Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by belfastrab, Jan 3, 2011.

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  1. belfastrab

    belfastrab New Member

    Hello Everyone

    To be honest I am not sure if this will make any sense and really not sure why I am even doing this perhaps its just to pass the time until its time to go.

    Please excuse my awful spelling

    I am 30 on the 23rd of this month (January).

    I have made the decesion to not be here by the time I am 30. For the simple reason is that I suffered with cripling depression my whole life and I have simply had enough and no longer wish to keep picking myself up I just dont have the will nor the energy any longer.

    I have been through the mental health system quite a few times and dont know what its like for anyone else but I can safely say that the system in Northern Ireland where I live in flawed and as about as much use as a wet paper bag. At my wits end with the useless system last Easter (2010) I went to a private clinic and was assesed as having PTSD due to child abuse. To be honest I feel even more ashamed of myself now than I did before because its not right for me to have PTSD when there is so many brave soliders and police people etc that have PTSD for proper reasons and I feel that by me having it robs PTSD of its crediability for those people.

    Have tried overdoses of tablets before and they didnt work, clearly as I am typing this now, and dont have the guts to hang myself, also I feel that for my loved ones to find me after a hanging or the emergency services would be very unfair, I understand finding a suicide victim in unfair regardless of the method used, but surely its better to find someone in chair or in bed than swinging from a light fitting or something similar?

    Before anyone asks, yes I have tried all avenues open to me to try and seek help and they just dont work well at least for me, and I simply dont wish to try any longer, my life has been one constant disapointment and really dont want anymore. I have tried all sorts of medication and nothing helps me might as well take a bag of sweets for all the help my meds have been. My wife is have been wonderfully supportive in the past but its not fair to keep on telling her when I feel suicidal because understandably she freaks out and panics and thats not fair on her to keep doing that, and the rest of my limited family either cant or wont cope and simply dont understand, and I only have one friend and he doesnt understand.

    I am sorry for boring you and really have no idea why I have come here and said all of this, I really dont know why I am in so much pain and just cant do it anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Helium Suicide

    I am sorry you are feeling so low I had to remove part of method because that could be very triggering for some here. Also it is against forum rules. You wife loves you very much and would not cope if you left her. She would be is such pain and guilt she would feel would never leave. Please get on some newer meds for depression get a new therapist but don't don't put your family through the pain of loosing you. It is a lifetime of pain for them
  3. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Re: Helium Suicide

    Your thirtieth birthday will come and go like any other day- please don't get so upset about the number that you feel it is a necessary deadline. PTSD is a horribly crippling condition and you have every right to claim it's effect on you. You don't have to be a "brave" soldier or law enforcement officer to honestly and honorably claim being a victim.

    I am an American so I can't give useful advice on how to find more competent mental health assistance in your country and the underestimating and ignorance surrounding your depression is shared by every sufferer in every part of the world. Please stay with this forum and hang on.
  4. Re: Helium Suicide

    You are not boring me at all.. Please don't give up on yourself. You are able to come to this forum and rant it all out and i think you are brave. Just hang on in there and whenever you fall, pick yourself up and move on. Don't do anything harmful to yourself. I love you. Rant it all out to me whenever you feel suicidal. PM me or flood my message box whenever you feel suicidal.. I just want to help you.. Please don't kill youself.. PLEASE!!

    Can i say something here and i wish you can try it.. Please!! Try getting out and run.. I am not asking you to run away from your problem but i am asking you come out and exercise: run. Running can help to fight depression and i have successfully done it. You can try another state's doctor if you wanted to or if you can afford the money, you can come to Singapore to find a doctor to help you. When you run, keep your head up and exhale all the negative thoughts out... Whatever it is, Please don't do anything silly. I am here to listen and help..
  5. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    Re: Helium Suicide

    Hey Rab,don't feel ashamed at the PTSD diagnosis,you were a child.

    There is no overriding glory to be had from getting PTSD as a well prepared adult compared to developing it through a childhood of suffering.

    You are brave to face up to what is dragging you down.
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Re: Helium Suicide

    Hi Rab(?) and welcome to SF. We're really pleased that you've joined us. You'll find lots of help and support here.

