yeah w/e

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lilsmiley, Aug 23, 2006.

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  1. lilsmiley

    lilsmiley Guest

    all my brothers dead i wrote something here long but it didnt wut a waste things always happen to me.. im a gangmember from la, cali im alone and imma shoot myself.. my dad was a gangster he ded.. all my brothers mom is the only 1 left.. im thinking of killing her too..its too much pain..and i cant take it..i was shot 11 times wen i was 15 now 17.. my brothers all over 20 and the youngest 19.. 4 bros total.. all dead all shot.. 1 stabbed to death..i joined a gang wen i was 10.. i dont know why i was allowed to live such a life..i might have killed b4.. shot 2 people in my lifetime and til this day dont know if they are dead or not and dont care..i cant talk to any1 cause they dont understand and wen i do.. i cry.. g's dont cry is wut i say to myself and i try to wipe my tears.. its so much pain.. i miss my family i miss my dad i miss my brothers i live my mom she isnt wut she was.. my first bro died in 1999 .. 2 died in 2003 .. my oldest died in 2005..and im all that is left.. my dad died wen i was life is so sad and no1 cares these is no god..that is my belief he nvr helped me nvr showed my a sign.. nothing good just pain and sadness and tears.. im mexican and thats doesnt help either..i cant stand watching my mom cry herself 2 sleep..cry wen she is home on the couch watching a spanish show..she is not the same person wen she got here on usa.. i wrote more of wut i felt but it didndt save cause i didnt log in.. i typed this over..shit man my bro stole this computer.. im nothing..never was and until now i know that i should remove myself from this piece of shit could some1 allow a kid to live in such a city of animals.. dog eat dog..kill or be killed a warzone.... all i can say is 18th street 4 life..all i have pride for isnt something any1 can see as being PROUD of but it is to me and thats why no1 will ever understand.. this is the first time i let wut i feel inside be known by white people thanks..u refuse to let a ms-13 piece of shit kill me like my brothers..not killing myself fuk that and fuck the world..i dont wanna write no suicide note..i hope the devil has a cage for me cause he is gonna need it peace i luv u mom i hope u know that.. saying it to u in life doesnt matter to u..too much pain for it make u a little happy..i too mommy.. man why is life so cruel ..
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Sounds like you've been through a war and back and I'm sorry you've lost most of your family to this tragedy but I don't think adding to it by killing yourself and your mum would solve the cycle of pain. Something has kept you alive .. alive long enough to find us and for that I am grateful.

    You sound like you care for your mother a great deal, caring is best done among the living and not from high above where your tears cannot be felt. And no, I don't believe in hell, there may well be but I choose not to believe in it, you've suffered enough and hell is the worst of fates and to be honest I don't think you deserve it.

    I'd like to get to know you a bit more before you decide on anything definite, you can pm me anytime, I am at your disposal, I know you havent had anyone to chat to about this but maybe you have a chance to get it all out now that youve found us?
  3. rojer

    rojer Active Member

    This is my opinion I don't think people like you should go to hell I don't think anybody should be going to hell. What we become is influenced by the people around us and if god made that choice to place us in that kind of place he shouldn't be one to judge who goes to hell and who doesn't.

    Well that's my opinion if you disagree go ahead.
  4. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Hey, almost my whole family is in a gang. I'm really sorry to hear about your brothers and your dad though... PM me anytime (I know what you are going through) if you need to talk. And even gangsters cry, my brother does a lot, and he is VERY respected, if you know what I mean. I'm ashamed to cry too: 1) cause I'm a girl and my brothers all expect me to cry when I get hurt (emotionally, physically or mentally) and 2) because I feel like I'm weak or powerless. But crying helps sometimes. Again, I'm sorry. I send lots of :hug:. I hope you keep your chin up. Adios..
  5. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Smiley;

    You have been thru a few wars, haven't you? I feel very badly that your life so far has been so unhappy and full of cruelty. Is there anyone at all you can talk with honestly? Not another gang member, I mean someone who could possibly help you climb out of the violent and miserable life you've fallen into. Please consider us friends and come here to let off steam before you hurt yourelf or anyone else. I care about you. I don't have to know you personally to care about you, I care about any living being in pain and loneliness, whether animal or human being. Please don't give up on yourself. You must really love your mom - maybe if you try real hard you can get yourself and your mom out of the hell you're living in. It's worth a try, isn't it?

    love to you and lots of hope,

  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    im sorry to hear about your brothers and dad, it must be hard to go threw something like that and for that i am deeply sorry, any mother biggest fear is to lose their children and for you mum to loose 4 in the space of six years is going to be very heart breaking, losing one child is very traumatic but to loose 4 is unbelievable traumatic, your mum will get threw the pain shes feeling but its gonna take time and if you and her stick together threw this terrible time then your relationship with her will grow closer. you mentioned about killing you mother, ask yourself is it right to take someon else's life? im sure you were extremely angry at the people who killed you brothers but they took your family's life but if you go threw with 'killing your mother' your doing exactly what they did, your lowering yourself to their standard and all of us know your better than that otherwise you wouldn't be here right now, imagine if you did decide to kill her, imagine being in fear that your own son is going to kill you, your only son you have left, the fear she would be feeling in un-imaginable (however you spell it), everyone knows here that you dont want to put your mother threw something like that.

    killing yourself is gonna add to your mums situation, shes lost 4 sons she doesn't want to lose another, i think you need to do something for your self, deep down i think you want out of all the gangster crap and live a normal life, that can only happen if YOU make it happen, it wont be easy, you need to cut off all ties with gang members etc. but after doing that i think deep down you will feel a whole lot better, maybe move away with your mother, start a new life, re build your life your life before its too late, and its not to late, your a young adult whos been influenced by others, its NEVER too late.

    maybe think about getting some couselling about your brothers murders, having someone close to you be killed is very traumatic, but you have had four family members killed over 6 years and maybe friends of yours have been killed in the gang life aswell, and its affected you in a very traumatic way and you may need help controlling your emotions right now, its not a sign of weakness to show you need help, in my eyes it takes more of a man to ask for help than to not ask for it. be the man you want to be, dont let others control your life. ask yourself 'do i want this life im living up until the day i die?' deep down you don't, you seem exstremly unhappy about your live right now so go out and change it for the better before its too late.

    dont make any rash decisions about killing yourself, think about how its going to affect your mother, theirs no harm in trying to get help or changing your life for the better, your be happier in the long run.

    im here if you wanna talk

    vikki x
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    How very heartening it is that you posted means you do want to connect and be cared for...that is what we are here for...about what has happened to many neighborhoods, it is either join a gang or be out there all alone ... a sad realilty of urban life...please know that we are here for you, and that we want you to live and be a part of our 'family'...this may help you find other ways of being...again, thanks for sharing with us...that was very brave of you...big hugs, jackie
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    im very sorry for you loss

    this is a site to help with people dealing with depressive emotions

    once again sorry for your loss :hug:

    vikki x
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