Yeah

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by resistance, Oct 22, 2006.

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  1. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    This past week, I haven't been online a lot because I've simply been keeping myself to myself. This past month has been difficult, overhelmed with guilty, crying myself to sleep everynight wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I haven't been online for a while, it's good to know that no one missed me. No one would miss me if I was to end my life, and I really feel like doing so. I have nothing to live for.
     
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Ill have you know i missed you!!! :hug: :tongue:
     
  3. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I struggle to believe that, but thankyou anyway.
     
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Well you should believe that! i don't say something unless i believe it, and i would never lie to anyone.
     
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry, I shouldn't have started this thread. It was probably best if I did stay away. Sorry to you too Vikki :hug:
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Res, I noticed you hadn't been about and missed you too. You were in my thoughts and just last night I thought about sending you a card. Still want one? You take care hun. We love you. :hug:
     
  7. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Resistance.. I missed you.. I sent you an e-card the other day :( .. am not sure if you've seen it yet?

    I truly did miss you.. sorry you've not been doing good.. I have been thinking of you

    Big hugs
    Jenny x
     
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    No need to say sorry :hug: i did notice you havn't been around lately :sad: and i did miss seeing you around :sad: and i think you should of started this thread :tongue: just shows how much people care for you on here including me :hug:
     
  9. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I haven't checked my mail for a few days, but thankyou I will check now.

    I haven't felt this down for a while, I can't sleep at night because that's when things hit me the most. I thought I was doing 'okay' with my step-mums death, but this past month, it's hurting greatly and I feel so guilty. I miss her a lot, the last days of her being alive keep flashing through my head, how bad she was, her last words, the hospital, in the ambulance, what the paramedics were saying and I keep hearing her and seeing her when during the night she was saying she wanted to see a nurse and we thought it was her mind playing tricks like it had been and we took no notice. How could I have been so fucking stupid?! I should have listened. I should have got her to a hospital but I didn't and I blame myself for her death. Do you understand how horrible that feels? I let her down, and I hate myself for it. I cry during the night, literally screaming for her and I keep saying I'm sorry just *hoping* that she could hear me but how do I know that she's forgiven me? It hurts too much.
     
  10. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun im sure she would have thought you was doing what was best, if you had got her to the nurse it might not of made a differance, no one will ever know. You can't beat yourself up over whats happened, it will make you feel worse. She loved you and i gaurentee she would not want you to beat yourself up like your doing, and she would not want you to put the blame on yourself. None of us know when our life will be taken from us, and it was her time, hun you couldn't of done anything about it.

    I can understand how everything hits you at night as the same thing happens to me. I can 'kind of' understand a tiny bit of what your feeling. About a year ago my brother to an overdose in my living room and was literally SCREAMING down the house, there was only me and my now 9 yr old brother in the house, he was screaming in pain and i was too scared to go and check on him, i had no idea what i should do, i was scared. The police and paramedics came to the house, and i broke down in tears in guilt because i should of checked on him when he was in need, i feel guilty for that, and even tho i dis like who he has become and havn't spoken to him in months i will ALLWAYS feel guilty for that.

    Im not saying i understand what you've gone thru so please don't take it the wrong way, i just wanted to show you that i know how the guilt can feel, beating yourself up about it will make your emotional state much worse, so please don't take it out on yourself, im sure that is not what she would of wanted, she would of wanted you to be happy and make the most out of your life.

    Vikki x

    :hug:
     
  11. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I don't know if she would have gotten better if I took her to a hospital sooner, she had had a pretty nasty infection but apparently if caught earlier she would have been okay. Even if she still would have died, at least her last wishes would have been fulfilled and even though one of the last sentances I can remember her saying was, "Tell *my name* I love her", I still can't help but feel like I've let her down.

    Damn this hurts so much, can't even type without crying. :( I need to try and believe she still loved me, and I didn't let her down, it's just very difficult and it's not like I can go up to her, hug her and appoligise, really wish I could, though.

    Anyway, I can't help but feel a few people on the forum are getting fed-up of me talking about my step-mum and I'm sorry. I still really think I should have stayed away.
     
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Res, I don't think any of us are getting fed up with you talking about your step-mom. I know I understand. You are still in the grieving stages. It has been almost a year since I lost my dad. So many things still remind me of him and things he did or said. I feel responsible for his death as well, long story and this is about you not me :). What you are going through is normal. It doesn't make it easier when you feel responsible. Please keep talking to us re, we care. We don't want you to stay away. PM me or talk on MSN if you want. I am here for you hun, as much as you will allow me to be. :hug:
     
  13. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun no one is fed up of you talking bout your step mum or how your feeling, talk to us, we all care bout you ok, it's much easier to push someone away rather than talk to them, please don't push us away we care about you so let us try help you :hug: and its perfectly okay to cry! your still in grieving :hug:

    Vikki x
     
  14. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I was just talking to someone online and they said, I quote:[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]

    [/FONT]'It was all your fault. You killed your step-mom, how could you? Why didn't you do anything about it? You are such a horrible person you should have died isntead of her!'

    I can't agree more. I wish I did die instead of her.
     
  15. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    who said it??? i want there msn because they are bang out of order! the are SO wrong its unbelievable.
     
  16. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I'm a member on a teen peer-to-peer support site and one of the members added me to MSN. They seemed genuine but then I told them about this situation and they said that. I find it hard to know if he was a 'troll' or whether he was being geniune. Either way, he went offline straight after saying it and I told the moderators on that site because I thought they should be aware of it.
     
  17. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun im telling you he was bang out of order and its NOT your fault, i wouldn't lie to you, anyone who knows me well enough on here know ill tell it how it is, and if i thought the same way as that twat i would of said, but i truely believe that it was not your fault and you are nothing to blame for what happened.
     
  18. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    Res, told u every1 missed u.
    I have.

    Keep in touch bab.


    Spikes xxxx
     
  19. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Do you think seeing a brevement counsellor would help things? I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now but I can't help but think I'd get in trouble.. If I was to tell the doctor or whoever that I delayed getting my step-mum treatment then I'm worried I'll get in trouble and will actually be charged or something for the cause of her death.

    I struggle to talk about my step-mum. I can't talk about it because it hurts soo much and I think that if I was to be able to talk then it would help because I am bottling a lot of things up.

    But then I think to myself I don't deserve anything like that. I don't deserve help because I did contribute to her death. I was on the phone to my boyfriend earilier and I said I was still feeling guilty and he said, "It's not like you held a pillow over her head, is it?" and no, but I may as well have, with the amount of guilt I am feeling.

    I went back to my self harm last night, I just don't know if I can go on feeling this way. I feel so empty like a part of me is missing and it's my fault she was taken away in the first place. :(
     
  20. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    Hun, you did nothing wrong.
    I think a bereavement counciller would help a lot.
     
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