college. wonderful. i get to learn for four more years so that i can be old and know stuff when i get out. i'm being sarcastic. in reality, i'm sick of college and i havent even been here for 2 months. i want to give up, but my parents wont let me, and i was thinking that i might go insane very soon. an escape would be suicide. imagine, all my worries, expectations, etc.. they'd all be over. the only reason i havent yet is because i sorta like this sick world when i'm not doing what i'm "supposed" to be doing. i want to be a rockstar or a hunter-gatherer. not a computer major. but that's not going to work. i cant really imagine myself with any future except death. and because i dont really want to ever know that future... also, i am a loser. i feel like i'm losing all of my friends, and am not making any new ones because i have kind of a social anxiety. infact, i have a permanent anxiety that might require medication, but i'm lucky that i also have ADD b/c it's easy for me to get off task and do things that i actually enjoy. but in the "long run" (which i wish there wasnt) that isn't good. even when i'm happy i still kind of hope that some terrible accident will happen resulting in my death. basically i feel like my brain is just one big mess and i need to clean it up by splattering it all over the wall?