xanax and a mental institution...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by lavieenrose, Feb 25, 2009.

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  1. lavieenrose

    lavieenrose New Member

    Hi all. This is my first post, and I thought I'd start by sharing my own "survival" story. (I never intended to survive...) Anyhow it’s long, so feel free to move on if you don’t feel like reading.

    After several months of self-inflicted wounds, excessive and illicit drug and alcohol addiction, arrests followed by 2 felony convictions, and every other thing imaginable to hurt myself and end my pointless life, I finally turned to <methods> in July of 1995. The plan was simple: <methods> Easy. Painless. Enough to do the trick.

    Ten hours later, I was in a coma. I spent 4 days in a coma; it was unclear whether I was going to survive. I awoke in a hospital bed, in restraints. "Am I dead, is this hell?" - I would ask myself for two more days while I slowly came out of the sick and intense cloud of a prescription overdose, and anyone who has been through a prescription overdose knows exactly what I mean...

    From there, I was sent to a wonderfully despicable state hospital in Tinley Park, IL. I had never been so angry in my entire life. This wasn’t a f*cking cry for help - I was DONE, I wanted to be DONE, and I pursued suicide in the most assured way I could think of. Had I owned a gun that day, I wouldn’t be writing this today... I cannot describe how incredibly pissed off I was, and I know many of you understand that sick f*cking anger that comes with waking up in a daze realizing you survived suicide.


    I am now 33 years old. I would be remiss if I didnt state that 6 out of 7 days of the week, I am now glad I survived. But that ONE day of the week still comes, where I contemplate and plan all over again. I have journals FILLED with this sh*t. Plan after plan.

    The seed is still there, and it will always be there, and I am afraid one day, One Day, soon, I will water the seed and successfully kill myself.

    If you tried to kill yourself and it didn’t work, I get it. It actually gets better over time (like, say, a decade??) But for most of us, the desire will Always be there, sitting dormant, like a seed waiting to be sown.

    Peace. And Good Luck.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2009
  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi there & welcome to SF,

    It can be such a cliche when people say things get better with time. To me, a depressed & suicidal person, I tend not to believe them.

    I'm glad you are still here & sharing your story with us. You'll find a lot of people here will be able to relate..I can relate.

    Take care hun, Claire xx
  3. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member


    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I appreciate it :hug:
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey lavieen,
    Thanks for telling us what you went thru. You show courage to come on here and tell strangers your story. I am sure you will find quite a few of us who can relate to you. Many of us have tried at least once to end it..I am afraid to go back in the hospital because I have been there ten times over the last fifteen years. My last visit they threatened to send me to State.
    I don't want anything to do with State because I have heard some pretty scarrey stories about that place..You loose all your rights and have to do everything they tell you..They want to do ECT on me and I won't let them,if I went to State I wouldn't be able to say no!! Feel free to PM any of us, we will listen and try and support you..And welcome to the forum!!
  5. lavieenrose

    lavieenrose New Member

    Thanks Stranger1. Agreed. I have been to a few private facilities over the past decade - but the state hospital I was sentanced (I personally consider it a sentance) to in 95 was the most horrible experience of my life - everything you say is true - you have no rights, you are stripped of any kind of free will, the "doctors" are completely unqualified, the orderlys - forget it! - and I had a licensed social worker tell me every day that I wouldnt be getting out of there for a verrry long time. After a while, it took my Mother to come there and sign official documents stating that if I did anything to harm myself or anyone else, she would be held fully responsible. Thank god for my mother; she signed them and I left.

    It was like something out of a movie, its all true, those places are horrible, horrifying, and I wouldnt wish the experience on anybody.

    Talking about this hit a note. I appreciate the opportunity to talk - most people dont get it - this is good.

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