yea another thread.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. CHarming of me huh?

    well, this time it aint about sf, or anything to do with sf, instead, ITS ABOUT HOW PISSED OFF I AM BECAUSE MY BLOOD TESTS CAME BACK FINE!

    K, so they come back fine after a lethal overdose on one of the most popular things taken nowadays to die in overdoses, and its somethng my friend killed herself with, AND I FAILED, HOW STUPID AND RIDULOUS AM I HUH? I HATE MY BODY, I HAD EVERY INTENTION OF KILLING MYSELF, I RESEARCHED, SAID THE AMOUNT I TOOK COULD SEVERELY DAMAGE A DAMN ADULT AND LOOK AT ME, NOPE, I'M A DAMN CHILD AND NO DAMAGE DONE, JUST SOME STUPID PAIN WHICH I HAVE NO IDEA WHY NOW, BECAUSE IT SAYS THE BLOOD TESTS ARE FUCKING FINE, LA LA LA, FINE FINE FINE, OH JOY JOY !JOY! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
    WELL FINE, NEXT TIME I WONT TAKE THEM ALL ONCE I FIND OUT SOMETHING THAT DESTROYS ME, ILL WAIT UNTIL I HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH, EVEN THOUGH I DID IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE!!! :cry:

    Fuck sake. I always fail. I feel like punching something until my fist is black and blue. I feel like running onto train tracks and just... 'I'd never know what hit me'. I feel like cutting everywhere. :mad: I'm so UPSET, I'm so ANGRY. >.<


    So what the fuck would explain the severe pain I'm in? Huh? Pathetic. Sometimes I swear they mix up my blood tests with someone else. :mad:
     
  2. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    Sarah *hugs*

    Baby I know why you take the ODs, Ive done it too, saved up lethal amounts and been pissed as hell when it didnt work..

    But be grateful that it came out clear, I know your in pain but if theres no reason for it it will pass, organ failure is a long, slow, painful death

    Your in enough pain already I know you dont want a long slow death to put on top of that.

    I know things are bad at the moment, I wont try to say everything will be fine because how would I know?

    But youve survived another day, some small part of you wants to keep going Sarah just without all the pain in your head.

    Dont wish physical pain on yourself too :(

    Huggles


    P.S. I am not sure if what I mean has come through, but in case your in doubt, this post was supportive, caring and hugging.
     
  3. no, it didnt come through as offensive(if you meant it mightve come through as that to me since alot of posts offend me nowadays), im just so pissed off, ive tried so many times with failure, and i thought,really thought, this time i'd done it because i was in so much pain. :cry:

    why the hell do i always fail
    i hate it
    i fail at eevrything
    and now
    i fail at killing myself
     
  4. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    I cant imagine the dissapointment you must be feeling right now. Im sorry that your so upset :rose:
     
  5. :mad: :cry:

    Isa, it's just, people don't understnd how horrid I feel right now, and I'm still in physical pain, and I can't even explain that anymore, people just don't understand how much of a failure I feel knowing I fail at a lethal overdose now. :cry: :mad: I'm so fucking pissed off, well, next time then, NEXT TIME I WON'T FUCKING FAIL.

    :mad:
     
  6. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    Sarah I understand the feeling of people not understanding. There are a very small amount of people on this forum whos problems are so overwhelming that even if people offer them help its not enough.

    Those people I am just glad everyday to see them post, even if its angry, because its an achievement to keep fighting.

    Keep fighting Sarah your stronger than this, think of all the days of pain youve endured so far.

    One day at a time.
     
  7. my anger isnt against this though, my anger is against how i fail at trying to kill myself

    think of it though
    ive tried
    what, fifteen times in the last year, only one of them caused me to seizure, another one casued me to puke, another one caused me severe pain and puking(the last one whihc i thought idd something) and the others just shaking, sickness, etc, NONE OF THEM DAMAGED ME, WHY??? ALL OF WHAT I TOOK WOULDA KILLED SOMEONE ELSE, OR AT LEAST DAMAGED THEM, WHY DIDNT IT DAMAGE ME?

    Ohh I FORGOT
    iM A FAILURE in EVERYTHING
    including trying to take my life

    PEOPLE WANNA MAKE ME SUFFER HUH?
    Fine
    Ill suffer before i die then

    im sure you cant survive a train 'accident'.

    :mad:

    im sorry
    im just so angry and pissed off and mad at everyone and myself. an dmy STUPID body

    m i read a documentry that a teenagers body is more stronger at fighting things of than an adults.
    maybe THATS it.
    so if i did thiswhen i was a kid, id be dead then.
    >.<
    stupid.
    STUPID.
    STUPID!
     
  8. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    Your allowed to be angry,

    I dont know how to reply, ive rewritten it loads of times but it always sounds like discussing methods.

    Pills will always make you very ill its not often theyll be fatal, your body will reject them before you can take that many most of the time.

    But Sarah, please remember all the times youve wantes to keep going.
     
  9. no, this overdose i did, it was lethal enough to kill me, more than lethal, AND IT DIDNT.
    THATS WHY IM PISSED OFF
    Ill admit i puked alot, maybe that got some of them outta me, maybe thats it, but still, i took more than enough!! :mad: :cry: