Years ago I promised my eldest daughter that I wouldn't kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by theleastofthese, Jun 3, 2008.

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  1. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well now I'm sorry I made that promise. I can't make myself out to be a liar or I'd have died before now. I'm just mad at myself for having promised such a thing. My life is worth nothing, but i have to keep living just to keep my promise to eldest daughter. I'm sorry i did so, only now, I can't kill myself cause of my dogs would have no one to care for them. I can't abandon them so I'm forced to stay alive, no matter how useless my life is.

  2. Digital Angel

    Digital Angel Well-Known Member

    Don't worry there's no free will anyway, our brains control what we do so 'you' didn't make the promise. Your brain did which you have no control over.

    So cheer up.
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Are you saying I have permission to kill myself?? I couldn't live with the guilt over abandoning my dogs. Never mind the kids, they have another parent to go to if I weren't around. It' s the dogs I worry about. Selfish hateful me. Worrying about my dogs over my kids, what a hateful bitch.
  4. Digital Angel

    Digital Angel Well-Known Member

    No, it's not that. If you think you should stay you should especially if you have a reason for your animals. I'm just saying don't feel guilty if you can't hold on for whatever reason. Free will is mathematically impossible so I suppose just try your best and that's all you really can do. Good luck with whatever you decide on.
  5. ZundertowZ

    ZundertowZ Well-Known Member

    my ex took my dog and i havent seen her in 4 months, i miss her very much!
  6. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    my dad took (at his last visit) my last reason for not wanting to be his daughter anymore. I wish i'd never been born. He's a hateful sob and my mom isn't bright enough to understand my reasons for hating him, only complains about my "bad language" in describing his nasty ass. So may as well write her off also. Am just wishing I could have a terrible accident so no one would "fault" me for leaving, but would be sympathetic for the survivors of such a terrible "accident". Wish I could just die right now but would leave too many questions and no insurance. It has to be an accident so oldest daughter would have money to divide up, and there would be no resentlment for my "suicide".
  7. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way, hun. I wish I had more words for you now, but I don't have many words right now, I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon.. If you would like to talk, contact me anytime, I can always lend an ear, even if I don't have many words at the time. :hug:
  8. amicrazy

    amicrazy Well-Known Member

    it's good that you made that promise. your daughter deserves to have her mother for as long as nature allows

    and, you know you made that promise to force yourself to stay strong and stay alive. well, that's what i think anyway.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I made a similar promise, and I am wishing I could take it back. At least the promise I made was that I would call before I did. I guess that means I have more leeway. I really want to see you stay for yourself, not just you daughter and the dogs. I wish so much that you could be happy. You deserve to be happy. :hug:
  10. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Don't worry about that, I admit it sounds like something that is awful, to care more about your dogs than your children. But I am assuming your kids have given you trouble haven't they, one reason for your depression?

    Our pets do not pester us like our children can, since they are simpler creatures, the worst they could do for example is chew up our furniture. So its normal if you may like them at times more than your children, even if it sounds bad, its actually normal.

    Hey, look at me, my grandmother passed away in April and I feel nothing. But I feel awful for not feeling sadness over her death, I sometimes feel like a cold hearted monster.

    But then again, I never knew her, I only saw her briefly two times in my life so it is normal isn't it? It sounds bad but given the circumstances, its "normal" that you and I feel the way we do.
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    this is not true. quite simply, you are a force of kindness and goodness in this world. could it be that the most recent troubles with your dad have caused an emotional backlash within you?

    how can we help?
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Least, it sounds as though your thoughts are becoming more graphic :( Of course your Dad has absurdly high expectations of you. He's your Dad after all and he probably idealizes you, or wants to do so. And your Mom may only be standing by your Dad to present a "united front", as they call it. You don't necessarily know what is going on in their minds any more than you know what is going on in theirs. They may very well be terrified about your condition (and rightly so?).

    Believe me, I know what it's like NOT to live up to the expectations of your family...but you have children of your own, and so you can understand that your love sometimes may appear to be criticism or derision on the part of the child.

    Please hang on and try to see yourself as the lovely person you are.
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Don't set your standards so high. When you are in this state of mind you need to take baby steps. You need to bank every thing positive that you have accomplished so when you do slip backwards you can pull up one of those poitive thoughts to counter balance the negative.
    For example even though you feel this low you put forth the effort to make someone else happy. I have read your posts and can see the emotion you put forth to help others. Please don't harm yourself. We are here for when you get this low to help in any way we can. Give it a go and see if this doesn't help a little...:chopper:
  14. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    You are alive for a reason, otherwise you would have killed yourself long ago. Your promise to your daughter was planned by something beyond yourself meaning that no one has the total answer, only God does. Nobody is alone in this world unless you choose to believe this. I hope you realize that no matter what you are feeling, you have support by people who truly care which comes from a higher source. If you see this, the choices you make will come a lot easier by recognizing you are loved beyond measure.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2008
  15. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank you all for your love and support and suggestions. I have even more reason to be depressed right now as I ruined my sober time and drank two days ago. Now am trying to wean myself off of it - again, and having a horrible time with the withdrawals. I guess I deserve it tho, I drank when I knew better.:sad:
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