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wtf am i doing

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Well-Known Member
seriously, why the eff do i do this sh!t. why can't i stop. well, i'm sure i will eventually, replace it with some other crap that's bad for me. like i have been doing forever. started w cutting or maybe pot, hard to remember which came 1st. then harder drugs, which almost got out of hand. then cutting and drugs. and now bulimia. i wish i could just keep doing drugs, but i'm eventually going to have to take a drug test, which could happen any time btwn now and 4 years from now (not sure at what point in my education/career this will come up, but it inevitably will). oh, and given my current education/eventual career, i really should know better than to do any of this sh!t. i know in excruciating detail how much i am f*cking up my body, how stupid what i'm doing is. on the other hand, i know very well how to minimize the permanent damage from what i do, making it easier to justify to myself, in spite of the fact that i know how and why bulimia eats away at pretty much every organ, how stupid what i've done and what i do is. i hate how much i have destroyed myself in everything i've done. i know i'm addicted to the endorphin rush i get from bulimia. maybe this should be in the substance abuse forum, because i am first and foremost a drug addict. bulimia is my current drug of choice. unfortunately, it is the most unhealthy addiction i've had, and it's destroying me. and yet, i am successfully keeping up my usual front. i wish i had the courage to get help. i have the resources (through my school), but i can't. or maybe i won't. yea... the best part is, i really don't know what's wrong with me.


Staff Alumni
What you are doing is rather usual, self-medicating because the pain is so great...is there professional support which can help you stop? It is a very difficult task to do it on your own...please know that you are not a bad person; you are doing something so that you can get by, but I found it was not until I set the goal of actually living, and making the committment to look at what is making me ashamed, etc. that I was able to become sober...please be kind and understanding to yourself...and keep posting and letting us know how you are...J

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
i know hun self hatred god i do know The only way out hun is to get that support for you okay get professional help and start healing NOW hun
Talk to someone at your school and get the process of healing started I know you hate you but you don't deserve that hate hun you don't
You deserve compassion care and healing hun hugs
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