    Don't you know that the internet has liberated us from spelling? It's not a spelling mistake, it's a typing error, :wink:

    I have to say that in all honesty, I found 30 to be the age that it starts to get better. It isn't that you're suddenly 'cured' of depression. Far from it, the depression is still there. It just gets easier to cope with. Or at least it feels easier to cope with. I think it's actually more than you care less what other people think which lessens the burden of depression.
    40 is even better. You stop having such great expectations of yourself which also helps with the depression. So the first advice I'd give you is to hang on till you're 50 but you probably don't want to hear that.
    Its not surprising that you're worn out. This illness is horrific. The pain that we go through is unbelievable and unless you're talking to someone who's suffered from it, it's impossible to explain. Plus it gets tiring trying to explain it. You've now joined a forum of people who do understand it though. We know exactly what you're going through because we've all been through it too.
    It's also very isolating and isolation is the last thing you need. Signing up here will help stop that feeling of isolation. You'll get support, be able to rant, be able to cry, but most of all you will know that you're not alone in this. Think of 30 as the point in your life when things start to get just a tiny bit better - then you can build on that thought.

    I live in Manchester in the UK and can safely say the same for the mental health system here. In fact my GP spits nails when he talks about it because he feels like he's banging his head against a brick wall. There are lots of reasons why Mental Health Services are so crap on the NHS but that's a discussion for another time. Its really difficult because at least we have the NHS which is better than no health care whatsoever but we're not receiving the medical help we should be receiving. I'm blessed with the aforementioned GP who looks after me really well and helps me to get the best out of the NHS but without him, I'd be lost.
    I know how to get the best I can out of it and I'm happy to share any knowledge that I have - you may also have ideas on this one which you can share with the forum when you're feeling a bit better. We'll have to start a thread!

    I'm really glad that you got a diagnosis but I don't think much of a private clinic that left you feeling guilty instead of resolving your issues with the child abuse.
    The comparison you've made to soldiers/police etc doesn't really stand up to scrutiny if you think about it. Soldiers/Police etc know what they're getting into when they sign up, they also receive a wage every week and training. You were a child who didn't sign up for anything and you certainly weren't being paid or trained. You're comparing the 'grown up' you to soldiers etc when you should actually be comparing a child to them instead.
    Not that we should be comparing anyone. Abuse is abuse and PTSD is PTSD. There isn't a system where we allocate 'worthiness' for the illness. That would be ridiculous and its the illness that's making you think that way, nothing else.
    Did you actually get any therapy whatsoever for the child abuse? Have you had any closure or resolution on that time in your life?
    Alternatively, if you met a child who has been abused today, would you tell them that they shouldn't moan about it because there are soldiers fighting in wars who have it worse?

    Again, this isn't something which is up for comparison. Doesn't matter how you do it, it will still be traumatic for the people who find you and the people who care about you.

    It can take years to find the right combo of meds and even then you may need another combo a couple of years later. Meds work on one level and we all need the support but they're not enough on their own. You also need to have coping strategies and a good support network and you need to get closure not only on the childhood abuse but also on the fact that you have a mental health problem. None of us want to have a mental health problem but we have to accept that we do. Once we accept that we do, we're in a good place to set up the coping strategies and the biggest coping strategy is recognising when its the illness talking and when its us talking. When you say that you don't wish to try anymore and that you're life is one disappointment after another - that's the illness talking. Don't let it speak for you.

    This illness takes it's toll on our loved ones and they need support to just to deal with us. Just like us, they can't do it alone. I'm sorry that your family don't understand. As I said earlier, it's an impossible thing to explain to people. It helps if they're willing to understand but not everyone does want to understand.
    This is a situation where knowledge is power. The more they know about the illness and the more they know about how the illness affects you individually, the better they are able to cope and the more support they can give you. You can't expect all your support to come from that circle though, that's too much for them and they need a respite every so often. Coming on this forum will give you another place for support so I'm glad that you've found us. Again, we can talk more about coping strategies for families later.

    You're not boring us at all. The more we support each other, the more we learn about the illness, the more people that we know who suffer from it, the better we are able to deal with our own conditions. You've helped people just by posting here. Post more and post often, you'll find lots of friends here and we don't want to lose you.
    Feel free to pm me anytime that you need to talk. Get to know the forum and the members and read through the threads to see how others have coped. You're in for a long journey to good mental health but it will be well worth it.
    Stay strong, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
  7. belfastrab

    belfastrab New Member

    Re: Helium Suicide

    Hi All

    Thank you for all your replies you are all very kind and I do mean thank you. It was very nice of you to take the time out of your day in which to reply to my rants and I hope I came across coherent.

