seriously, why the eff do i do this sh!t. why can't i stop. well, i'm sure i will eventually, replace it with some other crap that's bad for me. like i have been doing forever. started w cutting or maybe pot, hard to remember which came 1st. then harder drugs, which almost got out of hand. then cutting and drugs. and now bulimia. i wish i could just keep doing drugs, but i'm eventually going to have to take a drug test, which could happen any time btwn now and 4 years from now (not sure at what point in my education/career this will come up, but it inevitably will). oh, and given my current education/eventual career, i really should know better than to do any of this sh!t. i know in excruciating detail how much i am f*cking up my body, how stupid what i'm doing is. on the other hand, i know very well how to minimize the permanent damage from what i do, making it easier to justify to myself, in spite of the fact that i know how and why bulimia eats away at pretty much every organ, how stupid what i've done and what i do is. i hate how much i have destroyed myself in everything i've done. i know i'm addicted to the endorphin rush i get from bulimia. maybe this should be in the substance abuse forum, because i am first and foremost a drug addict. bulimia is my current drug of choice. unfortunately, it is the most unhealthy addiction i've had, and it's destroying me. and yet, i am successfully keeping up my usual front. i wish i had the courage to get help. i have the resources (through my school), but i can't. or maybe i won't. yea... the best part is, i really don't know what's wrong with me.