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Yeah, Once...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by QuadLazer, Oct 20, 2008.

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  1. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    I did try it once. January 17, 2007 at 4:00 p... It was an OD on a grand total of like 2,000 mg of this one medication... Might've killed me- didn't. Had to go to the ER, stomach pumped, back into the hospital, all of that great stuff... Um, I guess that covers it.
  2. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    How are you feeling now hun? that covers it as you put it as of the end of a story but what brought you up to od'ing? is what matters. Would you like to share what brought you up to wantint to end it? We are here to listen to your pain and hurting. Please be safe and stay well.

    granny x
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Quadlazer,
    Did being in the hospital help you? Just curious, because I have been in about ten times. It always helped me to become stable. I always felt bad on discharge day because I felt I was being let down going back to that so called normal life. My life is anything but normal!!!
    I am walking that thin line again between going back in the hospital or going ahead and commiting! I feel that the people in the hospital aren't taking me seriously. I have two prior attempts at ending it. It's like they don't pay attention to that.
    I am not looking for sympathy from them, I am just looking for a place that I can't harm myself. I am not afraid of death. Been to close to it so many times between accidents and suicide attempts.
    I hope you receive the help you need to make life more bareable for you!! I am not going to tell you a bunch of should haves,or cant's because they all lead to negative thoughts. Good Luck!!!~Joseph~
  4. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    Well, the hospital itself? Didn't help at all. The MHAs/other patients are the only thing that contributed to my "treatment." I didn't meet a single nurse who would actually talk to you other than telling you to take medicine, a single social worker who would ask you any more in-depth question than "So, <insert name here>, how are you today?" or (and this pissed me off SO much) a doctor that DID NOT want to shove as many pills as legally possible down your throat.

    And I am not joking. After my last time in the hospital, I do not take medicine. Ever. That's how much I despise it now. I would honestly only take Tylenol if I couldn't function at a MINIMUM at work. Anything past that will always be out of the question after my experience in that... place...

    I mean, I can understand, especially in the modern world we live in... Doctors have the whole "I don't care what problem you're having- THERE'S A PILL FOR IT" set of mind, and it is seriously damaging our society, in my opinion. At least, it ruined medication altogether for me.

    It's not so much that I "can make it without" medicine, it's more of the fact that if I submit to taking medicine- doctors will take advantage of me again and again. I've noticed that if I avoid it or something, doctors are more apt to talk to you about it, understand your problem, and above all do what their paid for- help. As compared to- "what are you here for?" "Depression?" "Here's some Zoloft kid, now get the hell out. I wanna go home."

    As for why did I attempt killing myself? To prove something to the "professionals." I attempted it THE DAY OF MY RELEASE, and was re-hospitalized on the same day. Before I left, I sat down with my doctor for three minutes. I told her 'hey, you're the expert, you know what's good for me. I try to not be demanding, after all- I'm just the patient. But I CANNOT GUARANTEE that I'll not try to end my life upon release.' So she released me, surprise enough. Before I got home, I also spoke to my therapist (we had an appt. on the same day) and told her the SAME DAMN THING. So, more or less, the reason why I tried to end my life was to prove that I do not play games when it come to my treatment and I do not suck... well, you know. Sorry if I seem to be getting vulgar and everything, it's just something I feel very strongly about. As SOON as we got home for the office, my aunt went to take a nap. My mind was already made up, so I grabbed what I could and just went at it.

    I mean, most people try to generalize that people who try to end their own lives really want to die. Honestly, and I hate saying this in black-and-white terms, but that is NEVER THE CASE. The ONLY reason I did it was- well, look at it from my point of view:

    1. I had gone to the hospital, twice in a row.
    2. I had a therapist, and I was taking medicine.

    BUT... The root problem of the whole thing was not taken care of, and the only focus of the treatment was on that which DID NOT MATTER. I don't want to go into detail too much about why I was hospitalized in the first place or why all of this happened due to personal reasons... but the simple fact was that... me telling them I was going to kill myself apparently wasn't cutting it... Have any of you ever heard the saying "Actions speak louder than words?" Well, here it is in action... I mean, that's how maniacs are born. I mean, sure, a lot of them are like that from the get-go and make their own decisions and everything, but if you take an honest-to-goodness suicidal person who wants treament- is it really a good idea to cut short on treament and toss him back to society? Apparently they thought so- and that's when requesting help was simply not an option for me anymore.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you felt you needed to go to such a radical extent to prove a point. I am glad the attempt was not succuessful though. Hopefully you will find health care professionals that are more willing to listen in the future. please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  6. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    Firstly, I want to say that I really do appreciate anyone and everyone because really- you don't even know me and never will, and you all obviously care at the very least if I am alive or dead.

