I'm pretty sick of myself. I'm sick of my lying and masquerading most of all. I do it because I have to though. If anyone around me knew my intentions I would be locked away. I really feel I need someone to talk to. And i may need medication, though i'll never take it. I've been considering going to a hospital as of late, but April reallly isnt a good month for that. No, far too much going on. Thing is, I've got some pretty messed up thoughts... one of the things I am considering is mass murder, but if i do that i would have to kill my family to spare them the shame. If i killed my family I would have to kill myself (which I planned to do anyhow) but then no one would be able to take care of the dogs. And i cant kill the dogs....that would hurt me. Funny, i think, how i can not even be affected by the thought of killing my family but i tear up when i think about doing that to my dog. So perhaps I should just kill myself? Thing is with that, my family would suffer undoubtedly,(and i fear that after my suicide i would have to watch this take place) though I wish that I could make them understand that my suicide is inevitable. On the other hand, I could just stay locked up for life, in the psych units...that way they wouldnt have to deal with the pain of loosing me to suicide, they could feel good that they "tried to help me" and that "i'm safe in those places" .....they would just have to deal with my absence....but they would take comfort in knowing i'm not dead.. This works out for them, but not me. Could they do that to me, if i vowed that if/when i got out i'd kill people? Would that be grounds to commit me permanently? I'm only 17...i know i'm messed up, and i dont intend on changing, there is no motivation or valid reason for me to do that. One could say that I purposely refuse to "get better" though, only partially. Some of these things that I think simply cannot be forgotten, tossed aside.... I am internally ambivalent about this issue and the routes I have been given....and about many other things. Anyone believe I should be locked up? I do, they'll never get me though. My reign of terror will come along not too long from now... What i really meant to ask is that, since I am not IMMEDIATELY endangering myself or other peoples lives(though do intend to, oh say, in a few months or so) would that be enough of a reason to go to the psychiatirc ward and let them probe me a bit to see whats really going on inside my mind?