wrong place?

I've never admitted to anyone that i'm potentially suicidal. The thoughts come and go, depending on what's going on in my life or depending on how distracted I am. I've never admitted it to anyone. I always figured that if I got to the point where I felt that suicide was imminent, I would just disappear. Do it somewhere far away where no one could find me. No one has to feel guilty, no one has to know that it was by my own doing, no one has to find me, no self-doubt. I've always known that I would do it, but never when, because I've always retained hope that something will change, that I could change things. That things will get better.

The end has never felt as close as it does lately. That hope is dwindling fast, because nothing really improves.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this either. I don't know how to live, I guess, and dying just seems better than living in misery. I have no motivation anymore, no sense of humour, no energy. I just live a dour, meaningless existence.

My close friends aren't that close anymore. And I pushed away someone who I cared about deeply. He can't stand me anymore. Has had enough of me, apparently. And I worry that all my future relationships will end exactly like this. And I feel like a horrible person. I don't want to get close to people, and even if I did, I feel so low and lacking in energy, that I'm not exactly a magnet for new people. I just spend a lot of time alone now. Hating myself and feeling unhappy.

I'm probably not as depressed as some. I still get up in the morning, I still function, but I just feel dead, like I'm just going through the motions.

I wish there were a miracle drug that could undo it all. Imbue me with the knowledge of how to make myself happy. Have fun again. Be wacky and stupid, and motivated and driven.

I'm not even sure if this is the right place for me to post, so I apologize if it isn't. I was hoping to find an online "hotline" to talk to someone, but it doesn't seem like they're out there, and i'm too afraid to call the local ones in case someone recognizes my voice. I'm not sure what I want... I'm not even sure that anyone can say anything to make it better at this point. But I thought i'd at least get it off my chest. Make tangible what i've only ever admitted to myself.

I don't know. help?

 

Youve come to the right place. Most people here feel or have felt exactly like you do, for whatever reasons.

From what Im reading of you, despite how things are going now and you talking about feeling suicidal, you seem to have a strong desire for things to change, a lust for life. It seems to me you are looking for something to 'rekindle your fire' more than anything else. I feel a lot like you do, but to a lesser degree fortunately.

I think that first you should try to find the root of your problems. Why have you lost the energy and motivation, what is it that youre missing or are unhappy with? Can you envision a scenario in which you would feel better, an alternate reality in which you wouldnt feel so bad and have the energy to live again? And are there any concrete things in your life you could change for the better?

Also, if you really feel the need to call a hotline and talk to someone, just go ahead and do so. First of all, they will probably not recognize you, and even if they do, who cares? They are there to help you, and Im sure that should they recognize your voice they would be very discrete about it.

Taking the step to get your feelings of your chest and put them into words was a good step in any case, it will help to bring some order to chaos. And you cant solve intangible problems, you first have to make them real and concrete to begin finding a possible solution.

Im here to listen if you want to talk, and Ill try to do whatever is in my power to help you change things for the better. Peace, friend.