yern for pain

[poisonedresistance]

Ok guys, heres the thing,,, somtimes I feel like i need to be hurt, beaten, thrashed, torn stretched and ripped open.

This isnt sex, please do not confuse the two, sex has nothing to do with it, its just how i feel inside,, somtimes its just how my flesh looks and feels after it has endured

i used to have a guy i would go and 'play' with, we had an understanding and he knew how far i could be pushed and what i needed at the right moment in time.

Thing is, this guy has left my life now, his wife has decided that he isnt allowed to play anymore,, i feel like ive lost my connection, its had me in bits for days, i havent told anyone untill now.

i so need this in my life and now im contemplating doing some hunting, this is know is a dangerous sport, especialy for the games i like to play:blink:

 

[Advent]

I am not entirely sure of why you posted as it seems you have already made your mind up....

However, messing with peoples lives cannot surley be a good thing. It would appear from what you have posted that you seek out married men, I dont mean to pry, but why would you do this????

 

[poisonedresistance]

No, i have never sought married men, it is a perticular type, a very domminenet type that i seek.

He was someone i met when me and my ex were toying with the idea of an open marrage.

i didnt mean for it to go as far as it did, but my ex was unable to do those things and i think it would be unfair to ask anyone else to do it unless it was what they were into

 

[plates]

yes i have this all the time when i've been hurt/beaten emotionally or otherwise. sometimes this hasn't been in my control- it has just happened, i've been abused. and i've taken it because i know nothing else. but when i realise what has happened, i have fantasies of putting myself in a position where i'm being wrecked by someone else because i am worthless.

to me, it's similar to jumping off a bridge. it is suicide for me.

suppose i've killed myself many times in the past. some of the time i have known on one level, and i just know nothing else and need any contact so i will take anything given.

 

[poisonedresistance]

yes, thats exactly how it is,,, its like a need to feel so utterly used and worthless,,, a desire to just be

 

[plates]

i was thinking how much of it is myself or other people pushing me over that edge? is it suicide or is that murder? people around me throughout my life who have confirmed my use for them, explaining why they treat me as such and who i was (something worthless to be used and discarded). when i realise this and am dying, i would willingly want to be hit around/torn apart/mistreated because at least i have some control over it. i'd willingly put myself in that situation, whereas in the past, others would have done it to me and i'd have accepted that as normal and okay while dying inside.

i think it's about control again?

i don't know, but it's good to hear someone who feels similar to me.

 

[poisonedresistance]

Have you ever hunted it out or acted upon it?

 

[plates]

no i didn't need to, i think it was what happened in the context of a 'loving relationship' anyway. but when i realised what i'd gone through, i had strong urges to do what you describe (mainly it'd be jumping off a bridge but also to search out someone who'd beat me up , make me bleed).

but no i haven't ever acted upon it. i'd use some method of self harm myself when i realised what a worthless bitch i was or how i'd been treated.

 

[poisonedresistance]

i completley under that, as i started to use self harm for that reason too.

but i would literaly rip at myself, a lot was focused on my femanine area so to speak as that is where the abuse had centered.

Now i seek it out,, ive lost this person in my life whom i saw perhaps twice a year for what feels inside like stress reliefe,, its like turning a tap and letting the pressure out.
Just when i feel like im needing this the most as the divorce is going into court for completion and other things, ive lost this very unique and hard to aquire form of stress reliefe.

i say hard to aquire as it took a very long time to build up the trust involved and needed to create the bond that allowed me to explore that side of me.

Without it now i feel lost

 

[plates]

i completely understand :hug: about stress relief. it's a bit like standing in front of a train, one of the things i want to do. it will relieve me of any fight within me and leave it up to an outside force to do what the fuck they like to me.

i found these thoughts eased when i started to soothe myself. instead of destroying life i'd start to nurture it but it is difficult when you have a history of (in my case chronic) abuse and re-enacting that it has a lot of meaning for you and helps you in some way.

