Year of losses....guilt of it all

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by yeahmayb, Nov 27, 2007.

  1. yeahmayb

    yeahmayb Antiquitie's Friend

    This year has been a nightmare. I was brought out of a very abusive situation, to a loving home. My children and I were faced with accepting this love, or entering the homeless shelter system, which is a horrible nightmare. I had agreed to aid with the care of her mother, who was chronically ill, so hopefully there would be far less work missed on her part. I graciously accepted the situation. When we moved, her mother was about to exit the hospital. She was here 2 1/2 days, and had to return. 3 and half weeks after we moved here, she passed on. I was with her at the hospital. She was far to young, and I got her children through it all. I made all of the calls, when they were grief stricken with explaining situations, I stepped up not forcing them to explain it all. My friends brother became so close through all of that. He spent a few months with us non stop. I fed him, and made sure his things were ready so he just had to worry about work. He aided me with getting me to my childrens sporting events and such. We were in a pretty rough car accident last December. We bonded even closer with that.

    In the months to come, he would come over, and say--not safe to be alone, and he would disappear to read a book, or go to my room and watch television. He wasn't a bother, but he was struggling. When Ron was ready---he would come out and talk it out, or sometimes not talk at all about it, just get a hug. It was a brother sister bonding I had never experienced.

    In this past year, I have been blessed with finding a love and acceptance that I never imagined possible. My children have blossomed, in love and being able to be themselves. In October, I did what I had sworn I would never do again, and married. I knew then, we would not be a family of 4 but a family of 5 with a wonderful brother in the midst. Always at our backs to be "Uncle Bubby". 3 weeks after our wedding, I was called and was told he hadn't showed at work... I went to his home, and I found him in his bed. You know, this is NOT fair. He was 42 freaking years old....he spent the night 3 nights in my home last week. He ate 7 meals with us.....NO WAY NO WAY....

    My mind and my heart in this constant tug of war. My mind knows---I was to be here to get my better half through this all. My heart says--if I hadn't moved, if I wasn't here, it would have never have happened, they both would still be here and they would have that wonderful family unit still in place.

    I know, a day at a time, things will turn out---I am tired, I am exhausted, I can't do it all again. My health is a wreck, my mind is a jumbled mess, my heart is wrenched. Yet--I still have 3 people that depends on me 24/7. I have had all kinds of health tests run, which all of those have led to more tests, cause there were problems, which aren't adding up. I am sure a lot of it is the stress....I just can't cope.............It is all so overwhelming...

    Bubby--we love you and will miss you always.......

    Ronald Thomas Murphy...........10/15/65-11/13/07