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Years of mistakes and drama, all fogiven and overcome, now all for nothing?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by NeverAgain, May 11, 2012.

  1. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

    My fiancee and I have been together for over 3 years now and she is my first serious relationship so this is tough for me. I'm 24 and still young.

    We met online, and from the start she lied about herself. She turned out to be morbidly obese and lied about it, I never once said it mattered to me be she assumed it did. She also lied about being married at the time(she was married and didn't tell me, and then got divorced right before we first met), and a lot of other things. But when we finally met in person, and I realized these lies, we had a rough time but I was so madly in love I got over it and forgave her.

    Then about a year later, another instance happened where she had a big web of lies all spun up and whenever I'd discover it and question the things she lied about, she'd just get super defensive and blame me, making me feel like a horrible person. Eventually I uncovered so much of her lies that she had to admit to it again and we had a huge discussion as she told me everything. (more stuff about her past, flirting with guys/crushes, I honestly can't remember all of it because I buried it away I think)

    I forgave her yet again, we moved past it.

    I'm a very open person and had an amazing relationship other than that where we talked about everything and knew every detail about each other. We never fought and disputed over dumb little things like I see a lot of couples fight over, but when we did have an argument it was over something huge(her lying about major issues)

    I asked her to marry me, we've been engaged for over a year.

    Anyway, now today it's happening again. But this time much worse. :,(
    She had been keeping something from me, for over a month now. She has been talking with a guy she met online on a forum. She talked to him a lot, but didn't tell me. Eventually I found out and admitted to talking to him a lot, but said they were just friends. That was fine with me of course. So after I found out, she started doing voice calls with him online knowing that I already knew he existed. They clearly were flirting, all of the time, but she assured me it's careless flirty chat that means nothing and is just teasing and being nice.

    Now I find out, they both have deep feelings for each other even though they've only been talking a month, and she claims to be "confused" with her and I, and is in love with him. And as she puts it, "I know I'm in love with him, I don't know for sure about you anymore, but I know I can't be in love with two people at once so I must not be in love with you anymore then."

    It's a tough situation to explain without a novel, but she's also far away from home. She moved here to be with me. She can't just up and leave me and go home... She's basically stuck here because it's expensive to travel. So in my opinion, she's just been nice to me for awhile because she knows it'd be way worse for her if she broke up with me and then was stuck here forever until she saves up to leave. She gives me the impression that she's been trying to hide this guy from me because she wants to wait until she can actually up and leave me for him. She's flat out said she's in love with him and wants to be with him.

    I don't know what to do. As I write this I'm in a state of shock, staring at my monitor eyes frozen open and dried tears all over my face. She's sitting basically beside me on her computer voice chatting with this guy, the whole time she's asked me to not be a part of "her online world" and to not talk and stuff while voice chatting with him so he doesn't hear me... I realize now that I'm an idiot for believing her, but she had told me this was because she just wanted to be "alone" in her online world and that it was the one thing he had of her own and wasn't shared.

    I see now that it was just her not wanting this guy to find out about me also, and that she's engaged. I don't know why, but I'm honoring it and not butting in and exposing her lying to him, he thinks she's single. She's actually really sad right now because he's been wanting her to move and be with him, and to say they're officially a couple and such, but she's been saying no because she can't move atm and of me being here. So he basically told her tonight "I don't want to keep flirting with you and having feelings for you if you don't want to be with me, we should just be friends" and now she's like begging him to take her back... It's disgusting, I can't believe this is happening to me. I thought we were perfect and stronger than ever for overcoming what we've gone through.

    I'm sorry if this is so long, it's completely new to me. I don't know what to do. Clearly we're over, she loves someone else and is just dealing with me in the meantime until I can be out of the picture. Even if she comes back to me, this could happen again easily, especially if he same guy comes back(if he even goes away for sure)

    I don't know what to do. I've never been suicidal, I've never seen that as an option before.
    My whole life has revolved around her... She was my everything... -sigh-, I'm starting to cry again... I don't know how I could ever get over this.
    I miss her, I miss what I thought we were until a few hours ago... Hearing her begging him to take her back is killing me... But if I went for a walk or something I'd be hurt even more wondering what she's saying. I'll stop now...
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2012
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Seriously, this girl doesnt love anyone!
    Am not sure she's capable of it tbh.
    clearly she is a game player and you have had a narrow escape.
    I know it doesnt feel like an escape at the moment, because you still have feelings for her, but I promise you you will recover from this and meet someone decent and kind and not a bloody user!
    Kick her out!
  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I agree with Terry. You will recover. You need to tell her that it's over, and to get out of your life and out of your residence. Give her two weeks notice.
  4. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

    But that's the problem, I can't bring myself to do this... It'd be easier to just... than to tell her I don't want her anymore and to leave. I still love her, I know it's pathetic but I do. She was my first serious relationship, and the first I've had sex with.

    I know virgins are famous for clinging onto their first relationships like this, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. :/
  5. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I'm sorry man, but I can't believe what I'm reading.

    She sounds like an absolutely wretched human being-- I don't really know you but I can't imagine that you would be so desperate that you would need someone like this in your life. Sometimes loneliness is better. Actually, for the most part, loneliness is usually better.

    I know I'm shallow and it's horrible to say, but I could almost forgive you for accommodating her if it weren't for the morbidly obese part… that's messed up. A little chubby is sexy and even workably overweight is totally worth it if her personality is good and she's willing to work on it together. I know that people are supposed to be open-minded about these things and all, but it never ceases to amaze me how women with so little to offer can so easily get whatever they want from the opposite sex…

    You do NOT want to spend the rest of your life feeling like you do now, which is what will happen if you don't kick her fat a** to the curb RIGHT NOW. No money for a hotel, no cab fare, no goodbye sex or whatever… just get her the hell out of your house-- think of it as ripping off a bandaid. Be a man and stand up for yourself. There are plenty of valid reasons to kill yourself but this… woman… is 100% NOT worth it.
  6. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    I concur. There's really nothing i can add to this.
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    what will happen if you don't end this, is your self respect and worth will become so eroded that you will agree to anything, making you more and more depressed.
    God knows, I know how hard it is to give up on someone you love, but this girl neither loves nor respects you (or herself by the sound of it).
    First love is a bitch, but you can move on and find someone worthy to love, it just takes time to heal.
  8. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2012
  9. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    I disagree, nobody should commit suicide.
  10. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    Well… I do think it's kind of terrible that the people who do commit suicide tend to be so nice.

    This might be something of a hijack, but I think things like sensitivity and tolerance tend to open you up to a lot of frustrations as well as making you easy prey for people like the OP's fiance… which in turn means even more emotional havoc and then yes, if you can't pick yourself up, suicide.

    You also tend to be more self-critical and beat yourself up over your mistakes, which makes you less confident, less secure and more passive…. and then add on that other people sense this and probably beat you up over your mistakes as well-- it just doesn't pay to be so tolerant. I think that there's some truth to the whole 'nice guys finish last', except it applies to girls too… it's mostly the girls who are a little bit cruel/more aggressive who end up getting what they want.

    The OP sounds like a reallllly nice guy… probably too nice. You need to be at least a little superficial. You need to be at least a little cruel from time to time. You need to not give a f**k about some things. Easier said than done, however.
  11. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

    I know guys, but me coming out of nowhere and telling all of the negative qualities of a person can make ANYONE look like a terrible human being. She's only ever made 3 mistakes in the time of our relationship... Sure, they were all big ones, but besides that she's actually the one that's "too nice". That's how this even started in the first place. Our relationship is amazing and perfect when it's good, which is 99% of the time.

    We had a big talk about it basically all of last night and we both never slept, there's a lot more too it and it's complicated to explain, but basically neither of us have any good friends or basically even friends, it's just us against the world and that's it. She doesn't even know how she feels about him, she just had a new friend for once who cared about her and would do things for her as a friend should. She was right to want "her online world to herself" like she said, because like I said we literally shared everything, are around each other 24/7, and have no other good friends to hangout with.(both of our best friends live far away, and we don't go out and drink or party so we don't meet new people that often)

    Basically what I'm thinking happened was this guy came along being nice to her, caring about her, he was a good friend. Then I guess a few nights ago he comes out of nowhere and tells her he loves her as more than a friend and it confused her. She had intense feelings about him, as he was a new and only friend at the moment, so hearing that she started to question herself and think "Do I love him too? Is that what this is?". So she was confused about it and didn't know what "they" were anymore. And then lastnight he says to her "We should just be friends, I don't love you anymore. And we should stop talking as much." She was upset that she was losing a good friend and in the heat of the moment begged him and told him she felt the same way because she didn't want to loose their relationship.

    Like I said, she's also "too nice". This is the root of this problem. She's so nice to people, that sometimes they interpret her niceness as feelings towards them. It's happened before on a much smaller scale, for example previous male friends having little crushes on her because of how nice she treats them(or anyone).

    Like I said, I know it looks bad when I come in here and highlight the negative things about her, but she's not this horrible. I know her side of the story that she's telling me is the truth because I know when she's lying, trust me, she's actually quite bad at it and that's why I always knew ahead of time when something like this would happen, which was only 3 times... So basically one "real" fight/argument a year, I think that's much better than most couples...?

    As for the obese part, she's not like 700 pounds or something, she's at 380 right now if you care to know, and she's still beautiful to me. I only want her to loose weight to be healthy and happy, I don't want to loose her to health problems or something, that's all I care about when it comes to weight.
  12. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    OP, this is painful.

    Let's see if I understand this right:

    1. The title of this thread is 'years of mistakes and drama'. Forgiven and overcome, but still, years of mistakes and drama.
    2. She is keeping secrets about her online life. Not only that, but she's actually guilting you for wanting to know about it.
    3. She was going to leave you for a guy she's never met.
    4. Guy rejects her.
    5. She needs someone.
    6. You don't want to lose her-- to the extent that you're actually coming onto a suicide site because of it.
    7. You create a narrative painting her as a good person so that you have a reason to get back together.
    8. Suddenly there were no mistakes or drama, your relationship is 'amazing and perfect', and the only reason she was going to completely tear you apart and leave you for a complete stranger is because she's 'too nice'.

    PLEASE don't do this to yourself… you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt. This is a textbook co-dependent relationship. I know how exciting the ups and downs can be, but you don't want to do this… really you don't.
  13. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

    1. Yes but it's literally once a year.
    2. She was being defensive, yes.
    3. She never flat out said she was going to leave, that's just how I felt. Like I said, I think she was just confused about him because you can love a friend and care for them intensely, and still not want to loose them. I think she confused these feelings with being "in love" once he said he loved her. Like I said, we literally have no friends and only each other.
    4. Yes he rejected her, but she's more upset that she lost a friend, not that she lost someone she had confused feelings over.
    5. I guess?
    6. Yes, true.
    7. She really is a good person 99% of the time. Like I said, you've only heard the "bad" aspects of her.

    To maybe balance this out, what if I state some of her best qualities?

    - She only lied in the beginning before we met because she didn't accept herself and didn't think I would either, so she lied about her weight, that she had a car(like I care?), and that she didn't tell me that was married and going through a divorce.
    - We share our income, and she NEVER asks for anything from it. All of our money basically gets spent on me or my needs/hobbies.
    - She puts me first in EVERYTHING, and every situation.
    - She always stops everything and tries to make it better if I'm ever upset with something(not just caused by her)
    - She "gets" me better than anyone ever, and we both have sooo much in common
    - She's soooo nice to everyone, I don't know a single person who doesn't like her. Like I said before we only don't have much friends because we don't ever go out and party and stuff.
    - If I do something to upset her she doesn't even tell me because she doesn't want me to feel bad about making her upset. (which I hate, because I'd rather her tell me if I do something annoying rather than hold it in, but it's still her her selfless)
    - She cooks, she cleans, all without asking me to help. And when I try to she actually tells me not to and to let her do it.
    - She feeds our cat and changes it's litter box.
    - She up and moved away from her hometown just to be with me, I didn't even have to ask she offered knowing one of us would of had to move.

    ect ect... I could go on forever about all kinds of little things like this. These are all what I love about her.

    I'm just trying to even her image out a little bit on here. I'm still hurt, but only because I'm still a bit confused since she herself is still confused about what happened. A good and only friend tells her he loves her, and then 2 days later says they should just be friends and stop talking as much? He was the only other person in her life atm besides me.

    I feel like if she had been the one to come on here and post her side of the story, everyone would be agreeing with her side and telling her she's not a bad person.

    I still have that feeling that she's going to break up with me possibly, even though she tells me she still wants to marry me and be with me forever. I'm just still stunned by all of this... I just wish she had a good friend to talk to about all of this, instead of myself since I'm obviously biased.

    We've been living together for so long with basically only us 2 in our lives that when another person comes along it just throws everything off. Wouldn't you too feel like her if the only person in your life for 3 years was your significant other, and then a new friend enters the picture being nice and such? You'd probably be confused also about what's happening considering you're only used to getting that kind of attention from a relationship. She's said it herself that she knows she's in love with me still, but she thought she maybe was in love with this new guy also. So as she put it "I can't be in love with two people at once, so does that mean I don't love you? But I do love you..."

    I think she's done wrong here, obviously, but I feel like it's something truly unintentional and she really does care about me.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2012
  14. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

    She's talking to him again now, she said she wanted "closure" on their friendship because it ended to suddenly. She's telling me he's acting odd and it's not the same conversations they normally have, but it sounds the same to me. I feel like they're going to re-kindle and I am going to be left-behind... I feel stupid for believing otherwise now.

