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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Inanimate, Apr 4, 2016.

  1. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Feeling exceptionally depressed. I don't really know how to cope. I haven't been talking to anyone specifically about my depression lately, except for my counselor every 2 weeks, and I haven't been talking to anyone in general, really. Overall, I just feel truly lonely. I could talk to my family, but to me, for various reasons, they're a last resort. Monitoring my diet is losing it's effectiveness in distracting me from my suicidal thoughts; it's just frustrating now. Exercise just feels like drudgery--go figure. I feel like things will only get worse from now on. I've had this ambition to at least pointlessly make it past another birthday, even though it's just another shitty day. In spite of all this, I've yet to self-harm since December. What am I doing...?
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry you're hurting so much.

    I am however happy to hear you haven't harmed yourself since December, good job on that!
    Why not talk to your family, perhaps it would be a big relief once you have told them how you feel? Sometimes having to pretend to be better than you are can be such a big burden and only add to your depressive feelings. It sounds like they would care about you and try to support you? So allow them to be there for you.
    Does your counselor know how bad you feel? Are they giving you any coping mechanisms?

    And do you have any hobbies that can give you some joy? What do you like doing?
    Inanimate likes this.
  3. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I'm very reserved with them, as I am in general, and I'm rather standoffish with my parents. Nonetheless, my family knows that I'm depressed. They've even taken me to the hospital twice and paid me visits almost every day, but that was last year... and the year before. My family just doesn't really know how to help me. My father just lectures me about things that I already know. My mother approaches me in all the wrong ways; she's too aggressive, too assertive, argumentative, unsympathetic, etc. My brother is understanding, yet he always seems angry and annoyed with me. I've had little experience talking with my sister, and I don't know how much she knows and understands about my depression, and I suppose it couldn't hurt to try to talk to her. I'm very reluctant to talk about certain things, especially with my family, even though I've already talked about most of those things with my family to a degree--it's just too embarrassing to talk about, and those things just happen to be what's affecting me the most.

    My counselor knows how bad I feel; she at least has a general idea. Surprisingly, I'm still just talking to her, and I'm not being warned about having to go to the hospital yet. I presume it's because my self-injurious habits are under control, but I'm still suicidal--just not actively so. She has specifically offered to help me develop an "internal locus of control," but I have to want it, and at least not yet I don't.

    My hobbies are exercising (obligatorily), listening to depressing fucking music, and watching Let's Plays on YouTube. Gaming used to be a hobby, but I got tired of playing the same shit. I'd get a job and buy new games, as that would be the logical thing to do, but due to my social anxiety, I'm not the least bit eager to do so.
  4. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Oh... how could I forget--watching anime. I haven't watched anime in quite a while, but nothing has called to my attention yet.
  5. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    I want you to know that everything IS going to be ok. You are going to be alright. We care about you here. One thing that may help is uplifting, comforting music. A great uplifting song is Rockabye by Shawn Mullins. In it, he sings "everything's gonna be alright." In Breathe, Anna Nalick sings "cradle your head in your hands and breathe just breathe". Sometimes all you can do is your best and take comfort in that. You are a good person who deserves happiness. A song you can probably relate to is Perfect Blue Buildings by Counting Crows/Adam Duritz. He sings "how am I gonna keep myself away from myself and me" It's a song that shows that you are NOT alone in your struggles. There are people who struggle with the same kind of things. They are able to deal with it and have a happy, productive life and you can too.Do your best and everything will be ok. hug
    Inanimate likes this.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    4 months since self harming is super duper fantastic, I just wanted to congratulate you on that. know we are here for you when you need us. If I recall correctly the last time we spoke was the day I found out my sister had cancer, she's got the all clear now and don't ever feel you are burdening anyone by talking to us here because you aren't.. You get yourself better, nothing else matters, do not give up on yourself. Can you promise me you will stay safe? I care about you a lot, we've had some great conversations and hope we will in the future again! Big hugs!
    Inanimate likes this.
  7. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I gave those songs a listen. When I listen to uplifting songs, I seem to predominantly focus on the depressing elements, and I consequently feel like I'm listening to any other depressing song. The difference is that with listening to a depressing song, I mainly feel sad, but when listening to uplifting music, I feel more angry, which makes sense; uplifting songs generally tell me things that are extremely hard to believe. In "Breathe," on the other hand, she's literally just telling me to breathe. "...Okay." I get it though. One part that got to me was:

    "May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
    'Just a day' he said down to the flask in his fist,
    'Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.'
    Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
    But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
    Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it."

    Oh, the convenience. "Perfect Blue Buildings" was definitely relatable--4:30 AM too... I believe the other song is called Lullaby(?). This part hit home:

    "She still lives with her mom
    Outside the city
    Down that street about a half a mile
    And all her friends tell her
    She's so pretty
    But she'd be a whole lot prettier
    If she smiled once in a while
    `cause even her smile
    Looks like a frown
    She's seen her share of devils
    In this angel town"

    Yeah, wtf...? :D Thank you for the song suggestions.

    Anyway, thank you for being so compassionate. It felt good to read that. *hug*
    Thank you; thank you and @ThePhantomLady for congratulating me. I honestly find it hard to accept a congratulations on staying safe, but I believe that deep down I'm proud of myself as well. I think that was the last time we've really talked as well. That's amazing though, that your sister is in the clear. I'm glad. I actually annoy myself, and consequently I unconsciously apply that thought to everyone else. I promise that I will make an effort to stay safe.
    That surprised me. I mean, I've known that you care about me, but for you to actually say that... yeah. Really, I care about you a lot too, even though I don't think I've made it apparent, and yeah, I hope we'll have more great conversations to come as well. :D *hug*