yeh..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sa Palomera, Jun 1, 2007.

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  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm suicidal, to the bone. or however you wanna say it, i wanna say it like that right now.
    Tomorrow I'm going to have a blast. Loads of drinks. I'm gonna get off my face.
    Havne't been to therapy this week.
    dont think I will go next week either
    havent paid the rent and health insureance in time this month.
    still havent registered at the docs
    still havent registered at University, whereas that officially had to be done before May 1st
    still haven't gotten back in touch with my parents
    still havent sent my sister an email
    still havent sent ---- an email
    still havent quit hash completely
    still havent quit alcohol completely
    still havent been eating
    still havent been sleeping
    still havent been leaving the house

    and then everyone goes "you're making such progress, I'm proud of you" blablablabla. Fuck that.
    I'm pretty close. Probably not tonight. nah. ha. hopefully soon. I gotta defend the cats first. and if I havent ended up in hospital or six foot under cos of my oh so nice housemate, I can always still do it, right? I should, right?

    I definitely deserve it :sad:
     
  2. dontknowme57

    dontknowme57 New Member

    People get sad and become too sad to do stuff. I do all the time. It's OK to make mistakes and miss deadlines. You can get back up. You can call your therapist, or email your loved ones, or paint a picture or dance around the room to a song. Anytime you want. That's something you have power over. You speak well, I think you're a strong person and have the ability to get through this.
     
  3. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    Oh Ish, :hug: You don't deserve it!
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Ester I want you to get yourself together. You promised me no more alcohol or hashcookies. This is no longer about what ester want. This is about how the time has come for ester to consider ester and no one else. :hug:
     
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Your just very fortunate im not over there Ester, I might not give a fuck about my life, but I do care about yours, you have SOOO much potential, you have both the smarts, and the ability to communicate with people and draw them to you, combined those two together and thats the makings of a leader, do you realise that? Im being serious. Id like to see you get to university and take up that challenge, cause I think you could go a long way...perhaps get involved with university social groups, or pressure groups. I might have the brains, but I dont have that natural affinity with people that you have....please dont waste it.
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I agree with Matt ester. You have so much going in your favor, yet you choose to only see the negatives. You need to work on keeping yourself clean. You know what the alcohol and hash cookies do to you. You have mentioned you don't like who you become on them. Take charge hun. Do something with your life. Don't let the past destroy you. The future could be yours, but you are the one that has to make it happen. You can do it es. I have faith in you. :hug:
     
  7. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Hash cookies? Where, where? I've never tried one. What are they like?

    Bennyway, things'll get better. I can say that I've been in your position hundreds of times. I would feel like shit, then something good would happen.

    I think people like myself who are prone to depression/elation cycles are much more sensitive when it comes to emotion. When you're aware of these cycles, it's just a matter of coping day by day, hour by hour.
     
  8. me1

    me1 Well-Known Member

    Take care Est, plz stay safe. hugs. Here if you need to talk. :)
     
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I promised I'd try. I wouldn't promise to stop it, because I don't make promises which I'm not 100% sure of that I can keep them.

    There's a positive thing too though. I may not have stopped the alcohol and drugs completely, BUT, I used to drink and have crap like every single day. That's not the case anymore. I only do hash every now and then now and alcohol.. well not every day anymore and not excessively much anymore.
    Surely that's at least one thing to be proud of.. well not proud, but it's better than what I did before right?

    Selfharm is less the last days too.

    But meh whatever. doesnt matter lol.
     
  10. LoD

    LoD Well-Known Member

    Est, I know you probably don't want to hear this but I want you to try and go to theraphy, you have nothing to lose. You'll feel better just by going, please try. :hug:

    Spijt hebben daar heb je niks aan, spijt is iets waar je op blijft hangen, 't is een verslaving en het word erger des te meer spijt je hebt. Spijt is een vorm van angst. Angst voor morgen, angst voor fouten, leef zonder angst en je leeft pas echt.

    :hug:
     
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    The fact that you are doing less than you used to is something to be proud of ester. And yes it does matter, because you do. Don't blow off the adjustments and improvements you are making. Progress is coming even if it is in tiny steps. Keep working at it hun. We will deal with the setbacks if they come. Hopefully they won't.You can do it. :hug:
     
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