So I wanted to tell someone about my behavior yesterday and the only place or "people" I know to come to are here. For the past month, I've been doing extremely well. I've been content and at peace even though my life at home is not at all where it should be, where I need it to be, or where it could be... but I learned to stay encouraged despite my situation and surroundings. So, a few weeks ago, I was going through old boxes that I hadn't unpacked since moving (coming up on two years smh) and in one of the boxes I found an old prescription of pain killers that were still full. I hadn't taken even one. Now, I didn't have thoughts that particular day, but I didn't throw them out either. I think subconsciously I kept them because I wanted them around "just in case". Fast forward to yesterday. Actually, Monday night. I had been doing good and it seemed like out of nowhere, I just went numb. My mind went blank, my feelings dissipated, I felt... gone. So I went into the bottle. Took the prescribed amount. (There are so many jokes I want to make, it's borderline sick. For those that didn't read my introduction, I mask my hurt with dark humor and sarcasm. it tends to be distasteful so I promised myself to keep it off the boards.) Anyway, I took them And I got in bed. I felt at ease. And I nodded off to sleep. No biggie right? (Although I noticed that my sleeping was unusually loopy) Then I got up yesterday and it just felt like EVERYONE was trying me. (Slang, meaning coming at me the wrong way; making unnecessary comments or jokes; doing or saying things to me that they know I don't like or appreciate) It became too much. It started a chain reaction. First it irritated me that I was getting it from all sides. Then I started analyzing my situation and remembering that despite my uplifted spirits, my life was still in shambles. From there I started to guilt myself and condemn myself for being in the situation that I'm currently in. I started to think lowly of myself and blaming myself. I started having feelings of worthlessness and that I was a failure; that I let everyone down by turning out the way I am at this time. I started getting those feelings of "why am I even trying", "you've made no progress". And the next thing I know, it just consumed me. To the bottle I went. ALL day. It seemed like clockwork. And I have never been one to self medicate that way. I was a drinker (another story in itself) and a smoker. But I gave that up. (4 months sober!!!!!!!!) My body had begun to detox, I felt good on the inside and out. But waking up this morning... I'm almost disappointed in myself. Like I traded one vice (drinking) for another, even if it just was one day. I didn't want to die yesterday, I just didn't want to be apart of the world. Does that make sense? I feel better this morning (but it's just getting started). I just wanted to confess to someone what I'd been up to yesterday.