yeah, hurting really bad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jamesbond, May 6, 2007.

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  1. jamesbond

    jamesbond Well-Known Member

    my first post. like all here i have suicidal thoughts. i wont go into my story now but i lost my mom and brother to suicide. i know why they did it. i dont want to live anymore than they did. i cannot take my life because my sister financialy depends on me and i dont want to subject her to 3 suicides but i dont want to go on. also i should mention i have been a loner most of my life. i spend every night, weekend, thanksgiving, christmas, bithdays alone. i truly feel like a homeless dog
  2. Des

    Des Member

    I am sorry you lost both your mom and sister to suicide. I can understand that you are also suicidal but, for the sake of your sister, I would suggest you get into therapy to help you work through their death's and also, to help you understand why you too want to die by your own hand.

    Keep holding on for the sake of your sister and do what you can to try to prevent her from having to deal with another suicidal death in her family.

  3. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    Sorry for loss,i can't even imagine how painful is that. You are not total loner,you have sister and if not cause of yourself you should go on cause of her. I hope to see you around, if you want to talk fell free to send me PM anytime. Take care:hug:
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for the way you are feeling. We are all here for you :hug:
  5. jamesbond

    jamesbond Well-Known Member

    i see a lot of people are hurting like me. though it does not help to say look 10 years ahead. i'm middle aged now. 10 years from now is even more depressing to think about. i'm on lexipro now two and a half weeks but i smoke pot so i wonder how the two mix. anyway, i'm still feeling immobilized
  6. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Im very sorry you lost your mom and your sister to suicide. Please get help if you think you cant hold on. Call your therapist and tell him. We are here for you :hug:
  7. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    james first off :welcome: to sf. i'm nearly middle aged myself and i am finding that things are getting a little better. i would encourage you to try to give the meds time to work, and if they don't eventually work try another. the thing that has helped me the most so far is changing my perspective. not letting everything get to me. if i don't need to deal with it immediately i'm putting in a box so to speak and it's there when i need to go to it. it's done wonders.

    please feel free to continue to share. we are glad you are here and we'll always lend an ear. please take care of yourself.
  8. jamesbond

    jamesbond Well-Known Member

    had to check in. still suffering. you cant imagine the loneliness of spending a life time in seclusion. every day and night by myself. a girl left me 3 years ago. still not over her. how could i be? there was no one before or since her
  9. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, welcome to SF I hope you find the support you are looking for.

    I too am sorry to hear about your mum and brother. It must have been, and most probably still is, hard for you to deal with. I cannot begin to imagine the pain I'd go through if one person in my family committed suicide, let alone two.

    Have you spoken to your doctor/therapist about how much you are hurting at the moment? Maybe they can increase your meds or change them for you, or suggest something else that can help you.

    Please don't give up. You are still fighting and you're hanging in there and that is good. Can you lean on your sister for support and be there for each other? Do you have any other family you can talk to?

    We're here for you, take care of yourself. :hug:
  10. jamesbond

    jamesbond Well-Known Member

    thanks for the reply. i have 1 friend i confide in. been on lexipro for 2 weeks 6 days. helps a little. not much. too depressed and immobile to return to thearpy. i think about death all the time. dont talk to my sister about my problems. but we are close though.
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    It usually takes about 6 weeks to fully kick in, so try to stay strong. I am so sorry to hear about your losses. There is really nothing else to say :(

    I know you say you are not over your girlfriend, but it may help to get on or something and have a peek around. That's where my Mom found her current hubby and she's very happy.
  12. Freddy

    Freddy Guest

    I spend my birthday and Christmas pretty alone too.
    Sometimes getting a counselor or social worker to talk to help. I've been pretty much a loner too. So I know how it is. My mom is mentally ill and my father gets angry constantly and they are getting very old. I am concern also with my own sister as well.
  13. jamesbond

    jamesbond Well-Known Member

    yeah, being solitary is a terrible existence. i think that is probably what most of us suicidal people have in common...some form of LONELINESS!!!!
  14. Freddy

    Freddy Guest

    What makes it worst is stupid Christmas songs playing in the background. Every single Christmas here where I'm living the Salvation Army goes out into the middle of my neighborhood apartment areas and have the Salvation Army band play Christmas songs and trumpets! I'm at home sitting alone having to listen to it.
  15. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    I am alone most of the time. I relinquished the custody of my son about 5 yrs ago.This is the beginning of my battles.I lost everything fighting for his custody until my health go downhill.I fought for 13 yrs of custdoy until I am destitute & homeless & sick. I am alone,my family is on the other side of the planet.Two yrs ago I lost both my parents ,4 months apart to Cancer.I cannot say I am a loner, it can be isolating sometimes but I cannot relate to other peoples humor & their mundane lives to talk with.Hate talking about religion. I am a very good listener,but I noticed that a lot of times I am being used.So I cut off most of my friends.Now I am alone & I am content being alone. I do a lot of research on my own,the internet is my companion.I played chess a lot & games that makes my brain completely drained.There's a lot of fun being alone,freedom at its fullest.I created a lot of mind draining wctivities that I enjoy when I am not in pain,bedridden.I play Go. Even tennis on the net.Let us trade coping mechanisms.I think pain is the common denominator between us,subjective & objective.I have a very strong need to make my brain keep going but not mundane things.
  16. jamesbond

    jamesbond Well-Known Member

    currently, i am wallowing in my despair. (despite lexipro disabling me from shedding tears as abundantly as before) i have no coping abilities. i smoke pot and i go to work. activities in themselves have no meaning. if your the last man on earth, all the jets and sport cars have no meaning. ive walked this earth alone for too long to have any faith that it could get better.
  17. Freddy

    Freddy Guest

    I know the feeling guys.
    I have a tumor that needs to be operated on. I can understand some of the health issues.

    Yeah a number of my friends smoke alot of pot as well.

    At least we have some friends here.
    Last edited: May 11, 2007
  18. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    JB, I hear you.I have to admit that my coping mechanisms doesn't work all the time.That is why I am here.I also take lexapro,wellbutrin & dextrdrine all combined,but still.Last year, I did better than this year.The suffering of my parents ,its hard to jump out from that hump.Plus my health is another issue for me.This deppression is my biggest battle,I needed to know why.I also always get pulled with ambiguity,I dreaded making decisions,esp. now my Dad is gone.Meaningless life is a very tough statement to argue. I have a therapist, I always end up listening to his stories. That is why I have no friends they are all self absorb in their own mundane pathetic life.This is better here in the net,all I need is release them it doesn't matter if no one reads them,the release of thoughts give me some relief.

    Every Friday I am bombarded with phone calls all needing to be heard. I shut the fuckin phone, after a while they get the message.They are there when they need you & I am a person that when I talked to people I focus to them,no TV ,no interruptions,& I expect the same courtesy,but they are not interested in how I am so why should I gave a fuck about them.I live alone I have the ultimate freedom.
    I rant enuff.
  19. jamesbond

    jamesbond Well-Known Member

    need to let it out. sorry for posting about my vacant life but i just need to. like everyday i think about the woman who left me 3 years ago. she has a young son so of course i'm thinking about her and him today. and also like everyday i am alone. on my days off like today i just went to the gym, breezed through a workout and of course i am at home now...................

    "alone again, naturaly" -- gilbert osullivan
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