Wtf is wrong with me

[Mehh]

For a long while now, I have been going through feeling the worst anger and bitterness at the whole world and everyone in it, to feeling just dead inside and wanting to just put an end to this non stop feeling of misery.

I have cancer, and I've been battling it for a few years now, but its spreading and things just seem bleak. My family try their best to keep me positive, but I'm not, and have to pretend I am for their benefit.

My bf has been great, and has always gone out of his way to try and cheer me up when I'm down, and take my mind off things....but we've not been getting on lately. I lash out at him, and hes bearing the full brunt of it. I don't mean to, but now I feel hes had enough. He asks every day how I'm feeling, but thats pretty much the extent of his interest. If I simply say ''ok'' he leaves it at that. I told him last week about the latest results of my cancer (which werent too good) and his only response was ''ok''.
I feel like I've worn him down, and its all just 'run of the mill' and boring to him now.

I feel so desperately alone and sad. I don't want to go on feeling like this. I'm turning the few people I love dearly against me, and the fact I just can't seem to snap out of this is becoming a burden on them.

I don't want to do anything and leave anyone upset or angry at me, but I don't want to go on feeling this way. I just wish there was someone who totally ''gets'' me, knows where I'm coming from

 

[Speedy]

Best of luck to you in the battle against this cancer.

 

[Terry]

I watched cancer take my strong, fun loving dad and turn him into someone I didnt recognise.
Like yourself, he tried to keep it all to himself and wouldnt share his fears.
I have no answers, but I can listen and will listen gladly, my pm box is always open, please use it. :hug:

 

[Isabel]

Hi,

I was just wondering if there would not be a support group you could join where you could share openly your feelings? You and your bf have so much to cope with that it must feel overwhelming. With an experience as intense as the one you are going through, sometimes only people who have been there can really get you. In any case, I hope you'll find some support here as well.

 

[Sadeyes]

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I truly understand...I have a chronic degenerative neuological condition, and when I am asked how I am, and I say, not well, I am remiss because I did not go to the doctor (please note, I see at least 2 doctors per week) or maybe I should________. There are always suggestions, most of which imply I have been negectful (not intended but nonetheless, painful). I also feel I have burdened by friends. I do not ask for things I need because I do not want to ask for another thing...I think these are the experiences of having a disorder ppl who care about you cannot fix...it saddens them, and they act in strange ways...I am so sorry you are experiencing this as well, but know you are worth other ppl's efforts...J

 

[Mehh]

Thank you all for your kind words :hug: