Yeah, so, I'm definitely not going to bother trying anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Aug 8, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Every time I try and show I care, I end up being even more hurt and miserable than before. So now, the only thing I'm going to care about is where I can get some dope and how I'm going to get the money to pay for it. I really think that's going to be best. Actually, no, what would be best would be if I just killed myself right this very second, but since I'm too much of a fucking coward, I'm just going to do the next best thing. Maybe it'll make me so sick that I won't let fear stop me anymore. One can only hope.
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    our best emotions make us vulnerable. things that are most precious are fragile.

    can you say more about what happened? show that you care in the right situation, and you can make a really positive difference in someone's life. you can also form bonds with others that way.

    I hope you can find a way to avoid a self-destructive path, and that your good intentions will survive and and be vindicated.
     
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    What happened is that I broke up with someone I loved more than anything in the world and planned on marrying because he did heroin almost every day straight for an entire year and kept lying to me about it and treating me like shit. I began using with him, but decided to get clean after a while, and he still kept doing it and wouldn't stop. When I broke up with him he chose to seek recovery and I had hope that things would change and we'd get back together. However, he began to care about recovery more than he cared about me. I overdosed because of how depressed I was, and he didn't even care to see me at the hospital because he couldn't put off a fucking NA meeting to make sure I was okay and show me he loved me and cared. So I left him to his recovery and told him to fuck off because I didn't want to be with someone who was always going to put me second. Whether it be behind drugs or behind recovery. I still fucking love him but at the same time I despise him for what he's become. He used to be so different, so amazing in every way. But now it's over and I don't think I'll ever get over it, even though the break up was my choice.

    Ever since, I've been wanting to use heroin again. I tried my best to control myself and not act on it. I met another guy afterward who seemed like he could make me happy. He made all sorts of promises to me, and even told me he loved me. Turned out, he was just a fucking liar and didn't do anything he promised me he would do, so I left him today, too.

    And now, I am 5 months clean from heroin, but this won't be the case tomorrow because I am going to wh*re myself out to a random guy for a bundle of dope. Do I care that I'm going to be prostituting for drugs? No, not really because I already feel like a stupid slut anyway for letting the guy I broke up with today have sex with me anyway and actually being dumb enough to think it meant something.

    I really don't give a fuck anymore. I'm tired of giving a fuck. The only relationship I'm going to get into ever again is with heroin, the only thing that ever truly made me happy and I know for sure won't disappear out of my life.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2012
  4. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    "The only relationship I'm going to get into ever again is with heroin, the only thing that ever truly made me happy and I know for sure won't disappear out of my life."

    Truly made you happy ??
     
  5. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Yes. More so than anything else has, at least. Sure, I feel sick as fuck when the high goes away, but it doesn't really matter because I'm on suboxone. So, when I start to feel sick, I can take the Sub and make it go away, and then just use again. Learned that little trick from my ex-fiancé.
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I know it's difficult, but you can't have it both ways. To recover from any addiction or mental illness, you have to put yourself first. You put yourself first when you told you broke up with your fiance and that if he wanted things to work he had to get clean. Which he has done, which to me shows that he loves you and has put you first. But when you recover from something you have to put yourself first sometimes because it is the most difficult time of your life. Sometimes when going through the recovery process with a loved one, while they recover we have to take a step back because it's about them, not us.
     
  7. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Seriously? So if someone that you supposedly love overdoses and is in the hospital, lucky to not have gone into a coma, you're not even going to visit them because of your regularly scheduled NA meeting? You think that's moral? Fuck that shit. He doesn't even care whether I live or die. That's not putting me first. That's not love. That's selfishness, and not something I'll ever deal with from anybody. Addict or not.

    And it wasn't even just that...that was just the final straw. He had been acting like he couldn't care less about me for a whole week before that. That's why I OD'd in the first place.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2012
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    five months clean is a big accomplishment. please don't throw that away.

    i know that because of the hurt you've been through, it's easy to turn to self destruction. if you self destruct, those who don't care about you win, and those who care about you lose. the best way to respond to people who just used you is to be better off without them.

    we care about you here. please let us help you get through this.
     
  9. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    How is becoming like the person who you feel has done you wrong a correct solution? Your only solution to find wellness and happiness is to get some assistance in beating your drug addiction.
     
