Yes! I've done it!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Erebos, Mar 4, 2007.

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  1. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I think I've voided myself of all feeling, or at least, I'm on my way there.

    Several years ago, I felt happiness, care-free, enjoyment, joy, motivated. Those feelings have long since left me only to be taken over by sadness, shame, despair, torment, anger, fear, confusion, hopelessness, and indescribable pain. About a month ago, I'd be in excruciating pain almost every waking moment and I'd cry every time I was alone.

    Two people know about me. The psychiatrist and the acquaintance from back home whom I blurted this out to a week before the psychiatrist visit because I didn't want the first person I tell this to be a psychiatrist. Since then, I've stopped crying. I've stopped silently screaming in pain, curled up in bed in fetal position. I've stopped feeling anything.

    I've stopped feeling anything whatsoever. There's nothing in me but void, emptiness, and a figurative black hole. The pain and sadness aren't there anymore. I feel nothing. I don't even feel numb anymore. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

    I no longer seem to harbour human emotions. Not even hurt or melancholy or any other negative ones. I don't seem to be human any more. I no longer know who I am.

    At first, I missed my familiar feelings of pain and torment and was afraid of this nothingness I was slipping into. Now I've realized that this is enlightenment. This feeling of nothingness will just be like death. In death, we do not feel. In this state, I do not feel either. I have absolutely no fear of death anymore. I've done it. I think I'm ready to make the transition.
  2. bEvans

    bEvans Active Member

    You seem to be a very good writer and thinker, as evidenced by the ideas you were able to beautifully express.
    It would be a shame to lose it all to a few regretable moments of irrationality.
  3. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    yes i agree very good,wirtting skills put in.
  4. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni


    I do hope that where ever you are you seek out some help.....this feeling of nothingness is very much seem almost at peace in the end and thats what kinda bothers me.....please keep us up to date on how your doing.....thinking of you...and sending you lots of cyber support :hug:
  5. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. But this is a success story. The purpose of seeing a doctor was to rid myself of the pain caused by depression, and the result is unequivocal success.

    Divulging it to someone was all it took. Now, I'm still alone, but I don't feel lonely; my family will always be in the same state, but they don't cause me grief; my innate qualities are still a part of me, but knowing that doesn't keep me awake at night wondering "why me?"

    Feelings have left me. I tried at first to induce them in order to cling on to the last scrap of what still made me human. It reminds me of the Three Days Grace song: "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

    Now, I'm fine and I've accepted it. It's what I wanted. To not have to be burdened with pain anymore. I don't feel fear anymore either. Maintaining this state of oblivion, it doesn't matter anymore if I go tomorrow or in 50 years. There's no meaning left and the transition will be smooth.
  6. Quezi

    Quezi Member

    Re: Yes! I've done it?

    The thread title suggests you still have feelings.

    In my experience, altered states are (sadly) short lived.

    I'm afraid it'll all blow over in a couple of days.
  7. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    Re: Yes! I've done it?

    Whatever reminiscent feelings you see stem from him. He's the fake disguise that fools everyone when I'm in public. He used to be real, but not anymore. He will die soon.

    I sincerely hope this state isn't ephemeral. It just seems to make so much sense. I don't want anything to disrupt this epiphany that I've reached. Thus, I haven't taken any of the antidepressants that she prescribed me yet. There's no point. I'm not depressed anymore. I just want to remain free.
  8. Quezi

    Quezi Member

    Re: Yes! I've done it?

    Once, at around 4am, I opened a .txt doc and soon found myself on a roll manicly typing revelation after revelation about life.

    Around three quarters the way through, I experienced a peculiar sensation of warmth, lightness and great tollerance to pain and adversity.

    Euphoria. I'd never known anything like it.

    For the next day or so, discourse and mental arithmetic became effortless. It was as though I'd (finally) arrived at a higher spiritual plane.

    Predictably, it didn't last.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2007
  9. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    This seems more like a descent to a lower abyss where nothing can get me than an ascent to a higher plane of euphoria. Certainly, there was no euphoria, just a sigh of utter apathy and the loss of caring for everything. I was cured. Did you start to feel again afterwards? The negative sentiments once more? I want to pass on in this state, with a smooth transition, not when I'm being burdened again. It's been like this for a few weeks now. But if it's only temporary, I should take advantage of it before it gets worse. Am I not healed right now?
  10. Quezi

    Quezi Member

    'Did you start to feel again afterwards? The negative sentiments once more?'

    Yes, and I was struck by just how much negativity and resistance there is in every little thing. But there was also relief in returning to 'normal' and regaining my healthy fear of traffic.
  11. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I was far more suicidal in that state. The pain pushed me so far. I don't think I'll survive that again for much long. Here, the thoughts are still with me, but manifest themselves in a much more passive way. If I remain like this, I can live, so to speak, though the line between it and death is indiscernible to me. And I can also die next week or next decade and it won't make a difference. I'm empty. Without meaning. Without anything to be angry or depressed about. It's so perfect.
  12. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    If you will allow me to put my stupid two cents in:

    I think maybe this apathy is really just a defense mechanism against the constant torment you've endured. The human mind wasn't meant to function this way, without emotion. Your mind isn't built for that. Aside from the extremely rare hebephrenic, who's emotions are quite constricted and flat, most people's brains aren't.

