ok so i dont have the enrgy to go into all the details so lets just see if this makes sense by the time i finish it...i guess im writing it because im really genuinely confused although i guess no one can be expected to have a logical answer and maybe it will be clearer once i finish though i doubt it. so i have this friend, who doesnt like me SIing at all. she also knows about how i feel, well basically she knows more than anyone else in the whole world about me. she's talked me out of suicide and even SIing so so many times. and she's the main reason i'm trying to put that behind me. She also tries to tell me good things about myself. Things that I know are not true. They can't be. they are just not true. and i say this but she keeps persisting. I know it must be tiring and frustrating for her, it is for me. i want to see them but i just cant see what she's saying as the truth. Because its not. I am a bad person. i know this. i dont need anyone telling me otherwise. i need to be punished. i know this too. I'm 6 days (yes i know its not much) SI free and its killing me. Because I NEED to be punished. and i need to die, be eliminated from the world. but i know that would be selfish and hurt others so for now living is my punishment. living and not even being able to cut. or burn. or od. even scratch. goddamnit. im upsetting her. and hurting her. by not being able to accept what she's saying. by not getting better. so surely i deserve it. Don't i deserve to bleed, to hurt??? But then that hurts her too. And she'd know. she's impossible to lie to. oh for gods sake..how can i let myself get away with this?