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urgh im soooo fucking close to topping myself right now, i can't fucking handle this anymore. I care so fucking much for people that i've self harmed over them before, more than once. Fucking talked them out of topping themselfs so many times, and right now i feel hated for even doing it.

Arggggggghhhh why can't i fucking just die!!!!! why cant someone just fucking kill me right now!!!

FOr fucking days i've been tempted to just go OD and hope it does the trick and i havent for people here, people i love and care about. Even thats starting to wear off, i should of never come back here, i should of just kept quite like i had before. There is nothing holding me back now, i thought there was a few people that could ever talk me out of it, im not even sure about that. Guess its a good thing that the contact i had with all of them aint what it use to be, makes it easier to do it right.

Yeah i promised someone i wouldn't kill myself but whats it matter to them or anyone, its just another statistic. There hell bent on carrying on the way they are, so i might aswell fucking be dead. It MAY hurt a few people. Key word being MAY. People i care about have been hurting in the past, but every fucking day i get hurt. Every fucking day and i can't take the shit no more!! i can't. I didnt do anything on that day because of people here. One in particular, trying not to hurt them. That day don't matter know. I can't hurt anyone if im not around right!? cut contact, do it, no one on here gets hurt because that don't know how i am and won't hear from me.

Months i've gone without ODing, tonight will be the final one. Im sick of it, im sick of not being able to sleep. Im sick of having dreams, even having dreams of people here killing themselfs infront of me. Having visions of my own brother carving a word into my back then slashing my throat. How fucked is that!!!

Can you call anyone here a friend???? i aint even sure now. There was a time i thought i could. People i could talk to anytime, about anything. Now i can't talk about anything to anyone.

Well my cutting knifes gone, my mum found it and took it back, she found my burning one aswell. Managed to keep that one tho. Just gonna burn over and over and over and over again today. Until later. I deserve it, i deserve the pain, i deserve the emotional pain. Im gonna die soon or later. Might aswell make it alot sooner than anyone anticipated.

Song i got from someone, suits well: ''For all the times, For all the cries, For all the pain I’ve caused, I apologize''

Im sorry
:hug: you havent caused me any pain. but if you kill yourself then you will. no one here wants you to die, and many people are that would try to talk you out of it. :hug:
Whats it matter anymore, whats anything matter anymore.

I cant handle being hurt anymore. Watching people i care about feeling so down and not be able to do anything about it. Im so fucking worried about people. More than you know. So much that sometimes i can't sleep.

Now i don't even know if someone i care about is safe or not, aint got a text back and im freaking.

Nothing matters anymore. Im done.
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Staff Alumni
vikki there is no MAY about any of this. It will. Step back awhile and breathe. Please stay safe. You do matter, not only to us, but to yourself as well. :hug:


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Vikki I don't know what the hell is going on but I gather you have spoken to Ester. She is drinking I know and hell bent on cutting herself off from everyone, but she is still emailing me. Please stop worrying about her and let me deal with it.

Am going to msn you till I get you online cos I do bloody care if you weren't there!!! You were one of the first people I met when I came on this site and helped me more than you know to come to terms with what had happened in my life.

Stay safe and know you do have friends and YOU MATTER !!!!
Nope i havn't spoken to Ester in awhile. Argh just ignore me, im use to it lol. No point talking about it really. No point what so ever.

Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
Vikki, I care for you and I'm sorry things have to be like this. you ARE worth this life and you ARE cared for and loved. Please don't do anything you'll regret later on. :hug:
How could i possibly regret something if im not here? maybe i'll hurt a few people but im sure they'd get over it.

Worrying about people on a daily basis. I can't take it, wether im here or not the worry is allways there, day and night. Wether i talk to the person or not. It doesn't go away. They say their fine but i know for a fact their not. What am i meant to do???

Meh whatever it don't matter now does it. Guess its time i took the route of self destruction. The only reason i didn't attempt after i started this thread was because R (some peeps will know who im talking about) put me in a better mood. Maybe its best to stay away from him for awhile, then he can't stop me. I thought i wouldn't so anything because it would hurt people on here, day by day that decreases. All i'll have to do is just disappear again and not reply to texts. I shouldn't of replied to that text and i shouldn't of replied to that email, or that thread. I should of just gone and then none of you would of known. No one would know if i was dead. There are people here who i harmed myself over, because i worry so fucking much! say their fine when i fucking know they aint. Allways wanted me to be open with them about how i was feeling. Load of bullshit. Thats how i feel right now.

Empty house. No one back for a few hours. The only thing thats stopping me doing anything right here right now is the fact that my little brother is comming home today and i wouldnt want him to find me. But then again theres a place i can go that no one would find me till its too late. 2 min walk away. Fuck it. I don't give a shit anymore. People on here fuck with my heads so much, want one thing, then do another. Its fucking with my head. Get too close, pull back. Come back, pull back again. Maybe i should leave this site, then they cant be around me. That what you want??

Right now i feel like everything that has ever been said to me is a load of bollocks. I care so much for people here, more than you could ever realise. It fucking hurts! This is my problem i get far too close to people and then get hurt. I KNEW i was gonna get hurt, was told i wouldn't and look what happened. I said i couldn't be hurt ever again, not like before and this is the same fucking thing. I said when i got hurt like that again it was the end for me, i said it time and time again. Now its time. Now im off the edge and im falling and now i gotta make sure i hit the floor with a fucking BANG! so i never have to go through this again because i won't be here!!
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I know it seems like this is the only option and that letting go would be so easy, but think about there is no definitive other side, you don't' know if you would be happier, for all you know you could be stuck in limbo, stuck in hell and wish you could take back dying. I know you feel like life is just one big cesspool and oyu just want out but people love you vikki, people truly love you and care about you whether you see it or not. I know the darkness is overwhelming honey, but take a step back breath. If you have to step away, step away, take a break but don't and im begging you please don't do anything that is permanent. More people will be crushed than you think. I love you honey.

Viks, we love you and we can see the future victory in you even if you can't. It'll get better, hang in there Hun, please. It is worth it, knowing that you tried your best thru life which is a huge accomplishment on your part, you will feel the peace inside you that you are looking for. Please, please know I am here for you Hun. :hug: :hug: :hug:


Staff Alumni
Vikks, please, please hold on ok. I know you have the strength to make it. Im not sure about the situation in the U.K, but here we have mental health crisis support teams...please reach out to them, please. Whats it gonna hurt? ask yourself that question. Im sure there is something like that over there.
Matt its to late, im sorry. Its gone too far. No coming back from this. Trust me this is as bad as i've got and will ever be because it ends here.
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