this is really long, so bear with me. i'm 18 right now. im going to be a sophomore in college in sept. the last two years have been the worst. ive had feelings of suicide since i was in 8th grade. I think it all started when people started to make fun of me for my name. thinking back on it, i was being overdramatic, but at the time, it was a lot for me to take. kids were really mean, i remember one time i walked into a classroom to give a message to a teacher and all the kids were making fun of my name and the teacher didnt do anything to stop it, in fact he laughed along. i remember going into the bathroom and just crying for half an hour. i felt so alone. things didnt get any better in high school. when i was in 9th grade i was secretly (because of my overprotective parents) dating a boy who went to a different school. i went on a vacation for winter break and when i came back i found out that he had sex with my best friend. after that, everything just really went downhill. I started to cut. i think i did it the first time just to see what it felt like and to play the part of the "emo" girl. But things started to get really bad with my parents and i began cutting as a legitimate release. my parents had always had problems at home. i dont think they ever said "i love you" to one another. but that didnt really affect me at the time. i thought that was a normal thing between spouses. but my parents were increadibly overprotective. i didnt go to a party other than a supervised birthday party until college. that really sucked. my sophomore year of high school is kind of a blur. i lost my virginity to this guy in his car and then he ignored me. but i think things eventually got better because i was hanging out with a different group of people, but i never really fit in anywhere. i'll admit that ive always tried to fit into a "cool" group of people and a lot of times i forgot who i really was. and a lot of times that caused me a lot of stress and anger. my junior year was terrible and amazing at the same time. school was increadible stressful. but i started to date (who i thought was) the most amazing boy ive ever met. we dated all the way through my senior year of high school, until i went to college. and i was a dumbass and i broke up with him. i think that could have been the biggest mistake ive made this far in my life. during my senior year of high school, my dad got caught cheating on my mom with a girl who was half his age. he still wont admit it was wrong. he spent all of our money on her. he bought her a rolex, a diamond ring, was paying her rent, and bought her a cell phone. she worked at a jewelery store and one day he told me that he wanted to buy me diamond earings and took me to the store she worked at. at the time i didnt know my dad was dating her. one night my mom and dad got in a really bad fight and my mom took a knife and slit her wrist pretty bad in front of me and my dad. but still, none of the home stuff really bothered me. when i got to college, i was pretty unhappy in my relationship with my boyfriend because he was really attention-needy- sometimes i felt like i was his mom, it was tiring. we now lived two hours apart and all my friends were telling me to break up with him. i have a really weak personality so i listened to them and broke up with him in the most fucked up way. i ignored him for two days and then called him and told him that i just didnt love him anymore. i cant believe i would do such a fucked up thing to anyone, especially someone i dated for over a year and a half. everything was going fine until about a month into school when i looked at his facebook and saw pictures of him partying (which he was never really into before) and kissing another girl. i was so hurt, even though he had everyright to do that. i called him and he was so non-chalant about it. i started to seriously go isane. i was calling him everynight, i would cry. i would get drunk to stop thinking about him, but i would end up calling him and crying. school started to get really bad. i was in a major that i hated. my parents were really fucked up and we didnt have enough money to pay tuition. i go to a school thats $50,000 a year, so people there have money and i always felt so left out when they would go shopping or go to dinner or talk about money in general. i would dream about ways to just make it all end. to get really drunk and just take a bunch of ambien. or driving my car into the marina by my school. anything. i just wanted to get away from everything. i wanted to get out. i would go home to see my ex-b/f but i would just cry and cry and cry in front of him. i got an eyebrow piercing (which i hid from my parents) and my ex b/f hated it and made that very clear. one time i came down to see him and he told me he would call me after soccer practice and we would hang out. i waited for his call for 5 hours. i just drove around and parked and drove around again. i called him around 60 times. he rejected me again. all he had to do was send a text that said "hey, i cant hang out tonight." i cried so hard that night. i felt SO ugly. the girl he was dating was really unattractive, but it seemed that he still chose her over me. around late november he told me he wasnt dating her anymore and him and i started to talk again. december 5th 2008 (wow, i still remember the day) would have been 22 months that i was together with my ex b/f. i rmember this because i was writing an english paper and i looked at his myspace and his background picture was changed to him kissing the same girl. but i was unphased. i expected this from him. i stopped talking to him. i went home for winter break and didnt talk to him until 2 weeks after i had been home. he said he wasnt dating that girl anymore and we were getting along really well. i went back to school, i though things were getting better. i was on a mission to make things better. i joined a sorority (this probably saved my life). i found some really amazing friends. i went home right before valentines day and i got my ear pierced with an industrial bar (i had taken my eyebrow ring out for good) and again, my ex b/f made me feel so bad for it. we talked a little about valentines day. the day after i went back up to school, i looked at his myspace and he un-added me as a friend and made his default picture of him and the same girl. i just ignored him until i went on spring break in cabo san lucas in march. this was a really weird point. i called my ex b/f and cried to him for making me feel so ugly. i used to have confidence (or at least be able to fake it) but now i really couldnt even do that. i was so down on myself. i was still cutting. everything just really sucked. but i had an epiphany while i was laying on the beach. i was listening to the acoustic version of "who i am hates who ive been" and the bridge was playing and i realized that nothing in the world matters. i had always kind of thought that i needed to be rich when i was older but everyhting changed in those 10 seconds. i got a tattoo while i was down there and my tattoo guy was really hot, haha. i ended up seeing him at one of the clubs that night and we made out i went back to his apartment. we didnt have sex but we were pretty close to it. but he was saying the most amazing things to me, things that i needed to hear, like "youre so beautiful" "your ass is great". somewhere in that week i became friends with my ex b/f again. i came back from cabo a totally different person. everything in my life seemed fake now. i just didnt worry about anything. i figured that i would just go through the motions until i was either killed or something amazng happened. meanwhile, my mom was busy bugging my dad every 5 seconds and being crazy so he didnt really work at all and my mom just doesnt like working. so we have NO money. i still cant register for next semester because i cant pay my tuition. thats been really stressful. finally, summer came and ive been working at the same job as my ex b/f and we've been on REAlLY good terms. we flirt and hang out basically everynight, and we've been hooking up again. he jsut had his senior prom (he's a grade younger than me) and i really wanted him to take me. he swore up and down that he didnt take anybody else, he told me 3470932580948 times that he went alone. i believed him eventually. we became myspace friends again (after me yelling at him for deleting me a thouasnd times). i went on his myspace last night and everythign was fine. he had been acting weird the last few days. i went on his myspace tongiht and i was again deleted as a friend and it was a picture of him and the same girl at prom as his default. the same thing he had done before, he did again. i know that i should just let this go. but i cant. im too fucking stupid and attached. and i dont know what to do. i just dont want to feel anything anymore. i just want everyhintg to fuckign end. i hate the way i feel. im sick of being happy because i know that right after that i'll be sad again. i feel so alone. i dont tell anyone whats going on in my head or how i feel becaue i realluy dont think anyone gives a shit. i cry so much. my eyes are always puffy. i feel so ugly no matter what. i just dont even bother trying to look good anymore. fuck. i hate this. i want this shit to jsut fucking end. i feel so unwanted and lonely.