wtf???!!

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by kindtosnails, Nov 22, 2006.

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  1. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    ok so i dont have the enrgy to go into all the details so lets just see if this makes sense by the time i finish it...i guess im writing it because im really genuinely confused although i guess no one can be expected to have a logical answer and maybe it will be clearer once i finish though i doubt it.

    so i have this friend, who doesnt like me SIing at all. she also knows about how i feel, well basically she knows more than anyone else in the whole world about me. she's talked me out of suicide and even SIing so so many times. and she's the main reason i'm trying to put that behind me. She also tries to tell me good things about myself. Things that I know are not true. They can't be. they are just not true. and i say this but she keeps persisting. I know it must be tiring and frustrating for her, it is for me. i want to see them but i just cant see what she's saying as the truth. Because its not. I am a bad person. i know this. i dont need anyone telling me otherwise. i need to be punished. i know this too. I'm 6 days (yes i know its not much) SI free and its killing me. Because I NEED to be punished. and i need to die, be eliminated from the world. but i know that would be selfish and hurt others so for now living is my punishment. living and not even being able to cut. or burn. or od. even scratch. goddamnit. im upsetting her. and hurting her. by not being able to accept what she's saying. by not getting better. so surely i deserve it. Don't i deserve to bleed, to hurt??? But then that hurts her too. And she'd know. she's impossible to lie to. oh for gods sake..how can i let myself get away with this?
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    hun if you were this terrible person that you think you are, would you have this wonderful friend?

    Remember Muffin, like attracts like, so if she's a good one then so must you be!!!

    And just think of all the people that care about you on here, would we waste our time with someone we thought was bad or evil NO !!!
     
  3. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    But you don't know why i'm bad..why i need to be punished. trust me, i do. its just if i punish myself, that hurts her, but i cant just let it go. aggh and no i'm not worth your time. that just reinforces how horrible i am. im sorry.
     
  4. itachi

    itachi Well-Known Member

    Pshh! Not worth our time Whatever

    Blueberry you are worth every second of every day from now until the end of time!
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun, there isn't anything I can think of that would make me think badly of you.
     
  6. itachi

    itachi Well-Known Member

    Same Here
     
  7. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    you don't know that. i bet you'd think differently if i told you, both of you. not that it matters. now i've hurt her. like i always do. now tell me..why am i bothering to stay alive? and why am i stopping myself from doing what i deserve? because i really dont think you will be able to convince me. anyway don't bother..that was an unfair question. sorry.
     
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