    Bad news is I dont feel much different to be honest however I am fighting like a ninja (couldnt think of something else that fights very hard) to stay alive let alone do anything else.

    Good news is that the <mod edit, TDM -- methods> people that I placed an online order with contacted me to say that after spending £40 <mod edit, TDM>... that they wanted a further £7.50 for postage because I live in Northern Ireland. The dark side of me thought "christ what a unique way to get kicked in the nuts when I am already down", whilst I suppose the lighter side of me, assuming I have a lighter side sort of had to laugh a bit and say "hold on a second this is something I am ordering to end my life and still some courier company is trying to con me for delivery".

    After posting here last I have spoke to my wife about my plans as she knew something was badly wrong with me, I feel so so sorry for her because I know how awful I feel but it must be torture for her, god help her she has been extremley good with me and ultra supportive, and I know part of this is deperation on her part because she doesnt want me to go, but as much as this is lovely it makes part of me feel even worse because of what I must be doing to her, do you understand what I mean?

    The only reason and I really do mean this.... that I am still here is because of her, and I know its the wrong thing to think or say, but is it fair on me to be in so much pain all the time just because she doesnt want me to go?

    I know that the arguement to the above statements would be that it would be unfair to leave her and she would be worse if I left, but I think that eventually life would be better for her that she could meet someone after I had gone and have a happy life without some broken person as a husband, where as at the moment all I can for her assuming I live is a lifetime of misery.

    A bit random I know but anyone ever wish Microsoft or Logitech or whoever makes your computer's keyboard included a red button to finish it all, would be more useful that the pause button which I have never used in my life.

    Regardless I am fighting so very hard every day, and trying to sleep as much as I can to make the days as short as possible. I do have a doctors appointment on the 28th of this month sort of a medication review thing I think, dont much like her as she looks down on me like I am something she has stepped in, but I suppose she has a job to do and has to do it and assuming I make it till the 28th then will make my case for better meds then.

    On several occassions I have made a plea for better meds and at the start I was given prozac or the generic equilelant, sorry cant remember the dosage but it was quite a big dosage as I pointed out to the GP (doctor) I am 6ft 2ins tall and 18 stone so a normal dosage might not surrfice considering my stature, he agreed and doubled it. Anyways the prozac didnt work for me, and now I am on Venlafaxine which kind of worked I think for the most part, but my problem is when I go really really low I need something that will work straight away before I do something stupid and the doctor gave me Diazepam which were useless and done nothing at all for me, even when I tripled the dosage (dont worry checked online it was still a safe dosage to take) and also something that sounded like Diazepam but started with a N some sort of sleeping tablets but again did nothing for me and was sacared of these "N" tablets as taking them for more than 7 days constiuted a addiction risk, and thats the last thing I need to be addicited to something other than cigarettes.

    So when I am the med review again assuming I have enough fight to make it there, I will demand something that I can take for the really bad times to stop me from proceeding the suicide plans, I really dont care if it knocks me out or leaves me unable to move or whatever there must be something effective out there. Also will see about chaning my regular meds once again because I dont think my Venlafaxine is working too good anymore.

    I dont know about the rest of the world but where I am from I am sure the doctor always gives people the cheap crappy meds first and then if they dont work its next cheapest on the list and so forth until finally you get the proper meds, its the same with anti biotics you get the crap ones first that wouldnt help a fly fight a infection let alone a human, so you run the course of the tablets and return a week later with the same problem and then finally you get the anti biotics that actually work.

    Anyways once again sorry for the big rant/posting
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2011
  8. belfastrab

    belfastrab New Member

    Re: Helium Suicide

    Sorry just re read thought that post after submitting it, its full of errors. Sorry!
  9. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Re: Helium Suicide

    gosh, the title of this thread is so very dangerous. so many ppl out there are totally unaware of this method, how easy it is, and how lethal it is, yet here we have it for all too see. most ppl have to do a fair amount of research to find out about it. This is really quite scary :sad:

    **hugs** i hope you do not go through with this
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Re: Helium Suicide

    Hi Rab, I've finally got home from work so I'll be able to reply now.

    You came across as perfectly coherent both in your first post and this one.

    You're not going to get better overnight and you have to accept that. Posting here was a great first step but it's only the first step. You now have a long journey to good mental health but you will get there eventually. Honestly.
    You don't need to do anything else but fight to stay alive. Give yourself a break and concentrate on your health right now. You need to be wrapped up in a snuggley blanket and given lots of TLC whilst you recover. You may have to do that yourself mentally but that's just as good. Don't worry about anything else. Just concentrate on getting well.

