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Yeah, I am Bipolar but I'm not a monster.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kaspazzy, Mar 27, 2012.

  1. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    When I was 18 years old, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Then, I knew very little of it and I had thought that it was something like Borderline Personality Disorder, where it could be treated and soon after it would disappear but I was wrong. It's been 6 years since then and I have gotten better, I have gotten more of an understanding of what it can do, I recognize when my episodes are about to start and I can also at times, control what I say and just walk off.

    Though, sometimes the episode comes way too fast and I don't really have the time to back out of a situation so that I could think things through before I act on them. I've been off of my medication for a year and although I feel a lot more myself, I'm also in a tight spot for emotions. I want to move out of my parents house. I've been trying but with the minimal amount of friends, I have basically no where to go unless I wanted to barely get by every month in the cheapest apartments in town, which is near the worst areas.

    Sometimes I wish that people would understand. I wish they would get me and realize that I can't help it when I get angry, anti-social or even depressed. I really do wish I could help it. I wish that it was something that would go away with treatment and then I could move on to a better life where people don't feel the obligation to be around me when they really don't want to. I know that I understand my disorder better than my family does.

    I can't talk to people when I'm angry, I can't talk to them when I'm sad and above all, I can't talk to them when I have suicidal thoughts. I know I'd probably never act on them, I probably won't go as far as another would, hence why I'm still alive but it doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. A lot of people around me tend to forget that they have every which direction to run from me, run from the situation and ignore the things that go on inside and outside of me but I can run as far and fast as I possibly can but the situation will still be there, with me and it won't leave until I deal with it head to head. I get these situations weekly, I get them daily. I get them whenever something wrong happens, whenever someone tries to spoil my good mood, whenever someone wants to fight with me - it's all around.

    For the amount of effort alone that I have put in fighting for myself where to be put out in to the public eye I would have the feeling that I would get some sort of honorary medal and yes, that seems like I'm thinking high of myself but tbh, I probably would. I've been through a lot. I'm not saying no one else has, I'm sure they would get a medal too. But speaking in terms of myself, I have been through a lot and I have fought mostly on my own because people view me as the beast with two backs or in better view, the Hullk.

    What people don't see and don't learn is that I'm generally a nice person. I have hobbies, I play sports, I have people who love me when they know me best. Those people understand me more than those who decided to leave before actually getting to know the real me. It's also why I decide to pick a time and place to tell others that are new to me, that I have Bipolar. It gives them a chance to know me, it gives them a chance to like me and it shows that just because I have Bipolar, that it wouldn't harm our friendship, relationship or anything in between. It shows that those with Bipolar aren't made out what movies make them and now that I've been doing it, when I ask if they would've guessed, they reply "No." Some do leave. Some stay, it's all up to how much they can handle.

    Will I be sad if they leave? Of course I will but if they can't handle the fact that I am, even if I never get upset with them, then they won't have any luck finding the good friends. Everyone has their flaws, everyone has their mistakes, everyone has their problems. I am no different from you, the person reading this. You are not different from anyone else. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to be happy -it's human nature, everyone has that right. Actions speak louder than words, in both good in bad ways. Make a bad choice, you have to follow the consequences. If you make a good choice, you will be rewarded. Each situation has two paths, it's only how you act towards or on the situation which leads to wherever you chose to go. Take it from me, I've been down both.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are so right hun YOu have an illness one that can be so difficult to handle at times and if your friends can accept you in your good times and bad then they are true friends Welcome to SF hugs
  3. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    I get that it's hard to understand something that one doesn't know about, there are many many things I don't understand. Sometimes, I just feel trapped when people tell me that I'm doing it for attention or I'm making excuses when I say it's an episode, when I'm really not. I can tell the difference between my episodes and being mad. They are the same in ways, but the feelings of both are completely different.

    Last year, I started to read Naruto and for a really good reason. Naruto in the story, he's half Demon and half Human and doesn't understand why people just can't accept him, so he tries harder and harder every time but no one cares. Sometimes, I feel like that. I feel like I have that "inner demon" but on the outside, when I'm not mad, I'm a normal person. I feel that people who know of it are afraid of this " inner demon" and try to run from it instead of facing it head on. I don't hit people. I don't hurt people at all, I'm not like that even if I have an episode because I have a bit of control over it. I constantly think to myself - "I can't get a job. I can't have a stable relationship, I can't live on my own." even though I really want these three things, I'm going to have to work with myself a lot more and If I can't, I can't and that's all their is to it. Despite the things I want, i only wish for one thing, for people to accept it and understand.