    I am forming the believe that lack of emotion impairs intelligence. Certainly too much impairs it as well, but there needs to be a happy medium I think. Emotion gives us motivation, curiosity, interests, and of course the barely-attainable happiness. Happiness gives us the will to pursue and explore the enigmas of the world. It shouldn't be discarded.

    For me, there is no enlightenment in such a death-like state of apathy. Very few people reach this "peak" and an even fewer amount stay atop it. The species was made to grow and evolve, apathy shatters nature. And, in time, nature shatters apathy.

    You are still with emotion, I guarentee that. Fear is a deep-rooted and primitve emotion, which can be triggered by simple things. It is something that is quite difficult, if not impossible, to expunge.

    You still have instincts, desires,...a human mind. These things may be buried, but they are there. You're own humanity will brings these things back, in time. It's inevitable. I think true enlightenment is achieved by knowing you are human, and nothing can change that.

    If you've had these feelings and emotions (including happiness) before, they will make a return. Unless by some medicinal or surgical intervention, you avoid this. These things only create more torture in the end.

    Humanity defines you; look around. Does it not effect you at all?
  13. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    Why not? I don't see the point in pursuing fruitless endeavors if we all end up as victims of the reaper. Have I not found the perfect balance?
    As I've said, it wasn't a peak. It was a trough. I've realized this life has nothing to offer me. That thought used to cause me pain and grief, but no more. I've accepted it.

    We do evolve. But I will inevitably be selected out. The only logical purpose for life is reproduction, the propagation of our genetic information. All other emotions and achievements are only to support that purpose. Love is to help you find someone to fuck. Happiness increases your mood to find someone to fuck.etc. I, for one will likely never reproduce.

    Fear is part of him. The impostor who blends in with everyone else. When he dies, I'll truly be free. I've accepted the one true inevitability and have prepared for it.

    That's such a Disney cartoon derived sense of hope.

    So I should take advantage of this before they come back and tear me to pieces again. I won't survive that. I'd rather go like this...

    I don't want them back. Especially happiness. It's too foreign. Being happy achieves nothing for me. It's so natural for me to just toss it off whenever it bumps into me. I don't want it. If I maintain this long enough, I will make myself immune to feelings of negativity as well. They will likewise become foreign, unrecognizable entities. Seeing other people happy no longer hurts me. Remembering the domestic violence no longer make me cry. Going on a cruise didn't make me happy. Playing tennis did not make me feel joy. I'm no longer phased. I'll remain in a state of limbo to make the transition easier. It's wonderful, don't you think?

    I am fixed. I no longer need help. Thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2007
  14. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    No offense, but you are full of shit. Enlightenment is about desensitizing yourself because you believe in a karmic Nirvana in which nothing exists. Basically, the best thing that can happen to you is to NOT EXIST. The rub is that suicide is soooooooooooo NOT a part of it. Once you have acheived enlightenment, you will die in your due time, WITHOUT violence (self-inflicted, of course). And once you have actually ATTAINED Nirvana, it doesn't matter if you are alive or dead, because you cannot FEEL the difference. Nirvana is a spiritual attainment on a physical plane, and can only proceed in a natural death. Self-harm (suicide) is the exact opposite of what you seem to be trying to attain. To commit suicide would essentially negate anything that you have already acheived through life/spiritual experience. In other words, DON'T DO IT.
  15. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    Sorry. I wasn't using the religious meaning of enlightenment. It was simply my own subjective interpretation of a colloquial definition.

    EDIT: I don't get it. What's so wrong with being like this? I'm fine. I don't need to be happy nor sad again. I've gotten rid of depression. Isn't that an accomplishment?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2007
  16. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Are you saying my take on enlightenment is "full of shit?" not sure who you're talking about.
  17. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    You're not balancing anything, you're going to the extreme by not caring. It won't matter after you're dead of course, but why not pursue these endeavors, there will be no lasting consequence/benefit, except living in the moment. The real question is...why not?

    Why do you think life has nothing to offer you. Are you talking about your life, or just life in general?

    Why do you think you will never reproduce? Aside from the obvious reason of apathy. Or is that the only reason.

    Well, good luck trying to expunge that

    How you thought that was even remotely sappy happy, I'll never understand. Anyway, to clarify, I meant all of these emotions will make a comeback. Not just happiness. The birth of emotion naturally breeds suffering, at least, in this world.

    Depends on how you view emotion, I guess. They'll only tear you to pieces if you let them. Again your current state of "apathy" seems more a defense mechanism than "enlightenment."

    Some people can experience happiness and be unphased by death. Happiness and exceptance of death aren't necessarily separate.


    It's ultimately your decision, I'm just presenting an alternative viewpoint.
  18. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    Re: Yes! I've done it?

    Would you happen to be able to post that .txt?
  19. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member a little out of hand there. :) No, I was just saying that one is not enlightened if one is going to just turn around and off themselves. Enlightenment recognizes the natural flow of life from a more detached point of view, but would never involve any kind of self-harm. You don't just become enlightened and then throw yourself off a bridge..
  20. Quezi

    Quezi Member

    Re: Yes! I've done it?

    In retrospect, they're just idle socio-political connections which cannot be easily disproved. Like much of Chomsky.
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