xtc aftermath - rant

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by The Scream, Dec 4, 2011.

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  1. The Scream

    The Scream Well-Known Member

    i've got a huge headache and i don't really have the energy to explain in correct english sentences perhaps so sorry for that... and i don't know why im posting this, i have the feeling i need to share this with someone again and my friends just left so XD

    xtc somehow makes me change/flip over -everything- in my life... relationship/friends/school... it's like after i've done it i realise all that i really miss in my daily life and decide for it all to change... i have a girlfriend and i almost cheated while drunk [before the xtc kicked in]... and now i start to wonder if i should stay with my girlfriend... i couldn't have almost cheated if there wouldn't be something bothering me between me and my gf... but when the xtc kicked in i distanced myself from the other girl and started missing my gf... but when i thought about almost cheating i hadn't felt really bad about it, i was rather curious about what could've happend if i hadn't distanced myself from her... and she was mad at me for being distant all of a sudden but something in my head told me to stay away from her and i managed...

    i don't really know what i want from my gf... when im with her all feels well, but when im not around her and get in situations like last night i can sometimes forget her so easily...
  2. The Scream

    The Scream Well-Known Member

    and i think i found out where my empty feeling comes from and the depression along with it... before i'd keep on making things up that would suppose to make me happy, like going places, hanging out with friends etc. and once on E i figured i don't need all those conditions to make me feel happy and good and E makes you feel happy anyhow... it leaves you with an empty feeling, all those reasons you found, all those ways you thought you had figured out to keep yourself happy and away from relapsing into depression all of a sudden becomes of no importance... once happiness is so easily achieved... a dangerous thought but i know E is not something to do just to keep yourself happy... and now i wonder, was this a progress? finding out you don't need all those conditions to keep yourself happy? or is it stopping me from progress? loosing all the "things" i thought would make me happy (which i may not need to make me actually happy) it's like killing the pain for a moment which is actually chronic and you know you'll never be able to kill completely, it's like you need more and more and more to keep yourself happy and you'll never feel the 100 percent satisfaction perhaps just a reason to keep yourself pushing through until you find out it's achieved much easier and you loose your known methods to keep you going in life... where do you find happiness? i kept looking for it around me, outside of me, is happiness from within the real happiness? should i stop for looking for happiness around me? but how do you find happiness within yourself? is it even possible? without the drugs...
  3. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    ex is a very very dangerous drug hon, it can deplete your spinal fluid over time and because it's generally home-made can contain anything. Please be careful, the harm it can do is not worth the euphoric feelings it can give.

    As far as the situation where you "forget" about your girlfriend... are you very young? Late teens to early 20s? If so, this is actually common. It's hard at that age to be committed to one person because you are still growing mentally and emotionally as a person yourself, and at times will be very unsure as to what it is you actually want out of life; this is also the same reason many many young college students change their major several times, and why young marriages have such a high divorce rate - that being said, you are completely normal in this, and though that knowledge doesn't change anything, it can give you a better understanding.

    I'm not saying no young person can be committed to another, but I am saying that the younger you are, the harder it is - and perhaps you just aren't ready for that commitment right now, you still have some growing to do and there is nothing wrong with that.

    Finding happiness? I have no idea to be honest. Keep one or two close friends and find things to do that you enjoy and take it day by day.

    Best wishes hon, you're in my thoughts in this hard time.
  4. The Scream

    The Scream Well-Known Member

    thank you for your reply beautifullychaotic... you guessed right btw, im 20 :)
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