so heres before everything... theres this guy i really like and hes my everything. but im losing him.. and its my fault. but its also the distance. hes from holland and im from brunei[its in asia]. i knew him since last august and we've been really really close. we could talk about anything and everything.. he treats me like im his princess.. pays full attention to me.. doesnt get angry when i reply him late[im always busy playing my game and turn off all the alerts], he tells me what he's cooking[and would cook for me everyday if i stay with him], he would say that he would hug and cuddle me and stuff.. and i know im stupid to even listen/believe what hes saying especially since i've never even met him and he could just be 'saying' it. he's everything i want in a guy.. he hinted about liking me.. but never once acted on it or tell me directly or whatever.. but ever since his trip to italy, which was early jan, i've been building a wall around me and shutting him out. i dont know why i did that. a thought just popped out.. so when he went online a week after his trip, he sensed something and i know that he knows that im shutting him out. he commented on my mood and tried to get me talking[or typing] but i didnt want to and i couldnt. then he told me he has a gf.. but when i commented on it the next day, he said that she isnt his gf because he doesnt love her.. i was really annoyed and angry at him. i replied his messages late/slow with just one or two words.. so i wanted to make him hate me.. to be so angry and annoyed with me that he would just leave my life.. forget me and forget what he had.. i want him to leave me because he doesnt know that thats what i want because i cant make myself leave him and i dont want to be the one who's leaving.. but after 2 weeks or so.. my walls started crumbling and i started talking to him again. it crumbled because i was thinking "wth? he will leave soon again. why not just stay, talk, chat and have fun while i have the time? if he leaves, then he leaves.." i knew that if he ever left again, i would have to suffer the pain x2 of the fun times we had. i did it anyway. i let him persuade me to talk.. but i still wasnt sure. but, yes, i ended up talking to him again. it made me happy then he went to travel again last month with his "gf" and he told me that he's going on a date with his ex-[they were planning to meet up cuz they ended quite badly]. he also told me that, while walking to the uni or something, a group of girls approached him and said that "hes a very beautiful boy". meh i got so jealous over that but i didnt tell him ofcourse so anyway ever since he left, i built a wall around me again but this time he cant do anythimg about it cuz he's not online as much as he used to be.. and i dont know if he will try to make things better.. i know its my fault.. its what i wanted.. but i regret it now. so my point is: i wrote a really long letter to him, to let him know how much i treasure what we had,etc etc. let him know how much i like him.. but i dont know if i should sent it.. im afraid that i'll lose him foreverr.. and yes i know its my fault.. but please please.. need some advice here and thanks for those who read my long long story.