    I have no idea what to think.

    If I was in her place with roles were reversed, and I didn't want to hurt her, I'm pretty sure I'd stop talking to this person completely and never mention them again.
    But maybe that's just me, maybe it's not that easy.
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like this girl has real confidence issues, probably the weight thing doesnt help, and anyone being nice to her makes her feel better about herself so she get too involved.

    Time, I think, to put your foot down and say "no more mr online or else!"

    If she really cares for you she'll let the other guy go.

    Then, I would suggest, you both get an outside interest that gives you a break from each other and the chance to make friends.
    Then you can introduce your new friends to each other giving you a wider circle of friends.
    Living in each others' pockets never bodes well.
  16. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

    Thank you! I think you're getting both sides of the situation now. Thank you, thank you!

    I totally agree with you that she has confidence issues, she doesn't ever end up in this sort of situation "in-person" where others can see her and judge her, when she's online she feels like it's another world and she can be who she wants to be. I trust her fully in every aspect except her online life, it's almost like she thinks she's just playing a video game and all of her actions online have no consequences.

    But how can I go about doing this while causing the least "damage"? I feel like if I'm just suddenly saying "You can't be friends with this guy, stop it now or else." she'll feel threatened and get super defensive, likely resulting in a worse situation. I know she cares about me, but who wants to be told who you can and cannot talk to by your significant other? Like I said, she seems to think "online doesn't count" and that it's some virtual reality.

    And I totally agree that we both need hobbies and friends to spend "separate" time on. lol Two people living together and only ever interacting with each other can be a bit much even if they're madly in love. I have quite a few hobbies myself, but I don't always partake int hem because she literally has none... So I feel bad about going off and doing stuff by myself, excluding her. She's fine with it though, honestly, but I still feel bad for doing it.

    Also, any suggestions for us meeting new friends? We both work with people much older than us so we don't really have much in common, and we don't go out to bars or parties and drink, so it's really hard to meet new friends.
  17. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Leave the girl.

    Let me tell you something. You are not just anyone to her. You are HER FIANCE. HER FIANCE. If this is how she treats you, before you two gets married. How do you think she will treat you once she knows you cannot get out the of the marriage easily and she has a claim on half your property and half your income. If she loves you, she will fear losing you. But she does NOT fear losing you to the point of talking to the "other guy" right next to you!!!!!!! You are sitting right besides her and she talks to the "other guy" about how much she loves him. She does not even fear losing you.
  18. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

    That's my fault, I've told her countless times that I'll never be the one that breaks us up, she knows I'm serious.
    If I had threatened to leave her, I'm sure she'd be taking this a bit more "serious" and not just trying to "have her cake and eat it too."
  19. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok, I can see your point about the whole "you can't speak to this person", but this is just not on.
    It would be one thing if it was a friend and you were included, but it's not, it's some guy on the net; who, lets be honest could be a serial killer for all either of you know.
    I don't think you are being unreasonable to say, this whole situation is freaking you out.

    As to gettting out and meeting people, think about what you are interested in, then maybe join a club (if its sports) or do an evening class, something that gets you both out the house and off the net.
  20. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    You've got to be out of your damned mind to let her talk about "falling in love" with someone else in YOUR house, in YOUR presence. This is not just an online problem - this bitch is not trustworthy. She has lied constantly to you, playing you like an idiot, and you're still having the audacity to defend her and considering letting her stay with you while she disrespects you. You need to give her 500 dollars and throw her into the hands of Mr. Internet so he can ditch her ass and give her a reality check. How foolish do you look bending knee to someone you can't trust? A liar? This is the most ridiculous shit I've ever seen. SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU, SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. SHE'S PLAYING YOU. Fucking sever this "relationship" before you sever yourself over someone like her.

    I will guarantee you she's done this before. As many times as she's lied to you right to your FACE, why, WHY would you believe her even IF she did say that she and Mr. Internet are "over"? Get that bitch outta there before she robs you. You can't possibly be that gullible. This is awful. She doesn't have any respect, regard, or love for you as a person, even as a friend. How could you allow someone to treat you like this? This is not love, at all.

    You've been justifying and excusing WAY too much of her shit for too long. You need to stop crying, get up off your ass, and take a long time to reflect on the quality of this so-called relationship and end it. Stop compromising for her. Stop defending her. This is not how you deserve to be treated after everything you did for her.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2012