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Writting the letter

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gothic_spleen, Apr 2, 2010.

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  1. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    So after a long battle, i sit here writting the letter. Its a long letter, mostly to my mother, but also to my friends. I break down everytime i switch to a new paragraph for a new person...

    Im just so tired....Tired of pain, tired of life , and tired of a wasted existence.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    please don't hurt yourself.....
    get more help....try and try and try to stay....
    I know you are tired and sick of it all and hurting bad but it sounds like you really care about people in your life and dont want to hurt them...
    suicide will hurt them beyond your imaginings.....
    I am living this "nightmare after suicide" myself...
    I hope you'll keep posting and find some support here through talking it out...
    suicide is not the answer....
    stay safe....
  3. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Gothic spleen, did you let them know about the gun?

    What happened between seeing therapist and now?
  4. carter001

    carter001 Active Member

    gothic_spleen please take care of yourself....Life can be hard and I've written many letters in my life but suicide is not the answer.Just take it day by day and I promise things can get better.

    Everyone here cares about you.

    Take care :smile:
  5. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    they know I have firearms...Locked in a digital key coded safe. Only I know the combo..and the safe weighs 900 pounds...

    Im not there yet, its coming, im still talking, but i am very tired. Im just writing the letter in case i loose it..."Be prepared"?
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    You don't drink do you?
  7. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    I do but not right now...I need to finish this letter. Im going to have a nice meal with my friends, hell I am even gonna dress up tonight. Im going to DJ my last set, and as the club night closes, I will say my goodbyes, and then go home and drink....lots...

    but to answer your question...im not drinking right now.
  8. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    your Mr. Cop right?

    That's sounds all nice and dandy but REALLY, to sit here and type that you are then going to come home and drink lots....doesn't sound like the plan we had in mind.....

    how 'bout you go tonite DJ some good music tonite my good friend....wave to the pretty girls and log in tonite and share your nite before you just DRINK it to the shits....you know what i mean? The same people you handcuff and transport to DBT......sound familiar

    We are ALL here or each oher so that is an honorabe thing....no badges to show for it but our word.
  9. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    ahh but I am no longer a cop...

    The shooting took it all out of me. I can never return to that line of work due to BPD/PTSD...almost all of my education and everything I have ever worked for...Gone!
  10. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    now I remember, yu never mentoned the PTSD part....that's a huge factor. Would you at least promise....althought men break hearts easily........promise to enjoy the music ....come home....log on an share with us how you are feeling etc? It's that simple....we can't make you but that is what is available to you......
  11. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    I will say that I will try....still trying to finish this damn letter...6 pages already, it would help if I could quit breaking down every three lines.
  12. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    TRY with a honorabl intension is appreciated. Okay, I know that feeling of writing that letter.....perhaps when you're done...read it over and over and step back think about the REALITY of that scenerio......

    I don't sleep til late so I will check to see if logged on.
  13. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    Well I finished the letter....Oh and my DJ gig got pushed to saturday night...thats ok, gives me another day.
  14. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Good. will you be able to just step back and rethink things for a moment or two....
  15. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    except the more i think, the more i analyze, the more I understand that there are no options left....so tonight i plan to chill, enjoy some things that i like, music food and movies, and the net.
  16. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I know ,us over analytical people are our own worst enemy.

    Just focus on the moment in front of you...

    What kind of food do you like?
    Net= SF ;-) just messing with ya.
  17. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    well i just fixed my favorite breakfest

    I made scrambled eggs, fried Bologna, sausage, and bacon. Fried hashbrowns, and buttermilk buiscuits...figured id better eat well...
  18. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    What? isn't it dinner time? You better run 10 miles after eating that! ;-)
  19. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    true...i should...

    just thinking of walking to see the city tonight...Minneapolis is such a beautiful city. I 35 W bridge...one of the most beautiful constructions in the city.

    and the weather is perfect...thats a good idea.
  20. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    walk in the city is nice. I live near the water so I might just go and take a walk myself since I've cause some drama tonite.

    love the sounds of cars driving and the city lights...
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