    I agree, it was a radical extent, but it was a necessary evil. Honestly, I'm glad it didn't work either, at least, now.

    I am... really trying. Right now, just from a day-to-day basis, I try to stay focused on my new job, think and plan for my future, and help as many people as I can in life.

    Sometimes, though, I feel that just isn't enough to keep these problems at bay.

    A lot of you might've seen me pop in and out of the chatroom with... questions, curiosities. Mainly about experiences on crisis lines, hotlines, etc..

    I remember, my first referral to a phone number was way before I even got hospitalized the first time. And the suggestions have only piled up and gotten more and more obvious. I've always been very defensive of my position on treatment- I REFUSE to talk to someone that I do not know and, more importantly, DOES NOT KNOW ME. No matter how selfless you are, no matter how much you are paid for working that third shift, and no matter how bad you want to be there with the person- you can never help someone on a crisis line without knowing who they are and what they are and have been going through. Never ever.

    With that frame of mind, I've always told my therapist the same thing when she brings it up. Assertively and politely, of course.

    ... But things have changed recently. Problems with depression, suicidal thoughts, plans, cutting, you name it. These things come back so easily.

    And I know that now that I am legally clean of those past problems, if I end up back in the same place as before, there will be no erasing it. I know fear is not the BEST treatment plan, but it's the only thing that has prevented me from killing myself recently. I recognize the result of a failed attempt and the following and long-term consequences, not just medically, but LEGALLY.

    So, I called it. I felt like I was going to cut myself- hell, I knew I was. Anyone who tells you that they "never see it coming" are only feeding you. If I cut, I knew I was going to beforehand unless I was completely out-of-control.

    Anyway, back to the call. So I called. It was a local number, not toll free. My therapist told me that, even just to talk about things, if I felt like I was, call. Just flat-out, no hesitation- call. And so I did.

    It was, surprisingly enough, a male voice on the other line. He stated what the number I called was, I gave him my name (first name only) and confirmed that this was in fact the correct number before I went ANY FURTHER.

    After I confirmed that, I asked him if he was busy or if he had a few minutes to talk. Yes, I realize that that's what he's being paid for, but I would feel like a total jackass if I just automatically assumed he had the time to talk to me.

    Now, he never actually answered yes or no to that question. He responded to me asking me if I was in an emergency. Now, I've heard this term "emergency" been thrown around in my life like it held no meaning at all. So I decided to look it up myself.

    "Overwhelming or persistent suicidal thoughts are considered an emotional crisis (NOT AN EMERGENCY). Mental health professionals advise that people who have expressed plans to kill themselves be encouraged to seek help. This is especially relevant if the means (weapons, drugs, or other methods) are available, or if the person has crafted a detailed plan for executing the suicide."

    That is the medical view of it. Legally, there's not a lot to be said. In my country, at least, suicide in itself is not actually illegal, and not punishable by law (though it is unwritten). Only the attempt is illegal.

    So, with that being said- no, I was not in an emergency. The only way I could answered that question with a yes was if I literally had a loaded and ready-to-fire weapon aimed at my head. I'm not even sure if a knife would go under the classification of "emergency," not technically speaking.

    So, I said no. He didn't ask me what was wrong, where or who I was, if I've called before, or even WHY I WAS CALLING. He simply stated that the number was for emergency only and that I could not call if I was not in an emergency situation.

    I repeated, without sounding demanding or aggressive, that I just wanted someone to talk to, but I firmly stated that if he did not have the time- it was cool. He agreed and I told him to nevermind that I had even called in the first place. He paused for about three seconds, and then disconnected the call without even saying 'goodbye.'

    And, obviously, I did cut myself that night. And the next. And the next morning. And then just recently today. The phone call, believe it or not, clocked in at under 1:00.

    I've... been reconsidering my outlook on treatment. I realize that I have rights, but really, those rights mean very little in this country. It's the beauty and also the great downfall of simple freewill. Even though the man was being paid in full for talking to me, even though I was completely submissive to his time management, and even though he had probably volunteered for that kinda work anyway- none of that mattered. The simple fact remained-

    I can't force someone to help me. And more importantly- I'm not their responsibility to begin with.

    ... That's really all I needed to say. Of course, I'll probably never call a crisis line again, and while I understand that I shouldn't let "one bad experience" ruin everything- I've begun to realize that, sure there's the chance of treatment and the chance of recovery, but, honestly... even if I did recover completely, I didn't do it by myself. I had to rely upon therapists and doctors to pick up the slack FOR ME. Anyway, this post is more than long enough. If any of you have had any similar situations, please feel free, but not obligated, to post a reply sharing. Thanks.
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