Hello Everyone To be honest I am not sure if this will make any sense and really not sure why I am even doing this perhaps its just to pass the time until its time to go. Please excuse my awful spelling I am 30 on the 23rd of this month (January). I have made the decesion to not be here by the time I am 30. For the simple reason is that I suffered with cripling depression my whole life and I have simply had enough and no longer wish to keep picking myself up I just dont have the will nor the energy any longer. I have been through the mental health system quite a few times and dont know what its like for anyone else but I can safely say that the system in Northern Ireland where I live in flawed and as about as much use as a wet paper bag. At my wits end with the useless system last Easter (2010) I went to a private clinic and was assesed as having PTSD due to child abuse. To be honest I feel even more ashamed of myself now than I did before because its not right for me to have PTSD when there is so many brave soliders and police people etc that have PTSD for proper reasons and I feel that by me having it robs PTSD of its crediability for those people. Have tried overdoses of tablets before and they didnt work, clearly as I am typing this now, and dont have the guts to hang myself, also I feel that for my loved ones to find me after a hanging or the emergency services would be very unfair, I understand finding a suicide victim in unfair regardless of the method used, but surely its better to find someone in chair or in bed than swinging from a light fitting or something similar? Before anyone asks, yes I have tried all avenues open to me to try and seek help and they just dont work well at least for me, and I simply dont wish to try any longer, my life has been one constant disapointment and really dont want anymore. I have tried all sorts of medication and nothing helps me might as well take a bag of sweets for all the help my meds have been. My wife is have been wonderfully supportive in the past but its not fair to keep on telling her when I feel suicidal because understandably she freaks out and panics and thats not fair on her to keep doing that, and the rest of my limited family either cant or wont cope and simply dont understand, and I only have one friend and he doesnt understand. I am sorry for boring you and really have no idea why I have come here and said all of this, I really dont know why I am in so much pain and just cant do it anymore.