I realized it just today. I thought I had depression, but no, now I remember that I always was suicidal. It started when I was 15, I used to write really beautiful novels about love and death. Those two seemed unseparated to me. Usually my desire to die is not suicide. But I think about death every day. When I drive I think about doing some stupid thing resulting in car crush. When I'm standing at window in 7-th floor I'm thinking about jumping down and about my dead smashed body on the ground. I think about my laboratory blowing up, some crazy guy killing me on a parking lot... Wherever I am I'm thinking of death. It's always one step behind me. My ideal death... immediate, in a car crush, but the stereo system must survive and play Rammstein or Dope Stars Inc... I think it's beautiful.