 

[poisonedresistance]

I hate feeling like this, its like im incomplete. my partner knows about the 'friend' of mine, i havent told him about the recent developments though, he doesnt know i wont be able to go and see him how i wanetd to.

Im feeling so lost. I dont know what to do. I dont know how im going to find someone to fill that gap in my life,,,

I hate needing this,,,,

 

[plates]

would self harm help that? i can hear how it wouldn't be the same but maybe imagining him doing it to you? maybe you'd get some relief that way?

 

[poisonedresistance]

I passed that threshold a long time ago, thats when i went hunting for someoe who could push me further in new ways. If i go back to S/H Im scared that ill do even worse damage than ive already caused.
it just isnt challenging any more

 

[plates]

have you ever tried loving yourself? (i know this sounds patronising as i can hear how helpful self harm is to you right now). but what you're describing sounds like something that really helps you in some way. do you enjoy feeling worthless or is there any part of you that hates yourself for wanting this and doing it?


self harm is useless for me too. as does willingly putting myself into a position where others harm me- if anyone treats me badly i start screaming or when i realise how i've been taken advantage of i scream and realise how much that has hurt. i'm suffering from what i've put myself into/trusting people who said they loved me but they've done the same shit like everyone in the past. this is where i want to self harm but any damage would be useless as the damage runs deeper than willingly putting myself into a position where i know i'd be hurt and when i look back, i don't think i was even fully conscious of this in the first place.

 

[poisonedresistance]

Ive explored myself, thats a good thing as i know who am am and what i need and desire. mostly im starting to understand why i need and desire now.

This thing, its been a part of me for a long time, inside its like ive turned somthing that was bad and horrid into somthing that i can use for a positive outcome.

i know that just bacause we can do somthing doesnt mean we should but it got me through some pretty tough times.

I feel indifferent towards myself, i just feel incomplete, and it isnt the act of having it done that completes me, its knowing that if i need to, i CAN have it done,, do you understand?

 

[plates]

yep. i understand it's having the option there to go to if it helps you in some way. it's so similar to self harm when i think back to it, i'd go crazy lets say if i couldn't find my blade or if i couldn't binge/purge or do some secret ritual that would help me in some way when i was in control of it. in that way, all my so called "self destructiveness" helped me to stay alive when i was dying.

i understand :hug: it sounds horrible.

i understand the feeling of perhaps, not being connected to yourself, feeling indifferent to yourself, and you just need the pain, some tool to help you get to a place which makes you feel better in some way? is that how it feels like?

 

[poisonedresistance]

Thats exactly how it feels,,

now it isnt there i feel so helpless, im going insane,,, almost to the point of just needing the act rather than building up the trust first,,,

I just dont know where to turn to either stop needing it,,,, or to find it

 

[plates]

i know that lost feeling well.

what helped me stop needing it was when i realised self harming and my eating disorder had no use for me. i threw all the anger that had been hurting, killing me outward rather than inward and realised that self harm was feeding something in the past that was accepted by many around me (and also comforted me as it was the only contact i had and didn't know anything else) but was also killing me, hindering me and stopping me from doing other things ..

i'm not sure if that helps you, but it took me a long long time for anorexia and self harm to have no use for me and this didn't happen over night when i was frustrated because i couldn't do what i wanted.

but you're not at that stage yet because it does have use for you.

i really feel for you as i've felt so similar with cutting and my eating disorder when i couldn't do what i wanted and it seemed out of reach :hug:

 

[poisonedresistance]

thankyou so much, the fact that someone has been through this and has come out the other side is in itself comforting.

I am unsure as to what my course of action will be,, i realy dont know,,,, im struggling with myself so much...

so i pose,, do i go to a bdsm forum and hunt someone to torture me?

 

[plates]

do you want to? do you think these feelings will ease over time? would you regret it?

i feel very similar btw.