I've been suicidal before. I've been closer to killing myself than I am now. But I've never been this suicidal while not experiencing intense, negative emotions (i.e. my crisis moments). I've never been calm and so suicidal. I've never been calm and thought that I'm not going to make it through the week before making some sort of attempt on my life. I've never been so sure that suicide was imminent. My therapist will probably put me in the hospital if she knows this. Going to the hospital won't help; it won't make me less suicidal. In fact, it might make things worse. I want this misery to end.