    At least your sense of humour is still in place and that's a good thing. Cancel the delivery because you'd be better off spending that £40 on your recovery.

    I totally understand what you mean. I have a very supportive partner too and I often put him through hell. I am delighted that you did talk to your wife though, that's a really positive move.
    Again, right now, you need to be thinking of your own recovery though and not worrying about the effect on your wife. Instead of thinking of what torture this is for her, think about how you're going to spoil her rotten when you feel better. I know its hard to turn a negative thought into a positive one when you're deep in the dip but you can do it if you try. It will feel very false and forced at first but like everything else, the more you practise, the better you'll get.
    So next time you think about how your wife is suffering, picture her in a fancy restaurant with a bunch of red roses and a glass of champagne instead. Or alternatively sat on the sofa, DVD in the machine ready to play and a takeaway pizza. Any positive image will do but it has to be positive and you have to make yourself think it. Don't be thinking practical things like 'I can't afford the flowers let alone the restaurant'. In our 'happy places' we've all won the lottery so money means nothing.

    This is an age old discussion amongst those of us who suffer from mental health problems. The only reason I'm still here is my husband and children and possibly my cats. Then again, I am still here and thats a good thing because I love my husband, children and cats. I love my friends. Don't think much of life but life is what it is.
    We can debate the whys and wherefores of this argument over and over again and we probably will. Not until you get better though. The last thing you need right now is deep philosophical discussion.

    It doesn't work like that. Firstly you don't stay alive because it would be unfair to leave her. You stay alive because you deserve to have a life. You deserve to have the best life that you possibly can and once you've learnt some coping strategies, life will be a lot better.
    Secondly, her life won't improve in the long run. You're condemning her to a life of 'what if?' She will always feel responsible for your death and no one will be able to convince her otherwise. She will spend the rest of her life unhappy.
    Think about it - if she really thought that life with you was miserable, she'd have left already. She wants to be with you and you should make every effort to recover so that you can have a decent life together.

    I've never thought that but everyday when I finish work and get into the lift, I wish there was a button that said 'Home'. It would be really good if the lift doors opened into my living room and I didn't have to get the bus.

    Can you get a better doctor? I think it makes a huge difference if you can find a doctor who understands depression. You also need to see the same doctor every time otherwise you just keep repeating your story over and over again and it becomes depressing in itself.
    Failing getting a better doctor, you need to get a quicker appointment. Your meds definitely need either increasing or changing because you can't go on like this.
    You certainly don't need to accept any sort of snobbery from your doctor. She might have a job to do but I'm paying her to do it and I expect better service than that. Be polite but firm with her and ask lots of questions. I'll give you a list if you like.

    What dose of Venlafaxine are you on? Can it be increased? If it worked at first then you probably just need it to be increased.
    I agree with you about the Diazepam when you're really down but I get that prescribed by my psychiatrist when I'm in that situation. I'm only allowed it for two weeks though because of the addiction aspect. I've never thought much of them either but then again, I didn't go over the edge so they must have done something.
    There are other sedatives that you can take to help you sleep. Ask your doctor about Phenergen. Phenergen are actually sold as a travel sickness tablet but they also work as a sedative. My doctor prescribes them when I can't sleep. Like you, I like to get through the worst of the dip by sleeping as much as possible and you can almost guarantee that I won't be able to sleep at all.

    You definitely need the meds reviewing but talk to the GP about seeing a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists can prescribe meds that a GP can't prescribe. They also know a lot about combinations of drugs which might be something that would work for you.
    I only see the psychiatrist for meds. I don't really think much of their opinion otherwise. I have a fantastic GP though so get most of my counselling from him. I've also been seeing the same GP for well over 10 years so he knows me very well. He's the one who insists that the psychiatrist prescribes the drugs because they have the specialist knowledge.

    The NHS prescribes the cheapest drugs because it's not allowed to do anything else. That's something else we can discuss and rant over when you're feeling better.
    However, if you have to have two courses of antibiotics to fight something then there may be a problem with your immune system. Have you ever had any checks done on your immune system? (I only know this because my husband has immunology problems)
    So! You're still with us which is great and you're fighting hard which is even better. Sort the doctor and the meds out as priority and start keeping a mood diary. Have you ever kept a mood diary before?
    Most of all, keep posting. Rant, rave and let it all out.
    Sending hugs,
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