  10. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I'm not "becoming" like the person who has done me wrong...I already am exactly like him. I've used for a year before I got clean. Now I'm an addict, too. And it's too late now to try to be anyone else.
     
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    imho, whether initially or somewhere in the middle of their addiction, addicts usually use their drug to cope with life.

    i don't know if your ex-fiance was someone who was just selfish all along, or maybe he just wasn't able to both cope with the problems you were having and his own without relapsing.

    giving to someone else has to be done from a position of inner strength that allows you to give, and maybe your ex just wasn't in that place.

    I think that your ex owes you an explanation for why he couldn't visit you. if he was just too weak to do it, maybe you could forgive him. I'm not saying that you should get back together with him, but rather let go of the anger if you can.

    going to na yourself might be helpful. they may help you get through the crisis, and maybe give you an explanation for your ex's behavior.
     
  12. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I don't really need an explanation. I've dealt with my own addiction for a significant amount of time now and watched his addiction consume him and ruin our relationship. So, I understand why he acted the way he did. He used heroin on and off for 10 years of his life. Coming off of drugs completely left him very weak and vulnerable. He doesn't know how to cope with his emotions because he was used to covering them up with drugs. That was the only way he knew how to live. Because of this, he could no longer take on the responsibility of being in a relationship because showing any kind of compassion and understanding toward another person without being on drugs was completely foreign to him. Also, people who are weak and vulnerable are easily manipulated. So it wasn't difficult for the program to completely strip him of his personality; the personality that I fell in love with. He used to be a very selfless person (not quite so much anymore when he started using again, but it was still evident that all was not lost even when he was an active use). However, since NA tells you to put yourself and your recovery first at all times (and, again, keeping in mind the fact that he is easily manipulated due to his mental state, has stopped thinking for himself, and instead decided to let NA tug on his puppet strings), every last ounce of selflessness he had left had completely disappeared and he became someone whom I didn't even feel like I knew anymore. Someone whom I could not bring myself to love anymore. So, yeah. I understand it all quite well. But understanding it doesn't mean that I agree with it or find it acceptable in any way.

    The guy I was going to go see today to get drugs from ended up backing out. Well, not really backing out...he still said he could do it on Saturday, but by then I had sort of decided against the idea, anyway. I still wanted drugs, but having sex with that piece of shit just to get a fix was starting to feel less and less worth it...I did end up deciding to go to NA this evening instead. Honestly, my initial intentions were to try to find someone who was still actively using and try to befriend them and their drug connections, but the more I sat there and listened to people talk about their experiences, the more I began to let go of that idea, too. The people there were really nice and welcoming. Everyone tried to talk to me, hug me (seriously, those people hug A LOT), and introduce me to everyone else. I wasn't quite prepared for that, actually, so it was a bit anxiety-provoking. But nevertheless, it did feel good that they seemed to care so much. One particular woman there who I talked to during the smoke break offered for me to text her whenever I felt like using and needed support. I am a bit afraid to because I always feel like I'm a burden to people when I try to reach out. Although I know that it should be different with her because she's been through it and understands. The only thing I am going to try to be wary of if I start going to these meetings is just making sure that I am not completely brainwashed by them like my ex-fiancé was. I am going to try to merely take what I like from them and leave what I don't, instead of letting them strip me of my individuality.

    So, yeah, still clean for now. Not happy. But clean.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2012
  13. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    :stars: this is good news! heroin is tough to beat by all accounts, but you've already done a great job in beating it
     
  14. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    I don't think hooking up with your ex in the hope it would mean something makes you a slut. I kissed my ex too. One of my friends still hooks up with her ex even though they broke up ages back. You probably missed him and wanted to feel that being with him again. That isn't being slutty. You didn't go on a rampage of hooking up with any guy you saw like guys generally do after a bad breakup.
    Also, there's no one here to convince you otherwise of doing heroin. You know what it's going to do to you unless you're 5 years old, which I seriously doubt. I can assure you it's going to be in a much painful place than you are in right now. For reference, check YouTube.
    Break ups are a part of life. And guys in general are jerks anyway. So you can either be a woman who needs a man for everything or you can be a strong and independent woman who doesn't need a man to keep her happy. Your call.
     
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