Yesterday was awful

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by smith2060, May 15, 2011.

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  1. smith2060

    smith2060 Member

    Please help

    (warning, bit of a long one)

    I've been going through horrible cycles of being fine to almost happy and then crashing very quickly. Last night was horrible. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I wasn't really depressed in the way I'm familiar with, just very jumpy and terrified of everything. I spent the early evening with a head over my pillow cos I felt it was too bright and I didn't move til 1pm and between sunset and then I was was afraid of how dark it was. I also didn't want to go to sleep cos I knew if I went to sleep I'd have to get up and go to work and face the world, and that seemed even scarier. But then at the same time I really needed to sleep cos I couldn't think of any way to stop my thought racing and the crying and random texting. I texted all my friends who are hundreds of miles away the strangest things. I calmed down around 1 and fell alseep probably somewhere before 2.

    Woke up this morning at 5 and still felt shaky. Didn't go to work today. I nearly made it. Managed to convince myself to get dressed at the lsat minute, but then I looked at my reflection as I left my bedroom, stood at the top of the stairs looking at my front door, then grabbed my phone and called in sick. Then back to PJ's and been in bed since 9 30.

    Yesterday day was good. I did some work in the morning, washed up my dishes, ran errands got a frappacino, ate well throughout the day. when my friend texted me in Starbucks I told her I was good and it felt like the psychotic episode was over and I was in a calm period, at least for now. and then less than 3hours later I was a mess. Another thing I knew it was coming. But I didn't know how to stop it or what to do. I texted someone I know. He's bipolar and I was very close to him before he was diagnosed and treated. He's been on medication for about a year now and doing very well in life. He's also been hospitalized and seen physchiatrist for years. So I was hoping he'd help me. But last night I was told to stay away. By people I don't know; his friends. Cos they're afraid for him I guess. My friends I love. But they're so far away and have never dealt with this. Or least not told me about or give the impression that they have.

    I have a doctor's appointment next week. I'm so scared togo. Last time I went to the doctor's he weighed me and then recoiled and gasped and I believe a "WOah" was heard too. And then talked some more about how I'm over weight and my BMI should be 23 not 24 and that I'm so overweight and need to diet and how exercising won't help my weight problem and then said into his dictorphone "Patient gained an IMPRESSIVE amount of weight" I'm not putting in capitals to draw attention to the word, but that's actually how he said it.

    So I don't want to go because I know he'll weigh me and judge me again. And I don't want to go and ask for medication. I'm so scared he'll hospitalize me. I moved to a new town less than a year ago and I live alone and go to a job 5days a week and then study every day in the evenings (or supposed to) to finish my qualification.

    I'm also scared of the impact the "label" will have on my job. I'm supposed to be a professional and all our actions are taken seriously and stuff like if you get arrested you should never accept a caution cos once you do you won't be able to work again etc..

    Everything in my life just feels wrong and mismatched now and I don't know what to do.

    And to anyone who has been hospitalized, what's it like?

    Thanks
     
  2. DawnB

    DawnB Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry things have been so terrible for you. I can also imagine how hurt you were when the doctors checked your weight, or how afraid you are about how everything is affecting your job. Ask him not to tell you your weight? I always ask that.

    In my experience, there are only two bad things about hospitalization for me - I was mostly bored, and then the hospital bill--the latter is the only thing keeping from being hospitalized. I was at a psyche ward, and they give you food to eat (with special diets--i.e diabetes), TV, they may let you sleep a lot. Usually there is a group session. You can even wear your own clothes there, but you can't keep much of your personal possessions (electronics). I actually felt more at home there than outside. That's just me, and that's just a psyche ward (I don't know what they do in actual mental hospitals). They usually keep you there no more than a week.

    Hope that helps.
     
  3. Britknows

    Britknows Member

    Smith2060,
    I am deeply sorry for your pain. I am new here so if my advice is not what helps I apologize. I am not familiar personally with the cycling you were describing with moods. I have found with weight, that can be one of the factors in my life I can be in control of. For myself sometimes focusing significantly on something I can have control over helps keep my focus off other pain and other life instances I have no control over. Like a strict diet/exercise plan almost obsessing. And when your goal/successes become apparent and realized you feel more in control.
    I am not sure of your complete story, so I hope this advice is good advice and not as screwed up as I am:)
     
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