it was actually easy to have had a nice life
    But I couldn't see what really mattered
    Hurts too much, to have to constantly see this now
    Penile sensation diminished
    Orgasm quality reduced
    It devastated my body
    Broke what was left of my life
    Now is appropriate, not 2005 you fucking moronic piece of horseshit retard
    Now is fitting - "hope is?"
    Too void of understanding back then
    Suffering allowing profound depth, but couldn't see what it was going to leave me
    When it really became reality
    Nothing to fuck with
    If you're happy, god-fuck, don't disturb it
    Precious, so precious
    Not to be toyed with
    A miracle in a chaotic, random, all possibilities occuring reality to be happy
    And you were and yet you explored the wrong domain, went the wrong direction
    BUT you did
    And fucking left me to be trapped in absolute nothingness
    Don't wanna wake in the morning
    It's a bad dream
    When I awake
    A sad happening when I wake to a wrecked existence
    Don't make me
    'Cause the damage is too great
    I'd rather not know it anymore
    Can't stand the sickening noise
    Don't believe it can get better
    Just stuck, no connections
    No life, fucked body, impaired brain
    It isn't right
    Too early to lose
    I never even got to use my body to feel good
    It's just fucked in every way
    Too horrible to contend with
    Unfair I can't suicide
    But I don't want to impose suffering on them
    So I'm fucked
    Abyss of existence, edge of existence
    Worthless to my self, the world
    Guess I was destined to failure
    When I hid under the table, watching
    When I'd hold the grudge and go silent and away from everyone as a child
    I already was dying
    Choosing torment over feeling good
    Not being here
    Oh, never being
    I dream of nothingness
    But I'm awake in an instant, disappointing
    Sad, oh why it had to be like this
    Oh why the 21st had to happen
    Now a new level of nothing to live for
    More and more last resorts falling through
    Hate myself, that I couldn't even preserve myself
    Couldn't preserve what was left
    Fucking restrain my life to live in nothingness
    But you make it worse
    How could it get worse
    Just didn't see it coming
    Yeah and don't talk, bitch
    Maybe I still will
    Hate to have to live with that my life could have been great
    Now dead
    Can't say I'm what I was
    God, don't wake me
    God, take me
    Don't let me live another pointless day
    Joyless, alone
    Don't do it

    One chance
    You couldn't take it
    'Cause I'd make it ALL wonderful if I just was back then
    Oh, this cruel reality
    Feel so bad, for her
    Showing me fun
    Injecting me with liveliness
    To squander
    And become a depressed suicidal retard pointlessly
    Oh, it's NOT right
    But I just couldn't see what I was doing
    His influence NOT good for me
    Felt alone, in seeking feel good
    Oh, I'd show the shit out of what I needed
    If I could get a second chance
    Woken up, taken 21 years?
    But now I'm here
    May never get another chance, let alone second chance
    Couldn't take what was in front of you
    Couldn't do shit, convinced yourself you couldn't
    Like a retardant faggotism anus
    Now, with nothing
    Nothing but coffee
    Reality not letting me make it right
    Saddened to the core
    I'll tell you why I was really depressed
    Simple denial of needing of feel good connection to femality and liveliness
    But what does it matter now?
    Too late
  7. Not living
    No longer remotely alive

    Adaptation via forgetfulness to the loss
    Memory of ability to explain into the infinite
    The strength
    Hazed, forgetful
    Stillness, silence, pure consciousness?
    Sounding too good to be true
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